Here's a tough set of questions that Z. raises. Her circumstance touches on some of the most common, but often unexpressed issues that surround sleep training children. 

Oh how I feel for all of you. I've been there. SO MANY OF US have been there. There's a few really important issues that are at play here. Let's see if we can pull them apart so we can see this situation as clearly as possible.

1. Your son is going through one of the major developmental transition periods, (the 2.5 – 3 year old stage). We've talked about all the HUGE cognitive and emotional changes that your child is soldiering through and indeed, jealousy is one of the big emotions that come on line at this age. So are all sorts of new fears and anxieties. Yes, the smoke alarm might have "set him off" (hahahaha… ok, SO not funny, just couldn't resist. Shoot me now). One of the most interesting things about transition periods, ESPECIALLY the later ones (after 18 months or so), is that kids will often seem to be going along with no problems and suddenly, out of almost nowhere, their vulnerabilities explode all over the place. And it can take something as small as this smoke alarm incident to splay his insecurities for all to see. But one thing I'm pretty sure about: if it wasn't the smoke alarm, it would have been the baby crying one night, or a thunder storm, or watching a commercial on t.v. that he found suddenly scary. SOMETHING usually sets kids off at this vulnerable stage and sleep often goes to hell as a result because kids now have the capacity to think about these insecurities in brand new ways. So, first and foremost, this is a really, really tough age to change sleep habits, as you know. That doesn't mean they CAN'T be changed, especially if you're at your wit's end… but still, it's a tough one.

2.  So few of us talk about it, but our "romantic"/intimate relationships are the first and maybe the worst collateral damage associated with children's sleep problems. We often talk about postpartum depression, moms' capacities to care well for their kids, etc. But the stress that sleep deprivation and the hopelessness and frustration that comes along with having a child that can't seem to fall asleep on his own is HUGE. Partners often start fighting about sleep-training techniques, parenting philosophies, the pragmatics of who needs more sleep, who is getting the short end of the deal, who is being neglected, and so on. And it's so frustrating when the only thing both of your really want is some more time together, as adults, alone… Your marriage IS important and it is indeed a very legitimate reason to want to teach your child to fall asleep on his own. It's great that BOTH Z's husband and she are on the same page in terms of trying to prioritize personal time between the two of them. It's much harder when one partner wants time alone with their spouse and the other isn't making that a priority.

3. Like Z., so many of us get into horrible battles with our spouses in the heat of sleep training or, rather, trying to cope with our children's sleep patterns. One of the most important pointers for sleep training in general that we give in our book is the following (excerpt from Bedtiming): "

"Whatever sleep-training method you choose, develop a concrete plan during the daytime hours, when you feel maximally rested. Do not come up with a strategy in the throes of the 5th waking of the night at 4 am. The sleep deprivation and inevitable frustration will likely make this middle-of-the-night plan less feasible and more irrational, and its implementation more haphazard. We suspect that many a marriage has been sorely tested in the wee hours of the night by the eruption of sleep-training debates." 

Most of us can't think of a strategy in the middle of the stress of hearing our child wail and weep for us. Add to that the COMPLETELY NORMAL resentment that builds from never having a moment of "us" time, and the situation can get pretty dire. I would suggest that Z and her husband need to step back and come up with a plan during the day, when they're both well-rested (HA!) or at least feel somewhat clear and coherent. If they can get a babysitter for a couple of hours so they can have this discussion over lunch or coffee at a cafe, even better. Come up with a strategy that both can agree about and make a promise that neither partner will reneg on this plan for some set number of days (whatever feels right or realistic for both of you). Then they can review the progress and rethink the plan if they have to (if the first plan doesn't work).

So… what CAN you do? Here's a few of my suggestions, but as you know, I'm not terribly optimistic about the success of ANY strategy at this stage/age. But here are a few thoughts:

• I'm sure you've already done this, but talk to your son about the smoke alarm: why it went off, when it goes off, why it's a sign of everything working right, etc. You can try setting it off in the day with a match or something, so that he sees  how easy it is to do and how banal the trigger can be. Some people may want to avoid this talk, in hopes of the child forgetting the initial fear, but there's a good chance that he won't get past it without some help from you.
• Because your child is in a vulnerable stage, whatever sleep-training method you choose, I'd suggest picking one that at least allows you to check up on your child periodically. So, for example, many parents have had success with telling their toddler that they will be back in 5-10 min, after they've completed some household task. The child may cry, but he can be reassured that you WILL come back. Then you do. Lather, rinse, repeat as long as it takes for him to be asleep. This will give him the assurance that you are indeed around, you are checking on him like you check on his little brother, but that you will not sleep with him throughout the night. At 2 1/2 years old, so much of what's going on in the child's mind is about testing his social power, social influence, his place in the family hierarchy. It's his developmental job to push as hard on your boundaries as possible and it's up to us parents to set those limits so that our kids understand that they are firm, but with lots and lots of love and support to back it up.
• CONSISTENCY is key here. This is true at all ages and with whatever method you choose, but ESPECIALLY when a child is particularly anxious and vulnerable, like most kids your son's age. When you come up with a plan with your husband, make sure it's one that you BOTH feel you can stick with. If you don't feel like you can let your son cry for 10 min, make a plan to be with him every 5 min. If you can't handle any full-out crying right now, then don't try any sleep training method for the time being.  Waffling between sleeping with your son and putting your foot down will ultimately HEIGHTEN his anxieties and perpetuate his sleep problems. The best thing you can do for your son now is to make his world as PREDICTABLE as possible.

Obviously, I simply can't get myself to give you a step-by-step technique. I find it way too presumptuous of me to thrust my parenting style onto
you (and my preferred sleep-training methods that work for my kids onto your kids).

OK, I've written a second book with this post.  I DO go on and on sometimes, don't I? So, help Z out with this one… Any other parents going through similar situations? Any other concrete sleep training suggestions? Support?  Anyone's marriage tripped and recovered over similar circumstances?

I've written a bit about what's going on in the three and a half year old's mind during this critical transition period. I'm not sure if I find this stage so fascinating because it just is so inherently damn cool or if it's because I'm watching my own kids creep up to this phase. They're about 3 months shy of 3.5, but they're certainly showing some typical behaviours: increasingly sensitive, more needy, more demanding, more meltdowns over the most RIDICULOUS things ("I don't WANT my sand to fall out of the truck!" ,"J doesn't know how to COOOOOOOOOUNT! He's doing it WRRRRRRRRRROOOOONG!", "I don't EVER, EVER, EVER want to be gooooood. Good is BAD!", "R hit me in my dreams and he won't say sorry."). I'm sure I would have lost my mind by now with these meltdowns if they didn't seem so damn INTERESTING in terms of what it says about their developing minds. And they kind of crack me up too.

OK, onto more important matters. Here's an email from a woman with twin 3.5 year olds. Her kids are in the throes of this transition period and, did I mention, she has TWO of them going through it at the same time? 

So, the answer to that last question is a resounding YES!  This is VERY common for kids around 3 to 4 years old. R.'s question is almost identical to several that I've received (except for the twin part). Moxie just had a great thread
of comments that pulled out a lot of stories of sleep disruptions
during this period, so go check that out too, if you haven't already. Kids this age often have a hard time getting to
sleep (when beforehand many of them dropped off in 5-10 min, now it's
taking hours sometimes) and/or they find it difficult to put themselves
BACK to sleep. I've already mentioned that the biggest change that happens during this stage is the onset of "theory of mind."

Children at this age—and especially those who are more sensitive temperamentally—suddenly feel vulnerable in contexts that were fine before, and they feel especially vulnerable when they imagine that their thoughts or feelings might be viewed as “bad” or inappropriate. They also begin to show other insecurities at this age, including anxieties about others being angry at them and less explicit fears and concerns. Shame and anxiety are such powerful emotions, and they are often emotions that we don't understand well (even as adults). The capacity to feel these emotions on a deeper level can be very unnerving. Sleep problems after the age of 3 is less likely to involve crying spells or other extreme emotional displays. But it may evoke more subtle emotional reactions that are just as disturbing. What is your child feeling while lying in bed, waiting for sleep to come? Is she wondering about how you or others perceived something she did that day? Does she wonder if being left alone reflects your disapproval, your wish to be rid of her? She now has the capacity to imagine that you are thinking just about anything, and a young child’s imagination can go to extremes that you and I would find remarkable and sometimes frightening. Children have plenty of time to ruminate about what their parents might be thinking about them while they are lying in bed alone. Keep in mind, there doesn't need to be any ACTUAL rejection or disapproval from the parent for a child to nevertheless start wondering about what WOULD make mom reject her, what WOULD make dad mad, etc. (IOW, I'm not suggesting that you or any mother out there is intentionally rejecting their child, only that the child now has the ability to IMAGINE that it could happen).

I haven't ignored what R. told us: when her little girl wakes up, "She's not upset.  She's not
crying." That's very common. And I'm not going to profess to really know what's inside your child's mind, you know her best. But it might be that she's actually very happy to see YOU. When you come into the room, she may feel a rush of warmth and security that she wasn't feeling while lying alone thinking the new thoughts she can now think. So, even if she's not traumatized when she wakes up and she's not crying or screaming for you, she may still be feeling the small insecurities that are the hallmark of this stage transition and those feelings may be exactly what's making it difficult for her to fall back asleep. The fact that it's not happening every night may be actually an indication of how generally secure she does feel.

In terms of what you can do about it, my take is that there's not much you can do about the waking, but you CAN do something about how she feels while she's awake. If she asks why she can’t sleep with you, or why you can't play with her now, it would be important
to reassure her that it has nothing to do with her qualities. It’s not
about her being a bad sleeper, or not as quiet as her sister, or babyish, or selfish. (Of course, don’t
raise these issues by name if she doesn’t!) Rather, let her know that
everyone wakes up once in a while and that everyone has many thoughts sometimes in their heads that keep them awake. You can try talking to her about her day and how it all went at bedtime, just before a calming story or song or whatever your routine is. Processing with her some of the experiences she's having that she may not fully understand might help with preventing her from doing it herself in the middle of the night. This kind of reassurance can go a long way during this
period of emotional uncertainty. But the bottom line (and the recurring chorus on this blog) is this stage will pass. If she was a fairly good sleeper before, it is likely she will go back to sleeping just fine through the night in a month or so. 

The last thing I wanted to mention was the CRUCIAL point that R. makes that her other IDENTICAL TWIN daughter (i.e., genetically the same) is having none of these problems at the exact same age and in the exact same context. I LOVE how this example brings home the point that it really can be quite different from one child to the next. Although almost all children go through these developmental stages at approximately the same age, the style with which they COPE with these changes can be vastly different. The beauty of having twins in this kind of case is that you can let yourself off the hook — neither your genes nor your parenting style seemed to have caused these sleep disruptions. And there may be nothing you can do to "solve" the problem either… except providing as much emotional support as you can muster at 4 in the morning.

Anyone else been through this and come out the other side? I'm just as keen to hear war stories of this stage as anyone out there, given I'm just about to watch and wonder while my kids muddle through it soon.