Here's a tough set of questions that Z. raises. Her circumstance touches on some of the most common, but often unexpressed issues that surround sleep training children.
NEED a solution because the current state of affairs is bringing out
the worst in us. We have 2 boys 33 months and 13 months. They are both having
their own issues. The 13 month old is teething and learning to walk and so he is
waking up every 3-4 hours but falls back easily enough with some
patting on the back. The 33 month old has never been a good sleeper.
[...The boys sleep in the same room]… Because my eldest has always needed one of us
to fall asleep with him we used to sit with him, lie down with him,
fall asleep with him and eventually after about an average of an hour
he would fall asleep.
Then all of a sudden a month ago we turned a corner. It seemed that we
could just tuck the kids in and they would fall asleep on their own.
We discovered it purely by accident since my husband and I were in and
out of the room and the toddler had put himself to bed. Then he did it
again and soon that is how they were sleeping. It was pure bliss
because not only was he putting himself to sleep but he was falling
asleep quicker (15-20 minutes). And that was a light bulb moment
because it seemed that our not being in the room was allowing him to
sleep faster.
But the happiness didn't last for long a couple of weeks ago while the
kids were sleeping our smoke detectors went off (smoky oven) not once
but 3 times. It terrified them but they settled down and fell asleep.
Since then each night the toddler has a had a tough time going to
sleep. At first he needed us to snuggle for a few minutes which was
fine but the last week or so it seems that we are back to the starting
point (if not worse) because he needs us to not only lie down with him
to fall asleep but stay there the whole night.
The thing is having tasted that freedom and realized how much of our
lives we got back this setback is very hard for us. First off we were
on the edge of resentment with having to put him to sleep anyway and
now that we know that he is capable of putting himself to sleep having
to take these steps back is really hard especially since we realized
how much we need that time after the kids go to bed. Prior to the last
month or so for the past 2.5 years my husband and i have had precious
little time with each other in the evenings (our lives). And what the
freedom has shown is how much we need it for ourselves and our
relationship.
So now once we tuck him in and the crying hysteria (and I mean
hysteria up to 2 hours of top of lungs screaming and crying) starts we
start to break down ourselves. We can't seem to decide on a strategy
to deal with the new situation since neither one of us is keen on
returning to the old one (though it's seeming like we have to). We are
fighting with one another, we are reacting and getting angry with our
son which makes the situation worse and I just don't know what to do.
Tonight all 3 of us have been crying, my son because he needs/wants
us, my husband and I because we feel like we have already given more
than we have.
Fortunately the younger one sleeps through a good chunk of the crying
for the most part, even though, they share a room and so right now
that is not of immediate concern but what does get to me is that when
he wakes up and cry my husband and I do go to comfort him and so I
know we're sending mixed messages and adding to the jealousy of our
older son. The question then is what do we do? Should we suck it up
and let the crying continue though it simultaneously frustrates us and
breaks our heart? Should we go back to lying down with him? Should we
maybe just sit in the same room and work on the computer or read a
book? And if we are to return to his room to ease him through this do
we do it for a month? 2 months? Until he turns 3 in 3 months? I just
need someone to tell us what to do and for how long because quite
honestly we are beyond exhausted with this whole sleep issue.
Oh how I feel for all of you. I've been there. SO MANY OF US have been there. There's a few really important issues that are at play here. Let's see if we can pull them apart so we can see this situation as clearly as possible.
1. Your son is going through one of the major developmental transition periods, (the 2.5 – 3 year old stage). We've talked about all the HUGE cognitive and emotional changes that your child is soldiering through and indeed, jealousy is one of the big emotions that come on line at this age. So are all sorts of new fears and anxieties. Yes, the smoke alarm might have "set him off" (hahahaha… ok, SO not funny, just couldn't resist. Shoot me now). One of the most interesting things about transition periods, ESPECIALLY the later ones (after 18 months or so), is that kids will often seem to be going along with no problems and suddenly, out of almost nowhere, their vulnerabilities explode all over the place. And it can take something as small as this smoke alarm incident to splay his insecurities for all to see. But one thing I'm pretty sure about: if it wasn't the smoke alarm, it would have been the baby crying one night, or a thunder storm, or watching a commercial on t.v. that he found suddenly scary. SOMETHING usually sets kids off at this vulnerable stage and sleep often goes to hell as a result because kids now have the capacity to think about these insecurities in brand new ways. So, first and foremost, this is a really, really tough age to change sleep habits, as you know. That doesn't mean they CAN'T be changed, especially if you're at your wit's end… but still, it's a tough one.
2. So few of us talk about it, but our "romantic"/intimate relationships are the first and maybe the worst collateral damage associated with children's sleep problems. We often talk about postpartum depression, moms' capacities to care well for their kids, etc. But the stress that sleep deprivation and the hopelessness and frustration that comes along with having a child that can't seem to fall asleep on his own is HUGE. Partners often start fighting about sleep-training techniques, parenting philosophies, the pragmatics of who needs more sleep, who is getting the short end of the deal, who is being neglected, and so on. And it's so frustrating when the only thing both of your really want is some more time together, as adults, alone… Your marriage IS important and it is indeed a very legitimate reason to want to teach your child to fall asleep on his own. It's great that BOTH Z's husband and she are on the same page in terms of trying to prioritize personal time between the two of them. It's much harder when one partner wants time alone with their spouse and the other isn't making that a priority.
3. Like Z., so many of us get into horrible battles with our spouses in the heat of sleep training or, rather, trying to cope with our children's sleep patterns. One of the most important pointers for sleep training in general that we give in our book is the following (excerpt from Bedtiming): "
"Whatever sleep-training method you choose, develop a concrete plan during the daytime hours, when you feel maximally rested. Do not come up with a strategy in the throes of the 5th waking of the night at 4 am. The sleep deprivation and inevitable frustration will likely make this middle-of-the-night plan less feasible and more irrational, and its implementation more haphazard. We suspect that many a marriage has been sorely tested in the wee hours of the night by the eruption of sleep-training debates."
Most of us can't think of a strategy in the middle of the stress of hearing our child wail and weep for us. Add to that the COMPLETELY NORMAL resentment that builds from never having a moment of "us" time, and the situation can get pretty dire. I would suggest that Z and her husband need to step back and come up with a plan during the day, when they're both well-rested (HA!) or at least feel somewhat clear and coherent. If they can get a babysitter for a couple of hours so they can have this discussion over lunch or coffee at a cafe, even better. Come up with a strategy that both can agree about and make a promise that neither partner will reneg on this plan for some set number of days (whatever feels right or realistic for both of you). Then they can review the progress and rethink the plan if they have to (if the first plan doesn't work).
So… what CAN you do? Here's a few of my suggestions, but as you know, I'm not terribly optimistic about the success of ANY strategy at this stage/age. But here are a few thoughts:
- I'm sure you've already done this, but talk to your son about the smoke alarm: why it went off, when it goes off, why it's a sign of everything working right, etc. You can try setting it off in the day with a match or something, so that he sees how easy it is to do and how banal the trigger can be. Some people may want to avoid this talk, in hopes of the child forgetting the initial fear, but there's a good chance that he won't get past it without some help from you.
- Because your child is in a vulnerable stage, whatever sleep-training method you choose, I'd suggest picking one that at least allows you to check up on your child periodically. So, for example, many parents have had success with telling their toddler that they will be back in 5-10 min, after they've completed some household task. The child may cry, but he can be reassured that you WILL come back. Then you do. Lather, rinse, repeat as long as it takes for him to be asleep. This will give him the assurance that you are indeed around, you are checking on him like you check on his little brother, but that you will not sleep with him throughout the night. At 2 1/2 years old, so much of what's going on in the child's mind is about testing his social power, social influence, his place in the family hierarchy. It's his developmental job to push as hard on your boundaries as possible and it's up to us parents to set those limits so that our kids understand that they are firm, but with lots and lots of love and support to back it up.
- CONSISTENCY is key here. This is true at all ages and with whatever method you choose, but ESPECIALLY when a child is particularly anxious and vulnerable, like most kids your son's age. When you come up with a plan with your husband, make sure it's one that you BOTH feel you can stick with. If you don't feel like you can let your son cry for 10 min, make a plan to be with him every 5 min. If you can't handle any full-out crying right now, then don't try any sleep training method for the time being. Waffling between sleeping with your son and putting your foot down will ultimately HEIGHTEN his anxieties and perpetuate his sleep problems. The best thing you can do for your son now is to make his world as PREDICTABLE as possible.
Obviously, I simply can't get myself to give you a step-by-step technique. I find it way too presumptuous of me to thrust my parenting style onto
you (and my preferred sleep-training methods that work for my kids onto your kids).
OK, I've written a second book with this post. I DO go on and on sometimes, don't I? So, help Z out with this one… Any other parents going through similar situations? Any other concrete sleep training suggestions? Support? Anyone's marriage tripped and recovered over similar circumstances?
I have a 2.5 year old that I’m trying to do this with for naps. She fell asleep on her own for a year, but about 8 months ago I started rocking her to sleep for her naps because she would play in her crib for so long it was driving me crazy! I loved that I could take an extra ten minutes and guarantee that she would go to sleep quickly. I still love it, but I also have a 5 month old and it’s really hard to always take that extra ten minutes when I know the baby is crying in the other room. (it seems like it’s always one of them if it’s not the other!) For some reason I have a really hard time listening to my 2.5 year old cry, harder than listening to my 5 month old… I guess because I know she she knows what’s going on and I feel like she has a more concrete feeling that I’m abandoning her. So, I started the whole “gradually move yourself farther away from the crib” method. Instead of rocking to sleep, I now rock and then put her in the bed and I sit next to it until she falls asleep. Today I’m going to move to sitting in the rocking chair (she can’t see me very well) until she falls asleep for a few days. Then I’ll move out of the room. I expect she’ll cry a little bit, but I also plan to bribe her with M&M’s and ask her to please not cry. =) I have no idea how this will work, but she has no problem going to bed by herself at night, and like yours, I know she CAN do it. So we’ll see. But maybe you can try a gradual method like this instead of full CIO? Maybe this will blow up in my face and I’ll end-up rocking her for another year, but I’m going to give it a shot. If I were you I’d definitely persist in some kind of method, the evening alone time is SOOO worth it. But if the crying is just so hard, maybe tweak your method.
Hoo boy. My marriage took a huge hit over my eldest’s sleeping woes. Our biggest blowup, around 9 months, resulted in our not sleeping in the same bed any more, and me co-sleeping with our son. 2.5 years later, we still aren’t sleeping in the same bed and I am now co-sleeping with our 9-month daughter. Once she is 11 months and her sleep calms down, she goes to a crib and we are going to tentatively sleep in the same bed again like a normal married couple.
I expect one or the other of us will end up in bed with our 3 year old when he hits that developmental spurt in a few months. Does it ever end?
Z, my son was terrified of the fire alarm too. We finally got ourselves out of endless bedtimes by covering him in blankets and stuffed animals with the reassurance that the fire alarm wouldn’t get him. I don’t know if that or simply time made things better, but he did go to sleep on his own in a timely fashion again.
@Emily: Thanks for mentioning hat more “gradual” approach. It’s one that’s worked miracles for particularly sensitive children who are vulnerable to separations. Good luck with your plan!
@carmie: My understanding is that no, it never ends. It just changes. Your situation sounds so stressful. It’s tough to know how to juggle the needs of so many people… You sound like you have a light at the end of the tunnel though. Hope it works out with you and your husband. (And the 3.5 year old transition doesn’t HAVE to involve co-sleeping. For some kids, it’s the LAST thing they want. One of mine will have NOTHING to do with co-sleeping. My other is a huge cuddle-bug and has been inching his way into our bed for the last week.)