While we're on the topic of guilt… I'd like to ask you all: How do you feel about starting to sleep train, if you haven't yet? If you have sleep-trained, were you confident about that choice before you made it? Were you anxious, confused, did you feel guilty about it? Or were you simply at your wit's end when you came to the decision to sleep train your child?
From my experience, many parents feel awful about finally coming to the decision that they MUST sleep train their kid because they can no longer function as one of the walking dead. But putting your own sleeping needs (desperate as they may be) before your baby’s sense of emotional security seems like the epitome of poor parenting. Mothers in particular are often given the message by the media, friends and family (including fellow mothers, unfortunately) that their first and only priority should be their child’s happiness. Parents’ own health and well-being should be considered secondary, if at all.
We started off our book trying to dispel this dangerous myth right away. From our perspective, parents who are considering sleep-training their babies for reasons beyond just the well-being of their child (gasp!) are not only perfectly normal, but are doing the right thing. A seriously sleep-deprived family can become an unhappy, unhealthy one. And this unhealthy state of affairs has massive implications for parenting and the child’s long-term well-being. Here are some of the facts we compiled about the necessity of sleep.
- A new baby typically deprives parents of 400-750 hours of sleep in the first year
- Being awake for 17 hours straight leads to the same kind of impairment as a blood alcohol level of .05% (in other words, you could be arrested for driving at that level of impairment)
- Fatigue is involved in approximately 1 in 6 fatal road accidents
- Sleep deprivation affects both long- and short-term memory
- High-level problem-solving skills are most impaired by lack of sleep (this would include figuring out the best way to make your child sleep better, making the right choices for childcare, figuring out how to mix the formula, avoid allergens, give the right dose of reflux medication, and so on)
- Prolonged sleep-deprivation has been repeatedly linked to depression (and many studies have shown that untreated maternal depression can have serious long-term effects on child adjustment)
- Some studies have shown that women need an hour more sleep than men per night; not getting this extra sleep may be one reason why women are far more susceptible to depression than men
- The 1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill off Alaska, the Challenger Space Shuttle disaster and the Chernobyl nuclear accident have all been attributed to human errors due to sleep deprivation
So, from my perspective, your sleep is as important as your baby’s. Again, that's because sleep affects the kind of parent you are which, in turn, has an impact on your child's development. You just can’t be the parent you want to be if you’re exhausted, crabby, irritable, and irrational. And when parents don’t get enough sleep at night, the household starts to fall apart. Quite literally, your parenting, your work, and oftentimes the quality of your marriage will start to unravel if you don’t get enough sleep to feel and function normally.
My husband is constantly amazed about how torn and guilty parents
feel about considering sleep training their children. He doesn't
understand it because to him it's obvious: Parents need adequate sleep
to function well as parents. Babies need us to help them figure out what's safe, predictable and good for them. I, on the other hand, understand the mixed
feelings too well.
So, why do we feel so guilty when we consider sleep training our children? Is it a mom thing? Are we simply defenseless to the cries of our babies? Is it evolutionarily futile to try to crawl out of the swamp of hormones to recognize our own needs? Who is that voice in our heads saying "you are so selfish?" Is it more of a problem with societal expectations of super mom? And if you've never felt guilty about sleep training, how have you approached this challenge with confidence?
With my son I didn’t feel as much guilt because I truly could not soothe him when he woke screaming. He would try to lunge out of my arms but then would also scream when put down. I tried everything (including reflux solutions – nope). He was so so overtired that he was inconsolable. So doing a modified cry-it-out was the only option and it was fine. It was also done at a residential sleep and settle program run by nurses (I’m in Australia) so I had a lot of support.
Now I’m in the middle of this with my 8 month old daughter and it’s harder because I CAN soothe her. She wants to feed all night long and play all day and she’s just getting to that stage you wrote about below. She’s fine. I’m exausted. It’s just hard to withhold the ‘answer’ that she knows I have. When I first tried to settle her without feeding she screamed in betrayal and tried to move my hand to her mouth over and over to tell me what she wanted. Major guilt for not giving that to her. It was something I never dealt with when my son was younger.
We sleep-trained our son at 18 months after six to nine months of increasing misery. I felt terribly guilty on the big day, but we just couldn’t survive like that any longer. Eight months later, I haven’t felt much guilt for some time because 1) the training went very smoothly, just a couple hours of crying over a couple days total; 2) since then he’s been sleeping through the night with almost no glitches, which indicates to me that the new setup is good for him too; 3) he is happy and well-adjusted during the day; and 4) I am pregnant and have even less ability to forgo sleep than I once did. Not to mention that in a few short weeks I will be giving up my sleep for a new baby.
It’s hard sometimes when he’s upset at bedtime, but he rarely cries for more than a few minutes, and I think he just has a tough time with transitions; every Monday, leaving him off at daycare upsets him even though we’ve been doing it since October.
@J: Gah! You’re bringing it all back to me now with your descriptions of your second. Interestingly, one of my twin boys was like your first (arched his back, never wanted to be rocked or cooed to sleep, HATED sleeping in my big bed with me) and you’re right, I also didn’t feel bad about sleep-training him because he was clearly telling me that that rocking to sleep and constant nursing wasn’t what he wanted. My other boy… oy. It was so wonderful to feel his need for me and how I could satisfy it, but the sleep stuff was heartbreaking.
@L: Good point. I also didn’t feel any guilt when the sleep training was OVER and they were sleeping through the night, napping well, clearly happier and better rested. It was all the lead-up that killed me…
We sleeptrained my first child at 3 months because I was already falling apart. I felt guilty for doing it so early, but I was hitting a state where I was angry at him all the time. We didn’t really need to sleeptrain at night for child #2, but his naps are impossible, and at 4 months, me at work, and the day care telling me that he’s screaming all day and not sleeping… We are in the middle of sleeptraining for naps, and at 4 months, you can imagine that it’s not going well at all.
We started sleeptraining because I literally could not function anymore. It really just started with me throwing my hands up and saying “Okay, I give. You’re going to scream regardless, so have at it. I’m going to bed.” Miraculously she stopped seven minutes later and ever since that’s how long she cries every night before falling asleep (and weekend naps). I don’t know what it is about the magical seven minutes, but you could set a clock by her!
Do I ever feel guilty about sleep training! I haven’t actually done any sleep training in the real sense, that would involve a plan. Or crying. Or both. I feel guilty just thinking about it. My older one was very easygoing with sleeping anywhere at any time during any circumstances and noise level (with a few nights for teething exempted during 8 months) as long as he was touching me, and I felt no real need to try to convince him to sleep by him self. My younger son, though, has the same need for closeness, but is also soo easily disturbed. Every sound and slightest movement wakes him up. And he is very cranky when he is woken up… But I do deal with a lack of sleep fairly well and I know it is temporary (he is only 6 months). And who says that I won’t wake up and poke him every 20 minutes just to see that he is still breathing anyway?
But, yeah, I feel the guilt.
@fahmi: People have done the hating thing with me about this advice, but actually, on purely DEVELOPMENTAL grounds, 2.5 – 4 months is a good window to sleep train. There may be lots of reasons some people don’t, but on the basis of what’s going on emotionally and cognitively for an infant at that age, it’s a relatively robust, resilient age… if that makes any difference to how you feel about that period in your older’s life. I’ve heard a lot of really great stories about how it changed the way a family viewed their young baby, and how well that young baby thrived after sleep training, at just around the age you’re talking about. So, in short, I wouldn’t sweat it. I know… easily said. Also… I SO feel for you in terms of dealing with the necessity to sleep train at 4 months. Sometimes, there’s just no choice. But it’s hard. REALLY hard. And I’m not sure what your daycare is used to, but MOST 4 month olds have a hard time napping for any real duration. I hope this transition period is just that, a transition, and it’s over with quickly for you and your baby.
@Misc Jenn: What an awesome story. Mine was more like: Ok, you’re going to scream in my arms or out… So, I’m going down the street for a drink and letting your father tell me what happens. Apparently, my boys stopped crying in a reasonable amount of time too, but for me, it FELT like 10 years, even if it was just 10 min. I still have post-traumatic stress symptoms every time I walk into the Thai restaurant down our street where I used to retreat to.
@Mia: You cracked me up with “that would involve a plan. Or crying.” and especially “…poke him every 20 min just to see that he is still breathing…” The first week after my boys started sleeping through the night, I was in their room every hour almost every night. And yes, I poked them. Literally. I have BRILLIANT child clinical skills, I tell ‘ya.
I am a minority. I didn’t sleeptrain my son at all and find it amusing and weird when others try to guilt-trip me for that, which is obviously the flip side of the question you’re asking here. No, I don’t feel guilty for NOT sleep-training my child although some people think I should feel that way. See, there are a lot of people who believe that tending to an infant will “spoil him,” create “bad habits,” and that cosleeping is somehow morally wrong and bordering on sinful.
Not every mom out there wants to sleep-train.
I think this is a very interesting issue. My husband and I chose not to sleep train, and one of the big reasons for our decision is that we wondered if the crying-it-out sleep training that both our parents used on us led to the problems we’ve both had with sleeping. (My husband, in particular, has really disordered sleep and is practically incapable of going to bed before 1 or 2 a.m., which interestingly enough matches the sleep schedule his mother had him on when he was infant because of the hours his father worked.)
But beyond that we also wondered how it might affect us as parents. Both my mother-in-law and my mother at different times have told me they still feel regretful about sleep training–in my mother’s case, this has lead to a few tearful episodes when my daughter was still an infant.
All that said, having gone through some very hellish sleeping issues with my daughter (who is now a two-year-old with nearly perfect sleeping, knock on wood!) I’m not doctrinaire about our choice. I can easily see the benefits of a different path.
But on the point of guilt, I do wonder if there are some parents whose emotional temperament is just unsuited to do the cry-it-out sleep training. (I’m thinking of people like my mom and myself.) Don’t get me wrong, sleep deprivation is the toughest thing I’ve ever gone through. But I’d still choose it over wounding regret that lasts for years.
Thank you Keri. I only have an 8 month old right now but my husband and I have already made the decision not to sleep train. I too will choose sleep deprivation over the guilt and regret that I anticipate will come from knowing my child is crying without me responding. I don’t feel like my child’s temperment nor mine is suited to handle the emotional detachment (even if temporary) necessary to sleep train.
My son had horrible colic in the early months and either my husband or I held him for every single moment for hours while he screamed. It took everything I had and when it was over I was so happy and relieved with the way I chose to parent. I know I will feel that way again when my son finally sleeps through the night.
K, what is funny to me is that when my daughter began sleeping through night regularly it was only several days later that it really registered with me. I can remember sitting down to breakfast and thinking, “Man, I feel awesome and rested. Why is that?” I was fixated on her sleep for so long, I would have expected to celebrate her first night of sound sleeping with a parade or something. But somehow the milestone slipped by unnoticed.
I did notice a correlation between big motor developments and better sleep. Sleep got really regularly good for us 15 months, shortly after she started walking. At a little more than two years we were able to get her to sleep in her own bed. Now she pretty much sleeps until somewhere between 3:30-5:30 a.m., when she comes down the hall and asks to get in our bed. I don’t mind it because I still enjoy the cuddling. (On those days where she sleeps all the way through the morning, I’m usually running down to the hall a few times to check on her–oy!)
I hope I didn’t sound preachy in my other post. I know that if our situation had been different (say if my husband had been less committed to equal parenting) I would probably have chosen cry-it-out.
And I know one of the topics in this blog and book is that CIO sleep training does not lead to emotional/mental problems in children, so perhaps it wasn’t right of me to assert. It is just that I was so terrified of being alone at night as a child that is hard not to draw the line to my mother’s description of what sleep training me was like.
Keri, I totally agree that you have to have a supportive and willing partner in the process. If my husband was pushing for CIO rather than asking if he should heat a bottle I probably wouldn’t be speaking from the same place. It’s always good to hear a “success” story so thank you:)
I have found that there is very little middle ground as far as experts and support are concerned. They either recommend some form of CIO or co-sleeping and nursing all night long. I wish there was more support for parents who want to wait out the bad sleep stages for at least the first year or so while so many rapid developments are taking place.