After that last novella of a post, I thought I'd keep it a tad more brief today. I'd like to start putting up some posts that get us all contributing a bit more in the comments section. I would love to hear from you about some suggestions about how we could facilitate that better. All ideas are welcome!
In the meantime, how about I ask you a few questions about yourself over the next few months? First off, I'm just deeply curious about who our readers are. But also, I'd like to generate questions that might help with brainstorming ideas for future posts and, equally important, questions that may just help us know each other better (you know, in that totally anonymous, confidential, woo-woo disembodied world of the interwebs sort of way). I'll answer whatever I ask, so it's a more even playing field. (And feel free to ask your own questions in the comments section). So… here it goes:
What do you feel guilty about? (Yes, I know, I KNOW, my upcoming business trip away from my kids has me focused on some pretty OBVIOUS issues I have). For better or worst, so much of what we do or don't do as parents is tainted with feelings of guilt. Here's my (incredibly SHORTENED) list of things that I feel guilty about:
- leaving my kids (duh)
- sleeping in on the weekend and letting my husband make the kids' breakfast
- HATING, HATING, HATING to read Thomas books, so much so that I finally bought CDs that go along with the damn books and I plonk my kids down on the couch to listen to them when they ask ME, their one and only mother, to read it to them
- skipping brushing my kids' teach in the morning about 2 times/week (when we're late for preschool… we're ALWAYS late for preschool)
- being late for preschool
- not cooking dinner for my kids 3 times/week
- yelling at my kids (but tell me… why WHY, WHY can't they JUST. PUT. ON. THEIR. SHOES?!)
- Not making eye contact with my husband until I've been home from work for 30 min. or more.
- Exercising when I should be playing with the kids.
- Not exercising.
And I could go on and on and on. But it's your turn…
What I feel guilty about:
Shouting at my kids particularly when my almost 3 year old will. not. settle. down. to. sleep. (this is the big one)
Not spending enough time playing with my kids.
Not giving my husband enough affection.
Not eating together as a family enough ( twice a week max is far too few).
Spending too much time on internet while kids are playing by themselves.
That’s about all I can think of at the moment. I know ther are others which I will add maybe later.
BTW Isabela, I LOVE the Thomas books. I could read them all day to my kids. I hate the Bob the Builder books, they are so tediously boring, but the kids love them.
haha, I think my list is almost exactly like Paola’s! Except I’ll take it one step further on the books, I hate reading books outloud! Oddly enough, I’m a voracious reader and could read a book myself all day long… and I really want my kids to love reading when they get older. But I’ve always hated reading outloud (probably something about my patience level), and so I rarely do. Definitely the top two are when I yell at my almost 3 year-old and spending too much time on the Internet when they’re watching tv. (like now) I really don’t like playing kid stuff…. I’m not a great “play with me!” Mommy… I’m better at singing together, cuddling, etc…
However, Isabella, I think you should totally remove from your list feeling guilty about having your husband get up with them while you sleep in! My husband and I take turns on that and I NEVER feel guilty! Lord knows I’ve lost more sleep than him since they’ve been born, I deserve it!!! I also spend a lot of time on the weekend shut-up in my room reading a book under the covers—-and I do NOT feel guilty, I need a freakin’ break! =) (maybe this is also different since I don’t work)
Giving my child treats/candy so I’m rotting his teeth and his nutritional intake is not so hot.
Not giving my child treats/candy and thereby depriving him of a joyous childhood. I go back and forth on these.
Hell yeah, with the not brushing his teeth some mornings because we are going to be late AGAIN!!! I feel guilty that he is sometimes finishing his toast in the damn car on the way to school. It happens a lot these days.
Not being there to greet him after school. WMS = Working mom syndrome.
Getting home but having to focus on bath, dinner, bed routine. So I”m too busy, rushed and tired to do give him some quality time.
Losing my patience and yelling.
Buying too many toys, books etc. and thereby teaching him that everything comes easily or cultivating a materialistic future shopaholic.
Oh I could go on…
Oh the guilt! It’s toxic isn’t it. My little one has only been around for 6 months and it’s out of control already.
-letting her cry at night. It’s only for a few minutes just to see if she’ll settle but when she doesn’t I feel like a big jerk.
-not sleep training her, and attempting to sleep train her. Again, my heart breaks with the crying thing.
-being a push-over when she crys. Am I setting myself up for disaster later in life?
-Not having a hat on her toque on her head every time we go out.
-letting her sleep in the car seat when we get home. I mean, come on! She’s sleeping! You don’t actually expect me to wake her up by getting her out of it do you???!!!
-Spending too much time on the computer with her stuck in her activity centre (also known as the Command Centre or the Frustration Station depending on her mood)
-Some nights (and don’t tell my Mom), the girl doesn’t get a bath.
-Not hearing her cry in the mornings and my husband has to go get her because I’m just too exhausted to move.
Wow, that’s a lot (and that’s just this morning). She’s a dream come true and my wonderful baby girl and I want her to happy and healthy and laugh and all those wonderful things and it keeps me going to think that if I just keep doing it all for my baby, she’ll turn out all right.
Just an aside, but I feel so much better knowing you Dev. Pschs. shout at your kids too. I was starting to think I was the only one who did it.
Oh my god the sleep training/not sleeping training crying that rips your heart out guilt. Oy. Oy!
Letting her sleep in the car seat? Dude, you have to. NEVER, NEVER wake a sleeping baby. It’s your DUTY to let her sleep in that thing.
LOL about the bath thing…they don’t even sweat yet and we bath them 10x a day everytime we change a diaper. Come on!
I feel so guilty about talking to my 4 year old as if he was stupid. I don’t yell, but I get this school teacher-like (not the good, kind teacher), overly patient voice that irks me and makes me feel so guilty. No one should have to listen to that at home… But after telling somebody to put their shoes on for 45 minutes I just find myself disconnecting. Maybe I should try yelling…
Miranda- we are struggling to bathe our newborn 2x a week! Her older sister got much more frequent baths. The baby doesn’t seem to be suffering from it. We wash her face every night and call it good. And no, you aren’t setting yourself up for trouble later by responding to your baby’s cries. I heard that, too, with our first- “she’ll never learn to be independent if you don’t let her cry a little…” WTF???? She was a baby! What exactly is a baby supposed to be able to do “independently”??? And she’s plenty independent now that she’s 2.5, let me tell you. I’d take a little less independence.
OK, my abbreviated list:
- Not paying enough attention to my toddler because the baby needs to be nursed.
- Not paying enough attention to my baby because the toddler is throwing a tantrum.
- Not paying enough attention to my baby because I’m bored of shaking a rattle or whatever and just want to read my email.
- Sniping at my husband because we’re both so tired and we don’t have time to talk things through so we take the easy way out of trading zingers. In front of the toddler. Ugh.
- Not coming up with better, more varied family dinners. We have the same “go to” recipes that we use week after week… I should be at least trying to get my picky toddler to try new things.
- Not making more progress on my big to do list while I’m out on leave. Extra guilt points this weekend, because my parents are here to help. And yet here I am, writing a blog comment instead of sorting through the toddler’s overflowing outgrown clothes shelf…
@Paola and everyone else who has ever yelled!
If it helps to know, Is and her hubby have some nice findings from a study on “yelling” (well, okay that’s not really what it’s on, but more what it boils down to…whatever). The upshot: it’s the shameing, critical, abusive yelling (I know you’re not doing that) that is going to screw your kid up.
Just plain yelling – we’re talking raising the volume and expressing that exasperation – ain’t gonna harm him or her. Show me a parent that does not let rip sometimes and I’ll show you one that’s not with their kids very much, perhaps does not have a pulse!
I feel (rightfully) guilty for being irritated over how much my 2 year old likes my in-laws. She deserves family but it somehow underscores the fact that my parents are both gone so they will not get a chance to see her grow up. Selfish of me.
I feel guilty that I hug and kiss my 7 mo old & 2 yr old so much that I have very few kisses left for my husband at the end of the day.
I feel guilty that my 7 mo old isn’t learning things as fast as my first kid because I had so much more attention to lavish on her at this age.
First of all, to the person who is guilty about not bathing their kid every night – I bathe my son once a week. He gets hands and face and bottom washed lots of other times, so I don’t feel he needs any more soap and water. He’s very healthy and doesn’t smell. LOL
But, let’s see guilt for me….like everyone else, losing my patience and yelling at my son. He’s gotten into smacking lately and I have no idea where it came from, but I lose my patience and yell at him when he does it….always putting him to sleep on my shoulder-he’s 17 months old now and still has to fall asleep in my arms…getting behind on my house cleaning…sometimes letting him play on the floor while I read my email or look something up on the internet…trying to get him to sleep so I can do some work (I work from home)…not taking him out to the park enough…and I could keep going
I feel guilty about..
-Being on the internet seemingly all the time when 1 year old is playing.
- Not really being too keen on his games.
- Putting DS in day care 3 days/week and wishing we could make it 4 so I could spend more time at school.
- Not being as interested/excited as other moms about spending time with kid(s).
- Having a messy house.
- Being late for nursery and subsequently me being late for work.
- Not being a stay at home mom.
@Tracy about the candy thing…I grew up not having any candy. It was just one of those things – my parents don’t have sweet tooths (teeth?) so there was never any candy around the house to be coveted. BUT when I started grade school and I had an allowance, I was allowed to do whatever I wanted with it (including get junk food/candy). And I don’t feel at all deprived of the joys of childhood. I still don’t have much of a sweet tooth so I seldom eat chocolate, and the only sweet stuff we give to our 12 month old is fruit or a granola bar. I think it will stay that way just because we don’t have much candy in the house.
- putting on lullaby CDs instead of singing (I’m a singer)
- letting my 8-month old cry it out last night… for 7.5 min.
- running every day and leaving my nanny with the baby during that time
- not going to baby salsa classes, baby signing classes, baby massage classes
- forgetting to pump milk last night and so having to feed formula instead (not that there’s ANYTHING wrong with that in general, just that it should have been a pumped milk feeding
so many more…
Oh man – where to start? Is this a treasure trove for future posts or what ?
while I enjoy some time to myself. I recommend that all parents feeling the guilt should have a third child 
I am guilty of:
- hating to read aloud (@Emily – we must be twins!)
- yelling at my 5.5 year old (why doesn’t he get that you.must.not.run.in.the.bathroom or that.shouting.to.me.from.another.room.is.not.communication???
- being unnaturally calm with my 5.5 year old and my 3 year old in an effort to stop the yelling – so calm that they miss the fact that I’m telling them off. Actully, I think I may have found the answer to this conundrum. With my 3 year old I now use the teacher tactic of ‘pretend yelling’ followed by the magic words “Mummy is very cross!”. It seems to be making an impact without emotionally scarring her
- not spending enough one-on-one time with my 5.5 year old (anyone spotting a theme here?)
- not doing enough “educational” activities with my 3 year old, thereby risking her future progress
- doing too many “educational” activities too early with 3 year old, thereby risking her future progress
The good news is – I have no guilt with #3. None. It is heaven to spend time with him (he is not verbal or moving) and it is equally heaven to leave him in the safe, loving care of his father, grandparents, creche lady, whoever
Oh the guilt. My son is 25 months old.
- leaving my son for 8-9 hrs a day at day care
(I just edited 9 hrs to 8-9 hrs as evidence of my guilt and shame)
- sending him to day care on the days he says, “I don’t want to go to school” because, really, I would much rather be hanging out with him too than teaching undergraduates about abnormal psychology at 8:30 in the morning
-only getting an hour of QT with him a day during the week
- arguing with my husband in front of my son
- screeching at the dog in front of my son (lest he learn to screech at the dog, or others, too)
- bathing him while he shrieks, screams, and wails. he HATES the bath. Won’t sit down. And will finally cooperate to have his hair washed, but yells the entire time. @ Miranda? He gets a bath only when necessary because of the trauma. Like every two to three days? And we wash his hair maybe once a week.
- forcing my son to SIT in the bath (which is the equivalent of hell for him) because it’s cold now and he’s shivering while standing in the bath.
- that my son still sleeps in a crib because we’re loving the 7-7 sleep sched so much and don’t want to deal with the potential shinnanigans of bed transition
- my son still uses a soother at night
- my son still has a morning bottle with a nipple
- my son’s teeth are crooked and the guilt makes me believe that the two former guilt-inducing items have also caused the crooked teeth, whereas logic would suggest that genetics is the more likely cause
- that my son might not have a sibling because I don’t know if I can handle two and an academic career
Ok — this is getting cathartic…hang on for more…
- not being able to keep my son breastfeeding past 5 months and having to put him on soy formula which, in my tortured and guilt-wridden brain, is the cause of all his current food allergies, including SOY (ha! the irony), cow’s dairy, and gluten (genetics be damned!)
- believing that I fed my son the wrong solids too soon (barley cereal — packed full of gluten) – at 5 months – and this caused his gluten allergy
I’ll stop here for now…
@Chaosgirl
I hope I’m not stating the obvious here, but have you tried showering your LO? I started taking showers with my son at around 15 months, although this was purely due to laziness on my part and not becasue he hated the bath. Even now with my daughter the 3 of us get in the shower on ‘bath days’ (they are 3 and 5). It’s packed in there but the torture lasts half the time as the bath (and the bathroom with the shower is the warmest room in the house).
BTW, my daughter’s teeth are crooked too and she has never had a bottle in her life. Don’t be so hard on yourself, more than likely it is genetics.
Hi Paola — yeah, tried the shower. Hates that too. We’re hoping he just grows out of this hating the bath. it started when I made a bubble bath for him — totally freaked him out and, no matter how we’ve tried, we can’t get back to him loving the bath like he did last spring. Thanks for the suggestion!
Back finally! Thanks so much for all your great comments. I read some of them to my husband and his response: Wow, women are SO COOL.
Yeah… you guys are AMAZING for all your insight and openness. It helps me ENORMOUSLY to see how many other moms are feeling similar levels of guilt and still muddling through fabulously.
@paola: Can you come over to my house and read those Thomas books? I’ll cook for you a meal or two so you have the time to sit and eat all together… Deal? And also… yeah, you’ll be surprised at how “normal” Tracy and I are in terms of most people’s parenting; don’t look at us for the “perfect parenting” model (whatever the hell that is).
@Emily: DONE! I’ve just taken the sleep-in Saturdays off my guilt list (and informed DH of my psychological progress).
@Miranda: I could have written your list when my boys were younger. And your last outpouring of “love” must have resonated with so many of us… we feel guilty about acknowledging our big list of guilt!
@Mia: Wow… So interesting! I see your perspective, but also: I think it’s tough to change your style of speech as kids keep changing. That teacher tone may have been fine for a 2 or 3 year olds, but may bother you (and maybe your kid) more now. I think your sensitivity is what counts in the long run.
@Cloud: All I can say is DITTO, DITTO, DITTO when my kids were smaller. Having twins for me was always (and still is sometimes) about guilt about giving one more than the other at any particular time. DROVE ME NUTS. As usual, it gets so much better when they get older…
@J: Here’s something to soothe (maybe?) your guilt about your 7 month old learning “less” than your older at the same age: kids with older siblings usually end up MORE advanced in terms of language, social skills, play “skills”, etc. I am SURE you have NOTHING to worry about, but I get the guilt…
@Mary: when my kids would smack/bite/push each other, that was my NUMBER ONE trigger for yelling when they were at younger ages (now I have other triggers, lord knows). I always felt so awful about it because i was modeling “aggression” when they were being aggressive. But it’s all about our own emotional triggers…
@Penny: That last part? HYSTERICAL!! I proposed it to DH and he begged me to stop blogging.
@Chaosgirl: OY! What a list. To take just ONE of your issues re. teeth. My kids had a soother for every nap and throughout bedtime/nightime. Their teeth WERE effected. I took the soothers away at 3, their teeth are straight now, after 8 months. I wouldn’t sweat it.
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