All posts by Bella

Reader’s question: Should I stay or should I go now… (Or… A whole lot about transitions and 2 year olds and a little about sleep too!)

22-27 months, Readers' Questions

Although this isn't a question directly related to sleeping only, I still think it's a good one for discussing the more "stable" age of 2 years old. I wanted to post this question ASAP since it comes from a mom, K., due with her second child in SIX DAYS! My guess is there won't be a lot of blog reading in the near future for her…

I have a daughter who is 21 months, and I am expecting a boy at the end
of June.  My daughter had a rough start with colic and reflux and I
stayed home full time for the first 6 months after she was born.  Since
she was 6 months old I have been working 2 days a week.  We have a
nanny for the 2 days that I work and it has worked out really well.  My
daughter has grown into a very happy, fun and generally mellow toddler,
although I would say she is sensitive and is definitely in the midst of
the "Mama-must-do- everything-and-Dada-is-not-an-acceptable-substitute" phase right now.  I am hoping we are at least past the peak before the baby arrives.

Recently
I was offered a very tempting full time job that would start in
Sept/Oct after my maternity leave.  I have always expected I would be
going back to work full time and this opportunity is something that I
am excited about (even more so considering it sort of fell in my lap in
this economy!).  The catch is that the job is in another state.  But,
it happens to be in a city that is less than an hour drive from my
parents, sister, cousins, etc.  I am not put off by the idea of moving
and would really like to be closer to family but I don't know if I
taking the job would be disregarding or underestimating how hard this
might be on my daughter.  Taking the job would mean that within a ~3
month time span she would 1) have a new sibling 2) no longer have me at
home 5 days a week 3) have a completely new and different caretaker
(possibly daycare) and 4) have entirely new surroundings (new
neighborhood, new house, new bedroom, etc)

Clearly there is no
getting around the adjustment for a sibling but the other variables are
under my control because I don't have to take the job.  I do have some
concern that the adjustment of working full time is going to be harder
than I expect for myself, but when considered in isolation I am fairly
excited about the job.

So I guess I am looking for input about
how much change might be too much change for a toddler that will be in
the 22-25 month stage when all this would happen?  On one hand I know
that kids are very adaptable and these changes would be stretched out
over a few months, but ideally I don't want to be blind to the distress
I might inflict if I take it.  I can imagine there would be sleep
disruption and possibly behavioral issues, but I am not sure what it
might entail.

Do you have any advice or insights into how to
make these transitions as smooth as possible, or would I be signing up
for much more than I realize?  Is it too much adaptation to expect from
a toddler given that these would be choices not forced on us?

I love this question because there's just so many factors to consider and so many of them touch issues that many of us have had to deal with. I'll tell you right now I won't nail them all. But let's try to take this apart so we can see what this decision will really entail. K's done a great job of thinking all the various parts of the transition through. The main concerns seem to be:

1. Is this an ok age to make a bunch of changes in a child's life?
2. How much change can a child take without some significant level of distress (which, of course, K doesn't want to inflict on her daughter)?
3. What sorts of things are there to consider in order to make this transition go as smoothly as possible?
4. How will K's daughter respond (behaviourally and in terms of sleep disruptions)?

There's one more issue that I think is at stake here, although K doesn't mention it explicitly and that is:
5. To what extent is it ok to prioritize my own professional and personal preferences over some level of distress from my daughter?

All of these concerns are so intricately intertwined that it's tough to deal with one without considering the others. The bottom line is this decision will be about balancing the various needs of all family members. Let's start with #1: This is a relatively good age to go through changes in the child's life. Your daughter is just heading out of the toughest part of the 18-22 developmental upheaval. Of course, these are rough estimates of age boundaries so it would have been nice if your daughter was slightly  older, but still, she should have covered most of the crazy neediness/clinginess/crabbiness by then. But by 22 months or so, your child is more calm, more stable, and more secure than she was just recently. The massive cognitive changes ushered in by the 18-22 month shift have begun to consolidate. She has gotten used to being a social player in a social world. She understands what you require of her at meal-time and bedtime. Which means that she understands rules and she can adapt to them if she has to. This age can be a real delight because they start getting how fun it is to FOLLOW rules and to be a part of the family in whole new ways. But they're also now attuned to separations in a way they weren't before 18 months or so. You’re dealing with a child who is a lot smarter and more verbal than ever before. Driven by insecurity and anxiety about separations of any sort, these skills will be put to use to get your attention and comfort as much as possible. But still… making the big changes you're considering will be a lot easier now than at 2.5  years old.

#2 is about how much change is too much change. There's no REAL, data-driven answer to this of course. It all depends on the child and her sensitivities, it also depends on the TYPE of change and it also has a lot to do with how the parents are coping with the changes. She's now taking a whole lot of social cues from you, so if mom and dad are happy and excited about the next move, she will tune into that and likely join in the fun. And the TYPE of change is important here also. Yes, she's leaving her nanny and her house and neighborhood. But she'll be gaining much more access to grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and all the warmth and gushing love and excitement that could entail (never mind all the extra support you will get which will, in turn, help you parent with less stress). As you say, the sibling is coming whether she likes it or not. That will be a HUGE transition to deal with and you've thought about this big change deeply. But it actually may be EASIER for your daughter to deal with a new sibling if you do move. Whacky thought, huh? But here's where I'm coming from: Many parents report that the best thing they ever did for the older child to cope with a new sibling is to put him/her in daycare. There, the child gets lots of attention from other adults, she doesn't have to fight mom for her love and affection, and she really feels like she's becoming a "big girl" with a "baby sister" at home. Then when she comes home from daycare, she can have "special time" with mommy while dad takes care of the baby for a while. Your daughter will also have extra access to a bunch of loving adults, her extended family. This may possibly go a long way to buffering the rejection she may feel from mom being with the baby so often.

And here's a crucial point: What WON'T change is mom and dad's love and affection for her. At this age, children aren't as attached to places as they are to their primary caregivers. If they stay stable, predictable, and provide the same love and limits that were set in the old context, chances are they'll adjust quite well in a new place.

#3: What are some practical things to consider if you DO decide to move… I have a few thoughts, but it would be great if anyone else has made a significant move like this one to pipe in with further suggestions.

- Talk about the move with lots of excitement and joy. Plan TOGETHER with your daughter what her new bedroom will look like, how often she'll see grandma, and so on.

- Even if you DO feel lots of anxiety about how she'll cope, don't overly project those anxieties onto her. In other words, you want to let her express her fears of moving, her anger at her new sibling's arrival, her anxieties about not being mommy's little girl, but you want those to mostly come from her. Kids pick up our worries so easily and make them their own, even when they weren't there originally. Open ended questions that provide some choices help if you notice her feeling angry or sad. Something like:  "Are you mad or sad or something else?" Why? Is it because of mommy or daddy or baby?"

- Try to leave yourself several weeks open before you go to work at the new job. So, move several weeks before your mat leave ends. That way, you can put your child into daycare (or whatever arragement you choose) in the next city and deal with any transitional anxieties or behavioural problems before you also have to worry about being on time for work. 

- In terms of sleep specifically, try to mimic the context that she was sleeping in before as much as possible. Go through the same bedtime ritual, play the same music, read the same books, use the same blankets. Put her to bed at the same time and try to enforce those limits as much as possible even though she will surely push on them. This is going to be a time of heightened anxiety and our temptation in these times is often to become more LAX in our rules about sleep. The paradox is that this is exactly when children need us MOST to remain firm, so that they feel like their world is a predictable one, one that can't be shifted easily by the little rages of scared children. They need us to say "everything will be alright, you have to follow this rule, as you always have; we are the big people here and we'll take care of everything."

- Invite lots of family over to your new place early on, even if you're still living in boxes. This will help your daughter realize how great the new move was and how much more love and attention might be hers to enjoy (make sure that you give your family a heads up and ask them to hold and play with your older one as much or more than with the new baby).

#4 In terms of how your daughter will respond, as you can see, it depends on loads of factors and even if you do everything "perfectly" (which doesn't exist), she'll still have normal fears and anxieties that she'll have to work through with your help. Yes, that might entail more tantrums and less sleep. And if you're prepared for this and understand that it's a normal part of adjusting to novelty, it does
n't have to be a horror-filled time at all.

And this bleeds into the unexpressed issue #5: The bottom line for me is that if this job is your dream job and it's also a great location that affords you so many benefits that you look forward to (professionally and personally), then go for it! Your children will adjust, perhaps much easier than you anticipate. And if your daughter does have some difficulties, it's interesting to note that with the very, very rare exception, "biographical memory" doesn't really start until age 3 (in other words, she won't even remember the move by the time she's around 5). I'm partly kidding here (biographical memory does begin usually at around 3, but that's not the point). The point is that you are a thoughtful, engaged, empathic parent who cares deeply for her child's emotional well-being. That will pull her through almost any dramatic transition unscarred and likely better for it.

Good luck and keep us posted on your decision, if you can!

Going down at bedtime easily, but waking up frequently

Night weaning, Sleep Training Methods to the Madness

Thanks for all your feedback on the last post!  I really appreciate
your input and it has rejuvenated me. Maybe I'll just put up a "needy,
insecure" post every month or so and get my fix for your collective
voices… For what it's worth, I completely understand the tendency to
lurk (I was one of you for a long, long time) and I really am cool with
it. Having said that, it's always great to read your feedback, positive
or negative, and not JUST because I'm needy and insecure. It also gives
me fodder for more material to blog about.

So today's post is
going to try to address some of the questions in the comments section
about what to do about multiple wakings. For some people, this doesn't
seem to be under the same category as "sleep training" per se because
the child has no problem falling asleep at bedtime, but he or she DOES
end up waking up multiple times and then can't go back to sleep without
assistance.

First off, I have to say that this is indeed part
of the whole "sleep training" area. As many of you know (whether by
research or by just plain observing your infants), children cycle
through light and heavy sleep throughout the night, waking many times.
What they're actually cycling through is REM sleep (Rapid Eye Movement:
the light sleep during which we dream) and non-REM sleep (of which
there is the light, medium and heavy variety). They go through many
more cycles than adults do and they need lots of that heavy sleep to
function properly. So, the trick to decreasing the night wakings isn't actually about decreasing them at all
but, rather, we need to teach them to put THEMSELVES back to sleep when
they wake up (as adults, we also put ourselves back to sleep in the
middle of the night, sometimes several times per night, mostly
unconsciously).

Part of the reason that many kids don't have a
problem falling asleep in the first place is that we usually provide
them with lots of loving help. Most parents I've talked to have very
little problem with spending some reasonable amount of time rocking,
bouncing, singing and shushing their babies to sleep at bedtime
(provided it's not a 3-hour marathon). It's one of the nicest parts of
early parenthood for some of us. The problem with it, however, and this
is really a tough one to swallow, is that we are teaching our babies to
fall asleep with these "props." Richard Ferber talks a lot about these
cues (btw, he really is not the evil CIO guy that many make him out to
be; the newer edition of his book
is very well-researched, well-written and has some great information
about sleep patterns, biological rhythms and empirically-based
strategies that really work to deal with nightmares, night terrors,
etc.). Elizabeth Pantly
also does a good job of explaining sleep cycles and the importance of
teaching children to put themselves back to sleep. So, one of the first
"causes" of multiple wakings is the child's lack of experience and
ability to put himself back to sleep. What we try to do when we sleep
train is provide the child with appropriate "tools" to fall back asleep
when he wakes up (for example, we use pacifiers, blankies, teddies,
white noise, music, or in many cases, nothing at all except a dark room
with appropriate temperature and a peaceful environment).

Of
course, some children fall asleep on their own easily at bedtime
because they're simply exhausted and their body is drifting into a
natural sleep cycle that they just roll with. However, in the middle of
the night when they reach the light sleep part of the cycle, they may
startle awake and have no clue what to do with themselves. The natural
instinct is to holler for mom or dad to help him out.

So… what
can we do about these night wakings? Mostly: Teach the child to go to
sleep initially by himself. That doesn't mean you have to cut out the
rocking or singing or cuddle time altogether. Just don't put them into
a deep sleep through those methods. And then use your favourite (UGH)
sleep-training approach for every opportunity that the child needs to
fall asleep (bedtime, night wakings, naptimes). That means using the same "gentle" or "graduated CIO" or
"no-cry" or whatever method every single time the child wakes up. Use
those methods until the child learns to put herself to sleep during all
appropriate times. A child needs many, many repetitions to learn a new
skill. So, if most of the time you're doing a pat/shush/pick up/put
down method of gradually teaching your child to soothe himself to sleep
and then other times you let him cry for a few min and yet other times
you nurse him to sleep, he just won't be able to "get" it quickly. The real problem for most of us is that at 8 pm, we can pull off almost any elaborate training method, but at 3 am?! Then AGAIN at 4 am?! And 5 am?! The probability of consistently teaching ANYTHING at those hours with that little sleep starts to seriously decline. 

And all of this gets SIGNIFICANTLY more difficult if the child hasn't been night-weaned. Because when the child wakes up, he's usually fed. And whether that entails a breast or bottle, it requires a parent to do the feeding which, at least for the first stage of infancy, usually soothes the child back to sleep. So, it's very hard for a baby to learn to put herself back to sleep when most of the time a parent gives her milk and that works beautifully to ease her back to dreamland. THIS IS ALL GREAT. No problem whatsoever if everyone in the family is happy. And for the first few months, the multiple wakings are usually expected and tolerated to some degree. HOWEVER, 2 major things start to happen:

1. After the fourth, fifth or sixth month, many of us start to lose our minds from the sleep deprivation. I'm not talking about being a little groggy, a little tired, a tad slow. I'm talking seriously brain dead, dangerously impaired, potentially depressed, perhaps bordering on psychotic, and definitely less fit to parent. Even the most well-intentioned mother may lose it by the 6th month of 4-6 night wakings.

2. Around the 4-month mark, most babies do NOT fall asleep immediately after being fed. OH THE INDIGNITY!  Not only is the child waking up 5 times per night, but the regular routine of nursing or giving him a bottle isn't working to calm him back to sleep anymore. Now there's more bouncing, rocking, shushing, patting, and pleading which can last SO VERY LONG. And seem even longer at 3, 4 and 5 am.

That's why I generally recommend that parents try to night-wean before attempting to sleep-train. Because if the parent is going in sometimes with a bottle or boob and other times trying to use some sleep training technique, it makes it MUCH harder for the child to learn what the deal is. It's not impossible, but it IS harder. I want to be clear: This is NOT a recommendation to night-wean at any particular age. It's a rather straightforward consideration: if feeding your baby throughout the night is more important to you than your ability to sleep through the night, then DON'T night wean. If you are desperate to sleep-train and you want to make the transition as easy as possible, then night-weaning will probably help reach that goal.

So… now that I lost and just re-wrote half of this post (STUPID Typepad… *&&#^#%#%!!), I've lost steam and I'll get to some night-weaning methods in another post soon.

Comments… or lack thereof

Uncategorized

Real post coming later today… I just had a quick few questions for those of you willing to delurk briefly. I'm relatively new to this blogging thing and I'm wondering about the lack of comments on most of the posts (the hits on the blog are reasonable, but there's almost no comments on most posts). I'm totally fine with that being the way this blog is going to roll if it comes to that (I really enjoy writing here and the emails I get, although I'm behind in responding, seem to suggest that this is a good forum for answering people's sleep-related questions). But I did want to make sure that there isn't anything blocking people from commenting (with the LARGE caveat that I was a lurker at most of the blogs I read when I first stared reading them, for a variety of reasons). So, a couple of questions for those of you willing to share:

1. I've had two people email me about problems they've had posting comments. These seemed to be technical problems (they'd post, and then their comment would disappear when they'd refresh). I've tried to find the problem, but I can't figure it out. But I also don't know if it's just a bug in someone else's software or computer and not a Typepad problem. If you HAVE had this problem, and you still are experiencing it, I would REALLY appreciate a quick email (bedtiming@gmail.com) letting me know this is the case.

2. Is this just not the type of blog you would comment on because it's largely "information" being put out there rather than a personal blog per se (the latter may seem more like a conversation and this blog may seem more like a one-way distribution of research or something)?

3. Are there topics that you're interested in that I haven't covered and therefore you don't really have that much to say on the issues I've posted?

4. Are you just so damn sleep-deprived and brain dead that the thought of putting a few words together on a public forum fills you with horror?

5. Am I just overthinking this and I should just get on to the "real" posts already?

Any and all thoughts are very welcome (critical or otherwise. Really.)

Reader’s question: Changing sleep habits at 12 – 16 months

12-17 months, Readers' Questions

Here's a question from someone that I can finally feel good about saying "Go for it!  This is a GREAT time for making some changes!" After that volatile period of 8 – 11 months that we've talked about at length, there's a relatively peaceful window between around 12 and 16 months (with the caveat that some kids do start walking around this age and for SOME kids, this can be very disruptive for sleep… but for most, this is a nice, stable stage).

My son is 11 months old and up until now has been breastfed and co-sleeping.
At the moment, I'm trying to wean him off of night feedings, he's
been pretty good about it, b/c he's sleeping with my mom and I'm in
another room, but he can't sleep unless someone is beside him. I really
want to put him in his own crib/bed but I thought night weaning should
come first. I'm not sure how to go about making the shift from
co-sleeping to alone sleeping. Also, when is a good time for this? How
long does it take for him to learn to put himself to sleep when he
wakes up in the middle of the night? How long before I can start
sleeping in the same room with him?

First off, I think it's a great idea, if you can do it, to night-wean before making big changes with the co-sleeping situation. It's not necessary, but it sure makes it a lot easier. To answer your question about when is a good time to go from co- to alone-sleeping, you're just about to enter one of the best windows right now.  Why?

Sleep training at this stage gets a boost from the toddler’s sense of autonomy, he has a new-found interest in the nonsocial world, he's relatively independent and secure, and he's developing a real sense of connection and social power through the beginnings of language. Most children some time during this stage begin to walk and they are SO INTO getting around and exploring… which makes them a little less into you. Many kids this age can bounce back from emotional challenges, they don't need to cling desperately to the image of a recently departed parent. However, sleep training at this age is also hampered by the 1-year old’s savvy. This kid has just emerged from a phase of relatively intense separation distress. Separations are no longer neutral. They are associated with feelings of loss, anxiety, sadness, and frustration. Although the peak intensity of separation reactions has passed by now, such reactions have not disappeared. Not at all. For the rest of his life, the child will never be entirely free of the potential for pain and anxiety that comes with being left alone and the sense of helplessness that goes with it.

As a result, the 12-16-month old toddler may defy your efforts to change his bedtime routine. He WILL whine, or yell, or cry to get you back, aware of the power of his voice to bring you back. Introducing a new stuffed animal into his "new" crib might help. Music to keep him company while he's trying to fall asleep may also help. Bedtime rituals, consisting of stories or songs that emphasize his connection to you and to the world may also be a great way of bridging his day and night. This child, so autonomous an hour ago, needs to connect with you, needs to know that you are still within range. He needs to know that separation is not permanent, and that you’re going to come back of your own accord. He needs to feel your love and your care, to know that he is the object of your attention and concern, and that he can call to you when it’s time for reassurance. When he calls for you, at least at first, it's a good idea to let him know you'll be right there. He's used to you being with him every moment of the night (or with your mother). So, if you can feel the confidence and independence that your child is feeling through the day and trust that he can go through the night with minimal intervention from you, then transitioning him to his own crib is likely to work. As I've said before, the method that you choose to make this transition is up to you.

Many of the pitfalls of sleep training at this age emerge from your child’s spirit and his intelligence. His hands will find a way to make contact with every object on the dresser—that tube of cream, the box of tissues, the baby wipes, the pictures on the wall you thought were out of reach.  Whether on his way to the crib or once in there, he will use every opportunity to play and explore rather than acquiesce to sleep. And he may be clever enough to capture you in his play (I remember the ridiculous game that BOTH my boys got into of throwing their stuffed animals on the floor, one by one, each time screaming "oh-oh mama!" each time forcing me to come back up and toss the animal back. TEN. THOUSAND. TIMES. a night). You may see this as bedtime, but for your toddler it’s just another episode of play time. But whatever the obstacles you encounter, 12-16 months is a far easier time to initiate the shift from co-sleeping to sleeping on his own than either of the periods surrounding it. You just came from a stage of peak separation reactions combined with social referencing,  and you’re about to enter a stage when the toddler’s whole social-emotional world is turned on its head, when defiance and autonomy compete with abject neediness and insecurity.

In terms of the specifics of how long will it take for him to learn to
put himself to sleep and how long until you can sleep in the same room
again, I can't give you a definitive answer. There are huge differences
among kids who transition from co-sleeping to sleeping on their own.
Some have NO PROBLEMS at all, much to the shock of their parents. Some can take more than a month to make the transition slowly. And still others don't make the transition during childhood at all, if the parents decide the change isn't worth the stress and tears. Some kids are most amenable to the more gentle, gradual approaches (for example, you first move the child to a pack and play right next to your bed and hold his hand or rub his back through the night, then move the p & p a bit farther from you every day until the baby is essentially across the room, in his crib). While other children find those techniques ultimately frustrating and confusing, but respond beautifully to a straightforward Ferber-like method of checking in on the child in the crib at increasing intervals.

GOOD LUCK!  Anyone else have good or bad luck sleep training during this stage? What worked or didn't for you?

Some thoughts about sleep-training methods

Sleep Training Methods to the Madness

If you've been following this blog or have read our book, you know that I am extremely agnostic about what sleep-training technique works best. I simply don't think there is one best method. I've tried to convey my belief that the age and stage you choose to teach your young child to sleep is just as important as the method you use. Perhaps more important. But deciding on what method to use is indeed a critical decision as well—a very personal and powerfully emotional decision at that. I wonder if my responses to some of the questions I've posted feel somewhat unsatisfying to you. I can see why they may, given that I don't think I can offer you a step-by-step guide to changing your baby or toddler's sleep habits. Actually, I probably COULD provide that kind of specific advice, but it would mean that we'd have to go out for a long lunch and talk about your personal situation at length (maybe dinner and a bottle of wine would be more appropriate).

I think the method you choose will and should have everything to do with your parenting philosophy, the way you were parented yourself, your cultural background, whether you have to work outside the home, whether you have support from family and friends, the extent to which your partner is involved with co-parenting, whether you have a partner at all, not to mention your child's temperament and his or her already-established sleeping patterns. It's complex, isn't it? I think if I offered you a 2-paragraph summary of what you should do with your child to change his sleep schedule based on one email, I would be hugely underestimating all these other complexities that should go into your decision. But I think hearing from a whole bunch of parents going through similar struggles and hearing what worked and didn't for them (and why) is really helpful.

Ideally, there should be strong empirical support for at least one of the many methods out there but, in fact, this area of research is rather dismal. I'll point you again to the recent review of the most popular sleep-training methods conducted by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine (published in 2006 in the journal, Sleep). The review concluded that no sleep-training method is superior to any other, in terms of effectiveness. From a scientific perspective, there’s no one best way to do it. (I only make one exception to my general rule of being open-minded to any approach out there: I abhor Ezzo. I know some people swear by him. But he has contributed to some serious damage and that's why you won't see any links to his books and material here).

Despite raging debates, most authors of sleep-training books share the goal of providing children with warm, relaxing rituals that will make it easy for children to want to go to sleep. Most think bedtime should be a time for parents and children to feel close and secure with one another. Almost all the sleep-training manuals out there advise parents to first and foremost set up regular bedtime rituals that will reliably signal the baby or toddler that it is time to go to sleep. Most of these rituals include some variation of feeding the baby (either nursing or bottle-feeding), giving a warm, soothing bath, perhaps reading a bedtime story or two, singing or playing lullabies, and then finally putting the child down in his or her crib (or family bed). The methods begin to diverge at this point.

So, although I'm not going to be telling you what to do as much as WHEN to do it (and why), I'm interested in YOUR perspectives and also your questions about the methods that are out there. I'd really like to hear from you and I'd like other parents who read this blog to hear from each other:

1. Is there something you want to know about a particular sleep-training technique? I can't promise to know everything about all the approaches out there, but if I have the information, I'll share it with you.
2. What are you trying right now, with varying degrees of success or failure?
3. What method would you recommend to only your worst enemy?
4. Do you even believe in ONE AND ONLY ONE method for sleep training?

Reader’s question: Typical 2 1/2 year old sleep issues coupled with marital stress as collatoral damage

2.5 - 3 years, Readers' Questions

Here's a tough set of questions that Z. raises. Her circumstance touches on some of the most common, but often unexpressed issues that surround sleep training children. 

"…We have a 33 month old who is driving us batty right now. WE DESPERATELY
NEED a solution because the current state of affairs is bringing out
the worst in us. We have 2 boys 33 months and 13 months. They are both having
their own issues. The 13 month old is teething and learning to walk and so he is
waking up every 3-4 hours but falls back easily enough with some
patting on the back. The 33 month old has never been a good sleeper.

[...The boys sleep in the same room]… Because my eldest has always needed one of us
to fall asleep with him we used to sit with him, lie down with him,
fall asleep with him and eventually after about  an average of an hour
he would fall asleep.

Then all of a sudden a month ago we turned a corner. It seemed that we
could just tuck the kids in and they would fall asleep on their own.
We discovered it purely by accident since my husband and I were in and
out of the room and the toddler had put himself to bed. Then he did it
again and soon that is how they were sleeping. It was pure bliss
because not only was he putting himself to sleep but he was falling
asleep quicker (15-20 minutes). And that was a light bulb moment
because it seemed that our not being in the room was allowing him to
sleep faster.

But the happiness didn't last for long a couple of weeks ago while the
kids were sleeping our smoke detectors went off (smoky oven) not once
but 3 times. It terrified them but they settled down and fell asleep.
Since then each night the toddler has a had a tough time going to
sleep. At first he needed us to snuggle for a few minutes which was
fine but the last week or so it seems that we are back to the starting
point (if not worse) because he needs us to not only lie down with him
to fall asleep but stay there the whole night.

The thing is having tasted that freedom and realized how much of our
lives we got back this setback is very hard for us. First off we were
on the edge of resentment with having to put him to sleep anyway and
now that we know that he is capable of putting himself to sleep having
to take these steps back is really hard especially since we realized
how much we need that time after the kids go to bed. Prior to the last
month or so for the past 2.5 years my husband and i have had precious
little time with each other in the evenings (our lives). And what the
freedom has shown is how much we need it for ourselves and our
relationship.

So now once we tuck him in and the crying hysteria (and I mean
hysteria up to 2 hours of top of lungs screaming and crying) starts we
start to break down ourselves. We can't seem to decide on a strategy
to deal with the new situation since neither one of us is keen on
returning to the old one (though it's seeming like we have to). We are
fighting with one another, we are reacting and getting angry with our
son which makes the situation worse and I just don't know what to do.
Tonight all 3 of us have been crying, my son because he needs/wants
us, my husband and I because we feel like we have already given more
than we have.

Fortunately the younger one sleeps through a good chunk of the crying
for the most part, even though, they share a room and so right now
that is not of immediate concern but what does get to me is that when
he wakes up and cry my husband and I do go to comfort him and so I
know we're sending mixed messages and adding to the jealousy of our
older son. The question then is what do we do? Should we suck it up
and let the crying continue though it simultaneously frustrates us and
breaks our heart? Should we go back to lying down with him? Should we
maybe just sit in the same room and work on the computer or read a
book? And if we are to return to his room to ease him through this do
we do it for a month? 2 months? Until he turns 3 in 3 months? I just
need someone to tell us what to do and for how long because quite
honestly we are beyond exhausted with this whole sleep issue.

Oh how I feel for all of you. I've been there. SO MANY OF US have been there. There's a few really important issues that are at play here. Let's see if we can pull them apart so we can see this situation as clearly as possible.

1. Your son is going through one of the major developmental transition periods, (the 2.5 – 3 year old stage). We've talked about all the HUGE cognitive and emotional changes that your child is soldiering through and indeed, jealousy is one of the big emotions that come on line at this age. So are all sorts of new fears and anxieties. Yes, the smoke alarm might have "set him off" (hahahaha… ok, SO not funny, just couldn't resist. Shoot me now). One of the most interesting things about transition periods, ESPECIALLY the later ones (after 18 months or so), is that kids will often seem to be going along with no problems and suddenly, out of almost nowhere, their vulnerabilities explode all over the place. And it can take something as small as this smoke alarm incident to splay his insecurities for all to see. But one thing I'm pretty sure about: if it wasn't the smoke alarm, it would have been the baby crying one night, or a thunder storm, or watching a commercial on t.v. that he found suddenly scary. SOMETHING usually sets kids off at this vulnerable stage and sleep often goes to hell as a result because kids now have the capacity to think about these insecurities in brand new ways. So, first and foremost, this is a really, really tough age to change sleep habits, as you know. That doesn't mean they CAN'T be changed, especially if you're at your wit's end… but still, it's a tough one.

2.  So few of us talk about it, but our "romantic"/intimate relationships are the first and maybe the worst collateral damage associated with children's sleep problems. We often talk about postpartum depression, moms' capacities to care well for their kids, etc. But the stress that sleep deprivation and the hopelessness and frustration that comes along with having a child that can't seem to fall asleep on his own is HUGE. Partners often start fighting about sleep-training techniques, parenting philosophies, the pragmatics of who needs more sleep, who is getting the short end of the deal, who is being neglected, and so on. And it's so frustrating when the only thing both of your really want is some more time together, as adults, alone… Your marriage IS important and it is indeed a very legitimate reason to want to teach your child to fall asleep on his own. It's great that BOTH Z's husband and she are on the same page in terms of trying to prioritize personal time between the two of them. It's much harder when one partner wants time alone with their spouse and the other isn't making that a priority.

3. Like Z., so many of us get into horrible battles with our spouses in the heat of sleep training or, rather, trying to cope with our children's sleep patterns. One of the most important pointers for sleep training in general that we give in our book is the following (excerpt from Bedtiming): "

"Whatever sleep-training method you choose, develop a concrete plan during the daytime hours, when you feel maximally rested. Do not come up with a strategy in the throes of the 5th waking of the night at 4 am. The sleep deprivation and inevitable frustration will likely make this middle-of-the-night plan less feasible and more irrational, and its implementation more haphazard. We suspect that many a marriage has been sorely tested in the wee hours of the night by the eruption of sleep-training debates." 

Most of us can't think of a strategy in the middle of the stress of hearing our child wail and weep for us. Add to that the COMPLETELY NORMAL resentment that builds from never having a moment of "us" time, and the situation can get pretty dire. I would suggest that Z and her husband need to step back and come up with a plan during the day, when they're both well-rested (HA!) or at least feel somewhat clear and coherent. If they can get a babysitter for a couple of hours so they can have this discussion over lunch or coffee at a cafe, even better. Come up with a strategy that both can agree about and make a promise that neither partner will reneg on this plan for some set number of days (whatever feels right or realistic for both of you). Then they can review the progress and rethink the plan if they have to (if the first plan doesn't work).

So… what CAN you do? Here's a few of my suggestions, but as you know, I'm not terribly optimistic about the success of ANY strategy at this stage/age. But here are a few thoughts:

  • I'm sure you've already done this, but talk to your son about the smoke alarm: why it went off, when it goes off, why it's a sign of everything working right, etc. You can try setting it off in the day with a match or something, so that he sees  how easy it is to do and how banal the trigger can be. Some people may want to avoid this talk, in hopes of the child forgetting the initial fear, but there's a good chance that he won't get past it without some help from you.
  • Because your child is in a vulnerable stage, whatever sleep-training method you choose, I'd suggest picking one that at least allows you to check up on your child periodically. So, for example, many parents have had success with telling their toddler that they will be back in 5-10 min, after they've completed some household task. The child may cry, but he can be reassured that you WILL come back. Then you do. Lather, rinse, repeat as long as it takes for him to be asleep. This will give him the assurance that you are indeed around, you are checking on him like you check on his little brother, but that you will not sleep with him throughout the night. At 2 1/2 years old, so much of what's going on in the child's mind is about testing his social power, social influence, his place in the family hierarchy. It's his developmental job to push as hard on your boundaries as possible and it's up to us parents to set those limits so that our kids understand that they are firm, but with lots and lots of love and support to back it up.
  • CONSISTENCY is key here. This is true at all ages and with whatever method you choose, but ESPECIALLY when a child is particularly anxious and vulnerable, like most kids your son's age. When you come up with a plan with your husband, make sure it's one that you BOTH feel you can stick with. If you don't feel like you can let your son cry for 10 min, make a plan to be with him every 5 min. If you can't handle any full-out crying right now, then don't try any sleep training method for the time being.  Waffling between sleeping with your son and putting your foot down will ultimately HEIGHTEN his anxieties and perpetuate his sleep problems. The best thing you can do for your son now is to make his world as PREDICTABLE as possible.

Obviously, I simply can't get myself to give you a step-by-step technique. I find it way too presumptuous of me to thrust my parenting style onto
you (and my preferred sleep-training methods that work for my kids onto your kids).

OK, I've written a second book with this post.  I DO go on and on sometimes, don't I? So, help Z out with this one… Any other parents going through similar situations? Any other concrete sleep training suggestions? Support?  Anyone's marriage tripped and recovered over similar circumstances?

3 1/2 years old Part II: Reader’s question about waking up and staying up

3.5 - 4 years, Readers' Questions

I've written a bit about what's going on in the three and a half year old's mind during this critical transition period. I'm not sure if I find this stage so fascinating because it just is so inherently damn cool or if it's because I'm watching my own kids creep up to this phase. They're about 3 months shy of 3.5, but they're certainly showing some typical behaviours: increasingly sensitive, more needy, more demanding, more meltdowns over the most RIDICULOUS things ("I don't WANT my sand to fall out of the truck!" ,"J doesn't know how to COOOOOOOOOUNT! He's doing it WRRRRRRRRRROOOOONG!", "I don't EVER, EVER, EVER want to be gooooood. Good is BAD!", "R hit me in my dreams and he won't say sorry."). I'm sure I would have lost my mind by now with these meltdowns if they didn't seem so damn INTERESTING in terms of what it says about their developing minds. And they kind of crack me up too.

OK, onto more important matters. Here's an email from a woman with twin 3.5 year olds. Her kids are in the throes of this transition period and, did I mention, she has TWO of them going through it at the same time? 

I have identical twin daughters who were born in October, 2005.  There
were 10 weeks early, if that makes a difference.  We've always used no
cry methods to get through their sleep regressions.  They are not great
sleepers, but they aren't really horrible either. They stopped napping
about a year ago and their nighttime sleep really improved.  We put
them to bed around 7pm and leave their room. For the most part, they go
to sleep without major issues. On a good night, they both sleep through
and wake up around 7am.  One of them has night terrors which we've
discovered occur when she has a full bladder and putting her on the
potty at the first whimper has solved that problem for us.  Our other
daughter is a mystery that I can't solve.  In addition to occasional
nightmares, after which she goes right back to sleep, about once a week
or so, she wakes up in the middle of the night (around 1am or 2am) and
can't go back to sleep for 2-3 hours.  She's not upset.  She's not
crying.  She's actually in a really good mood.  She's asks if it is
morning and to go downstairs and play.  We've been very consistent
about it being nighttime and she needs to stay in bed and rest even if
she's not sleeping.   We've tried leaving her in bed alone, but she
keeps getting up and comes looking for us.  We've tried putting her in
bed with us, but she just tosses and turns and keeps both my husband
and I awake.  We've tried laying in her bed with her, where she still
tosses and turns, but at least is only keeping one parent awake.  After
2-3 hours, she is sleepy enough that we can leave and she'll fall
asleep on her own.  We've tried changing her pullup and having her sit
on the potty.  We've tried asking her why she woke up, about dreams,
etc.   She never has an answer for why she woke up and can't seem to
verbalize why she can't go back to sleep.  Meanwhile, her sister is
sleeping peacefully in the bed next to her, wearing the exact same
pajamas and sleeping under the same number of blankets and so forth.
She will happily sleep late the next morning to make up for this loss
of sleep, go to bed on time and sleep fine the following night.  I
can't find any triggers for this behavior. It doesn't seem related to
food or activity level.  There is no discernible pattern.  Is this
something that other preschoolers are doing as well? 

So, the answer to that last question is a resounding YES!  This is VERY common for kids around 3 to 4 years old. R.'s question is almost identical to several that I've received (except for the twin part). Moxie just had a great thread
of comments that pulled out a lot of stories of sleep disruptions
during this period, so go check that out too, if you haven't already. Kids this age often have a hard time getting to
sleep (when beforehand many of them dropped off in 5-10 min, now it's
taking hours sometimes) and/or they find it difficult to put themselves
BACK to sleep. I've already mentioned that the biggest change that happens during this stage is the onset of "theory of mind."

Children at this age—and especially those who are more sensitive temperamentally—suddenly feel vulnerable in contexts that were fine before, and they feel especially vulnerable when they imagine that their thoughts or feelings might be viewed as “bad” or inappropriate. They also begin to show other insecurities at this age, including anxieties about others being angry at them and less explicit fears and concerns. Shame and anxiety are such powerful emotions, and they are often emotions that we don't understand well (even as adults). The capacity to feel these emotions on a deeper level can be very unnerving. Sleep problems after the age of 3 is less likely to involve crying spells or other extreme emotional displays. But it may evoke more subtle emotional reactions that are just as disturbing. What is your child feeling while lying in bed, waiting for sleep to come? Is she wondering about how you or others perceived something she did that day? Does she wonder if being left alone reflects your disapproval, your wish to be rid of her? She now has the capacity to imagine that you are thinking just about anything, and a young child’s imagination can go to extremes that you and I would find remarkable and sometimes frightening. Children have plenty of time to ruminate about what their parents might be thinking about them while they are lying in bed alone. Keep in mind, there doesn't need to be any ACTUAL rejection or disapproval from the parent for a child to nevertheless start wondering about what WOULD make mom reject her, what WOULD make dad mad, etc. (IOW, I'm not suggesting that you or any mother out there is intentionally rejecting their child, only that the child now has the ability to IMAGINE that it could happen).

I haven't ignored what R. told us: when her little girl wakes up, "She's not upset.  She's not
crying." That's very common. And I'm not going to profess to really know what's inside your child's mind, you know her best. But it might be that she's actually very happy to see YOU. When you come into the room, she may feel a rush of warmth and security that she wasn't feeling while lying alone thinking the new thoughts she can now think. So, even if she's not traumatized when she wakes up and she's not crying or screaming for you, she may still be feeling the small insecurities that are the hallmark of this stage transition and those feelings may be exactly what's making it difficult for her to fall back asleep. The fact that it's not happening every night may be actually an indication of how generally secure she does feel.

In terms of what you can do about it, my take is that there's not much you can do about the waking, but you CAN do something about how she feels while she's awake. If she asks why she can’t sleep with you, or why you can't play with her now, it would be important
to reassure her that it has nothing to do with her qualities. It’s not
about her being a bad sleeper, or not as quiet as her sister, or babyish, or selfish. (Of course, don’t
raise these issues by name if she doesn’t!) Rather, let her know that
everyone wakes up once in a while and that everyone has many thoughts sometimes in their heads that keep them awake. You can try talking to her about her day and how it all went at bedtime, just before a calming story or song or whatever your routine is. Processing with her some of the experiences she's having that she may not fully understand might help with preventing her from doing it herself in the middle of the night. This kind of reassurance can go a long way during this
period of emotional uncertainty. But the bottom line (and the recurring chorus on this blog) is this stage will pass. If she was a fairly good sleeper before, it is likely she will go back to sleeping just fine through the night in a month or so. 

The last thing I wanted to mention was the CRUCIAL point that R. makes that her other IDENTICAL TWIN daughter (i.e., genetically the same) is having none of these problems at the exact same age and in the exact same context. I LOVE how this example brings home the point that it really can be quite different from one child to the next. Although almost all children go through these developmental stages at approximately the same age, the style with which they COPE with these changes can be vastly different. The beauty of having twins in this kind of case is that you can let yourself off the hook — neither your genes nor your parenting style seemed to have caused these sleep disruptions. And there may be nothing you can do to "solve" the problem either… except providing as much emotional support as you can muster at 4 in the morning.

Anyone else been through this and come out the other side? I'm just as keen to hear war stories of this stage as anyone out there, given I'm just about to watch and wonder while my kids muddle through it soon.

3 1/2 years old Part I: It’s all in their heads

3.5 - 4 years

With all the talk at Moxie about three-year olds, I thought I'd post about this next major stage transition in development. More specifically, the transition happens around 3 1/2 years old. This age brings so many fascinating new cognitive capacities and they're linked to a whole host of emotional changes. And of course, if you're following along at home, this transition period means possible sleep setbacks. It's also not a stage that I'd recommend trying to change sleep habits (around 3 is fine, around 4 is good again, but this middle period can be tough).

Here's an excerpt from Bedtiming that explains what's going on in the child's mind at this age:
"The biggest change that happens in the young preschooler is that they acquire what developmentalists call "theory of mind."  Theory
of mind is the understanding that other people have their own goals,
feelings, internal states, thoughts, and opinions. In short, other people have
minds of their own, and the contents of those minds are very often
different from the contents of one’s own mind. False-belief
understanding marks the culmination of theory of mind: the child can
now predict that other people will believe whatever they perceive
through their own senses, regardless of whether it’s true or false.
Many studies have demonstrated that 4-year-old children understand this
basic principle of human perception, while 3-year-olds do not. By the
age of 3 ½ to 4, when children can separate their own beliefs from the
beliefs of others, they have undertaken a remarkable shift in social
understanding. They have now begun to glean that each mind is like a
chamber filled with its own perceptions of the world, and no two minds
need ever see the world in the same way.

[Here's a video
that explains the idea quite well and gives you a sense of how developmental researchers test
kids for theory of mind (at least the first half)]

Understanding that your parents have minds of their own can be quite a
shock at first. Up until now, you took it for granted that Mom saw
things the way you did. In fact, you didn’t have to explain to her how
you saw things, because there was only one way to see things: the way
they really are. Now that people’s beliefs are seen to be private
affairs, carried around in their own heads and not accessible to
others, a number of issues have to be worked out. When my stepdaughter
was 3.5 years old, she rode on the back of her father's bicycle to
nursery school every day from her third birthday on. She would
typically point to interesting sights as they rode by, saying, “That
flower is blue! That boy has a funny hat!” and so forth. Around the age
of 3 years and 4 months, however, her language changed. She began to
phrase these comments as questions rather than statements: “Did you see
the blue flower? Do you think that hat is funny?” She was clearly
conceding that his reality was not the same as hers. But other changes
were less cheerful in tone. At exactly the same age, she would be
sitting at the table eating her cereal when her father came downstairs,
and she would shout “Don’t look at me!” While turning her head away or
hiding behind her cereal box. WTF, why did she freak out with no
apparent trigger? If your parents have minds of their own, and if you
don’t know what’s inside them, then you might well worry. They might be
looking at you, and they might be thinking…anything! They might be
thinking that you just spilled your cereal, or that you were supposed
to wait, or, more generally, that you’re a bad, selfish little girl.
How would you know?

In this way, false-belief understanding can be a ticket to a new suite
of insecurities. A private mind, with its own thoughts and beliefs,
might harbour thoughts about you that aren’t very nice. I've come
across so many parents' stories that keep reinforcing how huge this
change is. Parents of 3 ½ -year-old children have told me that their
daughter suddenly stopped letting them hear her sing. “Go away! Don’t
listen!” Or “Don’t look at me!” Or “Go away until I tell you!” This is
often also the age where children suddenly stop letting their parents
help them at the potty, if they’ve been potty-trained for a while.
These reactions suggested extreme self-consciousness. These kids
apparently worried about being seen, or being heard, because there was
something about themselves that might not live up to such scrutiny.
Something unpleasant, or greedy, or bad. In fact, false-belief
understanding seemed to bring about a spurt of intense shame reactions."

There are more implications to this shift, including the ability to feel true empathy (in a way that has never been there before) and the unfortunate ability and motivation to lie. We'll talk more about these in the days to come.

The reason why
sleep goes all to hell for lots of kids at this age may be due to all these incredible cognitive and emotional changes they're experiencing. At around three and a half, when children try to fall asleep at bedtime or try to put themselve BACK to sleep in the middle of the night, they may be experiencing the creeping insecurities and anxieties that accompany the dawning of a whole new suite of emotional and social perceptions. That's a whole lot of new stuff that they're trying to sort out and as I rush headlong into this new stage with my own two boys, I want to keep their little minds in mind for the next few months.

Books available in Europe

Uncategorized

The books have arrived in Germany, where they will now be sent out to those of you who have sent me an email expressing interest. Here are the actual costs:

Book: $16.50 CD / 10.63 euros (I can't give the Amazon discount, but I won't be charging for shipping from Canada to Europe, so that's how you're making up the cost)
Shipping in Europe 2.70 euros
Shipping in Germany 0.85c
Book mailing envelope 0.70c

So total cost in Germany: 1.55 euros (shipping within Germany) + 10.63 euros (book) = 11.13 euros
Total cost to the rest of Europe:  3.40 euros (shipping in Europe) + 10.63 euros (book) = 14.03 euros

If you would like a book sent to you, please email me ASAP. For those of you who have already emailed your requests, I'm sorry to ask this, but could you RESEND your request so that I'm absolutely sure I'm not missing someone (when I first started the blog I might have been a little less…organized with the emails. I basically ran my inbox like a drunken teenager who just discovered Facebook. I'm much better now. Really.).

Reader’s question: To transition or not to transition a 2-year old to a “big boy bed”

22-27 months, Readers' Questions

Here's a challenge a lot of you seem to be going through: transitioning a child from a crib to a "big kid's bed." I think I've said this before on this blog, but I'll say it again: I was SURE I'd never move my kids out of their cribs until MAAAAAAAAAYBE when they reached adolescence and the bars on the cribs couldn't be nailed any higher. I'm serious. I LOVED those cribs, mainly because my boys loved their cribs. And they slept in them. For many, many hours. And when they did not sleep, they were still IN their beds. Contained. But in a socially-acceptable, non-locked, un-toruturey-looking sort of way. Oh how I feared the move to big boy beds. Oh how I put that transition off… And then things changed and I had to suck it up and just do it. Here's the question (the child is 2):

We bought the bed about 6 weeks ago, planning to use it for story time
to get our son used to it. Well, one night about a month ago, my son
begged to sleep in the bed, so my husband let him. To our great shock,
he went right to sleep and stayed there all night with no problems.
That went on for two weeks. Naptime wasn't as great. I would give him a
chance sleep in the bed and tell him if he got up, he had to sleep in
the crib. I usually gave him three chances, and 60-70% of the time, he
ended up in the crib. He'd scream for one minute about wanting to sleep
in his big bed, then go to sleep peacefully.

Then we went to the
beach for vacation for a week.When we got home he was getting all four
2-year-molars at once and he simultaneously discovered how fun it was
to run out of his room and laugh gleefully while Mommy or Daddy chased
him. He's been 90% in the crib ever since. Every single time, he cries
to sleep in the big bed and we try it, but it ends with him running
around. A few times last week, I managed to get him to nap in the big
bed by holding his doorknob shut for 30 second intervals, but I think
it was just the surprise of the situation that worked. Once he got used
to that, he realized it was just as fun to play in his room and make a
mess until Mommy came back.

I feel like we're at a crossroads.
If we're going to make the bed work, we've got to do it now. I'm also
at risk for preterm labor (our son was 4 weeks early after I was on
bedrest for 10 weeks) so there's also a real possibility this baby
might come sooner and I obviously don't want to try to change anything
in my son's world once this baby is here. My husband is loathe to spend
money on another crib, but our son sleeps SO well there. Is there even
a chance we can get a just-turned two year old who just wants to run
around to actually sleep in a big bed? We haven't taken the crib out of
his room yet, or tried returning him to bed as many times as it takes,
because honestly, both my husband and I feel drained after 15 minutes
and it's so much easier to give up and put him in his crib where we
know he'll sleep. I'm starting to think we should buy a second crib for
the baby and leave well enough alone until our son seems more ready for
a big bed. The only reason I hesitate is remembering the 14 or so
nights he slept there so well, but maybe I should chalk that up to a
fluke and move on.

Alrighty… there's a few things going on here and I'll take them in turn. First, let's start with his age (I'm so predictable that way). Two years old can be a GREAT age to make big changes. He's gone through the messiest part of the 18 – 22 month transition and he should be feeling a lot more emotionally resilient and relatively stable now. I'll write more about this stage soon, but the bottom line is that your child should generally be less clingy and anxious than a few months prior and more feisty and independent (generally speaking, of course). So, yeah, good age to move things around if you must. ESPECIALLY since a new baby is coming and change is going to be hard at 2.5 years old, no matter what form it takes.

Second, um, yeah, you really WERE lucky with those first two weeks and unfortunately your instinct is right, you should probably just chock it up to a fluke and move on to problem-solving the current situation as it stands (which is of course exactly what you're doing). Also… if it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure that your son would have eventually figured out the joys of hopping out of bed and running whacky through the house even if his molars DIDN'T come out and you HADN'T gone away for a trip. It's generally just a matter of time until the little monkeys get it and most of us have to actually implement some sort of "rule" about staying in bed before they reliably stay put.

Third, you obviously have a HUGE life-altering change that's going to be happening to your whole family, including your son, very soon. I completely agree with your decision to make any changes now, before the new baby comes. And the sooner the better so that your son doesn't "blame" the baby for kicking him out of his own bed. So, I think you have at least two ways to go with this:
1. If he sleeps beautifully in his crib still, you can easily let him go for another year there if you want to (if he's not endangering himself by climbing out). At two, they're still little roly-polies, squirming all over the bed during the night, and often feeling a lot more secure in a crib than a big bed. So, if you don't want to buy another crib for the new baby, you can get yourself a pack and play (they were called play pens in my "youth") or a similar idea through Craigslist or any second hand store. They're generally very inexpensive if you take that route and the new baby won't know the difference for at least 6 months.
2. You can bite the bullet and REALLY transition your boy to his big bed. That means take the crib right out of the equation, otherwise, your son knows that you'll place him there eventually when he's oppositional (develpmental psychologists' way of saying a "pain in the ass") and runs away. He's probably enjoying that game by now and his goal may ultimately be to land himself in the crib. You can make a big to-do about moving to a big bed permanently and then go through the regular old routine that you are loathe to do: when he gets out of his big bed, walk him back calmly, probably 100,000 times the first nigh 90,000 times the second night, and so on. Walk him back to his room when he gets out of bed with as much neutral emotion as possible. Don't get angry or playful, don't talk much to him, just say the same thing each time you escort him back to his bed, something like: it's time for bed now, please stay tucked in, see you tomorrow morning. You WILL prevail. He WILL get bored of bouncing out of his bed the ten trillionth millionth time, but it may take a few nights of staying consistent with this message.

I know option 2 really, really sucks because you need your sleep and you're very pregnant and tired and NOT in the mood to play tag an hour after bedtime and it's just SO MUCH EASIER to give up and plop him in the crib and be done with it! The main thing I wanted to emphasize with these last 2 options is that at this point, it seems like giving him choices about where to sleep might be confusing him in the end and he may be developing new habits that will need to be broken when the baby comes (NOT a time when you want to deal with this). Although I understand your initial rationale for wanting to ease your son into the choice of where to sleep, I think right now, presenting the option of the crib vs big boy bed may prolong the inevitable transition and make it harder on everyone involved.

Any other parents with siblings who have dealt with this transition? Suggestions, words of commiseration, success stories or cautionary tales?