Thanks to one of our readers, Bonnie, for suggesting the topic of today's post, this New York Times article. It would be silly for me to review the whole article here, given it's the NYTs and their writers are kinda good. So… go read it first and then we can talk a bit about some of the issues it raises.
Back? Excellent! So, the article presents a program that is attempting to teach children the kinds of self-control skills that we've been talking about this week — not just delaying gratification, but also being able to shift attention when you have to, being able to SUSTAIN attention when you have to, being able to wait patiently for your turn, being able to persevere without being distracted until you've solved a problem, and so on. Unlike other school programs, this particular one (called Tools of the Mind) doesn't try to teach kids with explicit directions to control themselves, nor does it advocate using behavioural principles like negative feedback for "bad" behaviour and positive reinforcement for "good" behaviour. Instead, the program is designed to foster self-control by creating a learning environment that is steeped with opportunities to USE and practice these skills. A large part of the day is spent encouraging (and even "teaching") children how to engage in "productive" pretend play. Yes, they're TEACHING children how to pretend to be princes, princesses, mommy with baby, batman and robin, and so on, all with the idea that this helps children practice and get better at sustained attention and self-control. Here's the most interesting quote out of the the whole article for me:
"Bodrova and Leong drew on research conducted by some of Vygotsky’s
followers that showed that children acting out a dramatic scene can
control their impulses much better than they can in nonplay situations.
In one experiment, 4-year-old children were first asked to stand still
for as long as they could. They typically did not make it past a
minute. But when the kids played a make-believe game in which they were
guards at a factory, they were able to stand at attention for more than
four minutes. In another experiment, prekindergarten-age children were
asked to memorize a list of unrelated words. Then they played “grocery
store” and were asked to memorize a similar list of words — this time,
though, as a shopping list. In the play situation, on average, the
children were able to remember twice as many words. Bodrova and Leong
say they see the same effect in Tools of the Mind classrooms: when
their students spend more time on dramatic play, not only does their
level of self-control improve, but so do their language skills."
Interesting, huh? So, at least for the 3-6 year olds, making playdates (how I loathe that word) during which we encourage kids to dress up and play house, doctor, superheros and restaurant (and hope they leave us alone to eat our cake and gossip) is just what they need to acquire those self-control skills. MAAAAAAAAAAAAYBE.
The truth is, the jury is out on the science part of this claim. The crux of the article, if you read it all the way through, is
that they're not quite sure IF this whole pretend-play focus and Tools of the Mind in particular works. Equally important, even if it does turn out that it works, they have
no idea WHY. The current studies aren't even looking at the various elements in the program (and there are many) that may be facilitating greater cognitive and emotional control. And there are no other well-designed, replicated studies that have established effective strategies to teach children cognitive control.
My guess is that there are some things we can do to help (provide lots of practice with waiting for a reward, teach self-distraction strategies, play games that require turn-taking, enforce rules about listening to others at the dinner table, etc.), but that the vast majority of children are in environments that already naturally foster these skills at develomentally appropriate ages. Executive function or cognitive control or whatever you want to call it has been shown to increase steadily over the ages of 2 and 5-ish (and it keeps going, just at a slower rate). For a fabulous paper (Carlson, 2005) that reviews the neuropsychological and cognitive studies, click on the first link in this Google Scholar search (I keep trying different ways to post original scientific papers through links on this blog).
And in answer to the orginal question on Monday about what to do with a 1-year old that can't delay gratification: I'd say apart from Tracy's recommendations to just keep the enticing stuff out of sight, there's not much you can do… and that's TOTALLY fine. One-year olds don't have the mental capacity yet to control their impulses, thoughts, or emotions (nor will they until about the age of 2 and then, just barely).
So, at this point, your guess is as good as any scientist's: What do you do with your children that may be helping them to develop better self-control? Do you think there are some things we do that may delay these acquisitions?
– Isabela
As an aside, my almost 5 year old boy usually pretends he is the mummy, princess, female character during pretend play. I’m assuming this is because I am still very much his main reference point as dad is away a lot. Is this typical? Should I be worried?
Very interesting topics all this week. I think my boy is doing pretty well as far as self control goes. My 34 month old, not so much. In fact she is pretty lousy at self control. I’m assuming this is related to her age.
@paola: yup, the 34 month old is DEFINITELY in a rough (totally normal) age for self-control. (I almost feel like asking if I can get an “amen” from other readers with kids in the 2.5 – 3 years age block… most of us have been through it). As for the dressing up like female characters, TOTALLY NORMAL and probably not that related to father’s presence (it may be, but my hunch is there are just as many kids who would respond by dressing up MORE like male-typical characters and taking over the “father/male” role in the family). Basically, my kids go through phases where all they want to do is strut around in my high heeled shoes (at least SOMEONE’S wearing them) and put on princess costumes. One of my closest friend’s little boys ONLY dresses in princess, snow white, etc. costumes. In short, this is very typical and all good… This stuff usually drops in frequency when they’re going to school full time and they start “getting” gender roles more explicitly (and being teased about crossing them). I find it all kind of sad, but most boys stop playing girl-roles around 6-7 (that’s my rough understanding; I’m NOT an expert in gender identity).
Just to reiterate what Isabel is saying, my son would think nothing of putting on my jewellery, clothes etc. once upon a time. Now that he is in “big school” he is SO all about being a boy. He has suddenly become VERY aware of gender roles. And yes, I agree it’s sad. I’m hoping that he’ll get over it eventually and find a way to incorporate the “female” parts of himself into his identity. A mother can only live in hope,no?
What? You’re not going to give me the answer? Ack!
Frances is very distractible right now and I am constantly trying to brainstorm ways to get her to concentrate and finish tasks, because as that article said, rewards and consequences have absolutely no impact on this one. “Finally!” I thought. “A science-tested way to help her develop this important skill!”
And then–not so much. :p
Oh, yes, our 2.5 year old has suddenly turned into a tantrum monster. I’ve been wondering how much of this is her age and how much is the arrival of her new little sister… and whether it actually matters since I can’t really come up with any great way to deal with the tantrums regardless of their cause.
I’m sure you’re familiar with the marshmallow experiment? (Or perhaps it is even referenced in the NYT article, which I’m afraid is a little too long for me tonight.) This is all over the internet right now because the video of kids trying not to eat marshmallows is so cute. (For anyone who has somehow missed this: researchers give a kid a marshmallow and say that he can have another one if he can wait some period of time without eating the first one. The experiment was first done quite awhile ago, so they’ve followed up with the first cohort of kids, who are now adults. They found that all of the kids who were able to delay eating the marshmallow went on to be “successful”. Of course, some of the kids who couldn’t delay were also “successful”, but none of the kids who could delay gratification turned into complete screw ups.)
Anyway, my husband saw an online lecture on this, and is now on a not too subtle mission to try to teach our daughter how to delay gratification. I’m staying out of this one. I’m not sure that we can teach this skill, or at least not this early.
OK, I just scrolled down and saw your entire post on the marshmallow thing.
BLUSH.
@Cloud: You’re awesome. I’m so glad it all felt like it connected with you, on various levels. And let us know what your husband comes up with for your daughter. No one else knows what they’re doing, so who knows, he may be on to something…
@Andrea: ha! Don’t you love when the evidence is “inconclusive?” But more seriously, I think this stuff is so relative. I’ve watched Frances closely: she’s got an AMAZING attention span. Sometimes I think it’s more OUR problem about how we measure this stuff and what our expectations are as parents. I bet if you started a game of pretending that involved stuffed animals talking to each other and you were in character in this game the whole time, she would go on with this game for HOURS. And my kids would too, to a lesser degree (maybe because of their younger age). But if we asked them to focus on something that they were less engaged with (math problems, reading something challenging, working out a physical/building/puzzle problem that was hard, etc.), then they might look “distracted.” I struggle with this so often. I don’t have the answer, but I think that sometimes I have to re-think the actual task I’m expecting my boys to focus on — maybe it’s something that they just aren’t motivated to care about. And that’s MY challenge: to try to make it more interesting/engaging, etc. I think the key here is whether you’ve seen your child very attentive/engaged/un-distractable in SOME KIND of task that is active (this is the key, not just t.v. or video or something that is about passively taking something in). If so, the child probably has the CAPACITY for formidable cognitive control, she/he just chooses not to exercise it sometimes. ANd this is why good teachers are GOLD and the awesome ones deserve to be paid better than any of our doctors or lawyers do. I’ll stop this rambling rant now, but suffice it to say that I get where you’re coming from and think about it A LOT.
Hmmm… very interesting! Can I say that again? Veeerrrrry interesting!
Here’s my simplistic ‘take’ from the NYT article: 3-5year olds focus better when playing make-believe. I can say Amen to that, having taught my son to put dirty laundry into the washer by pretending to be a choo-choo train with the laundry basket. Watching his kindy teacher teach scissor control by using ‘snap Mr Crocodile, snap snap snap’. Using the timer for pretend ‘races’ when I want my 3yo DD to finish some task she is dragging out.
I totally get the concept. But the brilliant imagination one needs to apply it in real life is sadly lacking in me.
So I’d love to hear if and how others have used make-believe to teach the other parts of self-control that you mention, like waiting patiently, perservering in spite of distraction, shifting attention. Anyone ?
@Penny
About a month ago I started making up stories using my kids favourite charaters ( ThomastheTankEngine, AngelinaBallerina) and now they literally BEG me for a story all. day. long. It’s not that much fun for me anymore, but it keeps them focused, say, when we are all walking home from kinder, or when I take my daughter for a walk. Recently I have made up a new story about a Princess Zoe who can’t fall asleep and her mother puts a spell on her at bedtime so she will fall asleep easily and without any fuss ( unlike her non-princess namesake). Anyway DD wants the story over and over again. I have a spell all made up for her which I ‘cast’ at bed time, but unfortunately the spell has yet to work.
Still, the kids go crazy for these little stories. There is sometimes a moral (since I have no choice but to tell them these stories, I thought at least they should be educational)to the story, say, about whay you shouldn’t lie or the importance of being a good friend, not to mention the importance of getting a good night’s sleep. Let’s home they sink in and really teach something.
@Penny: Great question! Here’s a few things I do:
- To teach waiting patiently (and listening skills): Their usual thing would be to talk over one another and watch to see who “caught” my attention, so, for example, on our walk to preschool, I ask one boy to “be the teacher” and tell his story and the other boy and I are supposed to be “the students.” Periodically, the “teacher” is supposed to stop unexpectedly and say “So, what have you learned?” And the student (either me or one of the boys) are supposed to say what we just heard in the story. If he’s wrong or if he can’t say because he HASN’T been listening, “the teacher” admonishes the “student” gently, repeats the part of the story, and moves on. And then we switch and the other gets to tell a story and be the teacher. For some reason, this really engages them; they seem to dig the idea that the other two are listening to their “special story” so closely that they can recite it back and they seem to feel good when they’re reciprocating that feeling. Also, kids seem to love to play the adults in pretend stuff. (I personally think being an adult is WAY overrated).
For sustained attention to a difficult task (like “little leggos” or a new jigsaw puzzle): I try to break the “task” or “goal” into smaller units. So, for example, if one of my boys is trying to build a house out of leggos, he usually gets bored or frustrated at first. I’ll get him to imagine being “Bob the Builder” or some other “worker” character and then I say: First let’s see if you can build the fence. GREAT! Now let’s see if you can build one wall… GREAT! Can you do another wall? Once I’ve “scaffolded” these steps for them a few times, they seem to internalize them and can build the house from start to finish on their own (and sustain their attention to that task WAAAAAAAAY longer than they were originally able). I suspect it’s the breaking down of the task rather than the pretend play that’s the most important part about this example.
I’ll think of more soon…
Thanks soooo much for responding to my question! Very helpful. I’m not surprised that the jury’s still out on a lot of these issues. We haven’t reached the age where our son needs to (or wants to) ‘focus’ on tasks yet but we’ll get there before too long, I’m sure.
Bella, since your book is called bed ‘timing’, maybe you could help us draw a timeline of when major developments occur so that certain strategies would work. For example, a good friend of ours recommend a parenting book called ‘Love and Logic for Early Childhood’. In a nutshell, the book says that you should do 2 things. One, you give children lots of choices (of course only if they are safe for them) so that they feel affirmed, and come time when there isn’t a choice for them to make (i.e., bedtime), you can ‘withdraw’ from the ‘deposits’ that you had been making all day by allowing them to make choices. The other thing is that you let them experience the natural consequences. So if your child pitches a fit in the store because he wants a toy, you talk to him about the different choices (e.g., “save up money”, “do chores for mom for a week”, or “try to walk out of the store with the toy”) and you let them make a decision and experience the natural consequence. In the case of younger kids (e.g., your child throw food), you just lovingly let them experience the natural consequence (remove them from high chair and put them in their crib for a 1 min time out) without judging them after the consequence has been dealt. Our friends say they would do this as early as for a 1 year old, but when my husband and I read it we keep thinking, “would our son even understand what is going on?” I mean, he understands that if we drop our voices it probably means he has done something wrong. But how much more does he understand? We would be really grateful if you could recommend either a book that can tell us what’s going on in their minds at what age so that we know what they actually do and don’t understand, or else point us to a timeline that can tell us what strategies can work when. Like you said, expecting our one year old to have any inhibition when it comes to food is just futile. When could we start to expect a child to have simple reasoning skills?
I just love this blog!