This is such a rich topic and, given that Halloween is just around the corner for those of us in North America, it's a timely one. It's also timely because we just got a great question in a previous comment section about just this issue. Christy asked:
If you're
looking for questions for new topics, maybe something on fear? My 2.5
year old is going through a big "I'm scared" phase. Some of it seems
Halloween related (wanting to see the displays, saying he's scared and
wants to leave, talking for five minutes about how he was scared,
asking to go see it again. Repeat.) but he's also suddenly saying he's
scared of the kids at the playground, going down the slide, etc. and
talking about scary dreams, which seems to go beyond just the holiday
too.
So, if you've been reading this blog for a while you will know that 2.5 years old will ring a bell for me immediately. That's because it is one of the developmental transition periods we've been talking so much about in the context of sleep (usually between 2.5 and 3 years old). As you'll see, all those developmental stages are equally important for a whole host of other social, emotional and cognitive challenges. If you want to know more about what's happening around 2.5 years old in terms of the cognitive changes, read this first. For the social and emotional implications, check out this post.
OK, now that you're up on the developmental theory, you can see why the example that Christy gives of her son is SO VERY common at this age. Children at this age are obsessed with testing their power and control in different contexts. That's why they're always testing YOUR limits at this age — because you provide the ultimate litmus test of how very powerful your child CAN be, in a relatively safe context (it's why tantrums can be so horrible, why they seem to stop listening to any of your requests, why they are constantly wanting to "do it myself" and so on). So… when children ask to see something scary and then shy away from it immediately, and then go right back to asking for more, they're playing with this power and control boundary. They're testing just how strong they are and just how independent they can be; at the same time, they're rushing back to "touch base" with you to refill on the emotional security you can give them. The point is that new fears, and testing how "brave" they can be in the face of these new fears, is absolutely textbook at this age. So is the crazy-making "Help me/Get away from me!" behaviour. Again… they're working all this out because it's all new to them.
There's so much more to say about children's fears and there are different points to make across different age groups. But there is one thing we can generalize: New and seemingly overwhelming fears are most likely to come up during the sensitive periods in development, those transition periods I keep talking about (4-5.5 months, 8-11 months, 18-21 months, etc.). During these transition periods, kids are working out so much new information and mastering a whole set of new cognitive and emotional skills, so they're super vulnerable. And, obviously, vulnerability breeds anxiety and this anxiety can bring forth irrational fears, such as a recurring fear of the dark, or the worry that some person (or animal!) is angry at the child, or that the slide that used to be so easy to come down on may actually cause the child to break a bone. Bad dreams and even night terrors can pop up during these periods also.
And, you know, the random proliferation of ghosts and goblins, witches and gravestones all over their previously humdrum neighborhoods can't help the poor little dudes…
What are your kids afraid of? Does anyone else notice that children can go through these periods of increased fears and anxieties and then settle down again into a more secure phase? Were you a fearful child? If so, what helped or hindered your feelings?
Thank you! Original poster here and we’re still in the thick of it. It helps to know this is normal for his age. I’m trying to take his cue on how to react – encouraging him when he seems to want to face his fears, but not pushing too hard when he just wants to hide behind me. We did carry him into a Halloween party with friends this weekend that he was unsure about, but thankfully he warmed up to everyone eventually (and once our host hid the scary skeleton decoration).
Of my two children Iit is the older child ( 5 in January) who goes thru those periods of fear you talk about. At around 2.5 he was afraid of the diesels in Thomas (thetankengine), particularly Diesel 10, who lets face it, is pretty sinister. But at the same time he was fascinated. He would cuddle up to me when they appeared on the screen, then turn to watch them again. When I asked him if he wanted me to turn the dvd off, he always said no. At around 4, he went thru a similar stage with some of the Pixar films we saw. The sharks in Nemo freaked him right out but there was no fast forwarding that part. He was intrigued. Now at nearly 5 he is pretty cool with most things, but he is still the more apprehensive of the two.
My son is 31 months, and has a 5-month-old sister, and I honestly didn’t notice a spike in anxiety, jealousy, or misbehavior at 28.5-30 months. Well, he was horrible on a vacation taken at 30 months, but to be fair it was a major disruption that was accompanied by several other big disruptions in routine. On the other hand, I almost threw out the Wonder Weeks book because he never hit any of the milestones, even approximately. (Some things he never even did, like he never stared at his hands, which always worried me because all the child development stuff went on and on about that.) His sister, on the other hand? Like clockwork.
Anyway, the two very new things I’ve noticed in the past month or so are 1) he now understands pretending, and does it all the time, and 2) he is prone to get easily frustrated and say he “can’t do” something, often having barely tried, and often while he’s managing to do it. I would say this second is the closest thing to anxiety issues that has arisen. (Not that he’s never afraid; just that there hasn’t seemed to be a particular spike in that emotion recently.)