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Consistency is key when using ANY sleep-training technique

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Although I'm not big on suggesting any particular sleep-training method over another for all families, I do strongly believe that being consistent with whatever method you use is essential. This isn't any new, brilliant insight, I know. Many folks out there emphasize this point and most sleep-training "gurus" certainly urge you to use their particular method consistently. But here's the developmental / psychological reasoning behind this advice:

The reason consistency is such a big deal goes back to basic principles of "behavioural" psychology. Over and over, psychologists have discovered that “intermittent” reinforcement (in other words, reinforcing or rewarding a behaviour INCONSISTENTLY) is the BEST way to create a strong behavioural habit. Somewhat counter intuitive, right? You'd think the best way to teach a child (or animals in general) is to CONSISTENTLY reward whatever behaviour you're trying to teach. Nope. Decades of studies with human and non-human animals have shown that inconsistent reinforcement creates even stronger habits than consistently reinforcing a behaviour. So what's happening in a baby's mind if, for example, you sometimes let your baby cry-it-out (when you're at your wit's
end and YOU. MUST. TAKE. A. BREAK) and other times you hold her and cuddle
her as soon as she starts crying?  When there is no predictability to the
rewards your baby is receiving (YOU are the reward, BTW), the uncertainty of whether the reward will be coming this time or next keeps the goal of attaining that reward very strongly in the forefront of the baby’s mind.  Without any predictable schedule of soothing, the baby may continue to cry longer and longer until she gets you back.

So, whatever sleep-training method (or bedtime routine in general) that you choose, I'd suggest to pick one that you can stick with. Don't try Ferberizing if you know you can't take the crying for more than 2 min. Don't try the more gentle, hushing/patting/rocking-to-dead-sleep methods if you know you will lose your patience and start raging and fuming after 30 min of your baby still being awake. Pick whatever method you personally feel is the right balance between what your baby can take and you can take… And then try to stick to it.

Oh yeah, and if you try something and it turns out you can't be consistent: Chock it up to another parenting lesson and move on. Re-start when you have a better idea of what might fit for your family. Spend no time beating yourself up for any of it.

And lest you imagine that if you're a developmental psychologist you will be a glowing example of consistency… um, not so much. Marc (my husband) and I try, of course. But in some of our darker parenting (and marital) moments, we could be overheard hissing at each other: "That was SUCH intermittent reinforcement!" and something about "Pavlov could have done it better…" Point being, KNOWING about the dangers of inconsistent reinforcement and avoiding it can be 2 very different things. When the boys look at me with those big, insanely sweet eyes and say, "Just ONE more story, mama, only one more quick, fast, short story, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?!" Yeah, I cave with the best of them. Last night after the fifth story, I VOWED that we'll stick to the "2 stories before lights out" rule. Let's see how I do tonight.

What about you? What are some of YOUR shining moments of inconsistency?

Newborn alien sounds

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I got this question from a recent mom of 2:

I just had my second baby 2 weeks ago and I'm SHOCKED at the sounds this kid makes in his sleep. My question isn't so much about how do I get him to sleep more or when to sleep train. But I'm co-sleeping with him like I did his older brother during the first few months (first boy is 3 now). I should say HE'S co-SLEEPING and I'm co-awake. All the time. I had no problems with his brother, but this one squeaks, he squaks, he screeches and almost does this dolphin-like singing thing. WHAT IS THAT?  And can I make it stop? Is it gas? Because the thing is, I cannot for the life of me sleep through it. Is this something I just have to live with and if so, for how long?

Man, does this ever bring back memories. Not all kids do this, but many do. My twin boys made INSANE noises in their sleep. I remember calling one "race car" and the other "sqealler". The sounds are alien. They're like nothing you've heard before if you haven't been around newborn babies sleeping and I for one couldn't sleep through them either. I had all intentions to leave the crib in our bedroom (my boys were in one crib together for a while) for at least the first few months. But I was getting no sleep at all with them in there.  In my case, they both started sleeping more quietly (or at least the sounds weren't as high-pitched and strange) around the 3-month mark. I've heard similar stories from loads of moms, but as far as I know, there are no empirical studies in developmental science that have marked a precise age at which these alien calls subside. Nor is there any consensus on what causes them.

In terms of what to do, I don't think there's much to do in terms of getting him to stop the noises. And as I've mentioned recently, any changes in his sleeping SCHEDULE should probably not be made this early in his life. So, the choices I see for you are all about his location: (1) try putting the baby in a crib in another room, if that's what you're eventually planning on doing anyway and TURN THE MONITOR OFF (since this is your second, I'm sure you know you'll wake up from a baby's cry without the need of any amplification if his crib is at a reasonable distance from you), (2) try putting the baby in a co-sleeper or bassinet next to your bed — maybe if he isn't right next to your body or ears, you could get used to the sounds easier, or (3) grin and bear it for the time being, if co-sleeping is your priority. You may very well get used to the sounds and stop waking up so frequently from them when your nervous system has stopped reacting to them so dramatically.

Any pediatrician or knowledgeable parent out there know the biological underpinnings of these cries? What have others done in similar situations? If you're not currently in that early stage, can anyone even remember back to those early weeks?

I hate the term “sleep training” too

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When we first started writing the book, every time I'd write "sleep train," I'd cringe. Isn't training for pets or something? It just sounded… wrong. But it got to be too clunky to repeatedly write things like: "teaching your child to sleep…" or "helping your infant fall asleep…" and so on. Many people use the term "sleep train" to refer to what parents do to try to teach kids to sleep longer stretches during the night and to nap more consistently through the day. We went with it, but I've never been thrilled with the choice.

Let me also make the point here that when I talk about sleep training, I'm referring to a large class of strategies that are really about trying to induce TRANSITIONS in the way your baby or child sleeps. So sleep training can be applied to a huge variety of sleep issues:

  • helping you child sleep longer stretches at one time during the night or helping her sleep "through the night"
  • getting your child to sleep in a crib after co-sleeping with him for a period of time
  • helping your child wake up less (or put herself back to sleep) in a family bed
  • getting your child to sleep in a crib rather than <insert a variety of desperate yet effective methods including sleeping in a car seat, swing, sling, bouncy chair, buzzy chair, in the car>
  • helping your toddler transition from a crib to a "big boy/girl bed"
  • teaching your child to put herself (back) to sleep without 2 hours of parental rocking, bouncing, shushing, begging, etc.
  • and so on…

Success stories: When did it work for you?

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For those parents still struggling with crazy-making sleep deprivation and the challenges of sleep-training, it would be great to have success stories that could provide some hope. 

If you've successfully sleep-trained your child already, how old was your child at the time?

Was it easy or hard to do?

I'll start: Our twin boys were exactly 6 months when we started sleep-training. I hit a serious wall between 4 and 6 months and COULD NOT COPE anymore with the hourly wake-up calls. I was a physical and emotional wreck, what with the 3 hours of sleep per night I had been getting most nights (these were not 3 hours IN A ROW, keep in mind). The whole process took about a week, but the worst was over by the first 3 days. I'd say we had it really easy — and I attribute some of that ease to luck (yup, very scientific of me) and the rest to the timing of our sleep-training efforts. At 6 months, the boys were secure, cheerful little guys (which was a lot more than I could say for myself), totally absorbed with sitting up and playing with anything that came into their field of vision. They were noticeably less needy than just a month before, so we went for it and our lives completely changed afterwards. It's amazing what 7 hours of solid sleep will do for a person's mood…

Oh…by the way: This was just the FIRST time we did it. Have I mentioned that for most families, sleep-training isn't a one-shot deal?  Stay tuned for the 3 year-old story…

Why a blog?

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This is my first foray into blogging and I'm hoping it proves useful and productive for everyone involved. Let me try to lay out the rationale for starting this site:

I wanted a place to talk about the issues raised
in Bed Timing, to highlight particular research findings that form the
basis of the book and, most importantly, to provide readers a space to
ask questions and trouble-shoot through their own sleep-training highs
and lows. We’ve been on several call-in radio shows as part of the book
promotion tour and my favorite part of this process has been connecting
with real moms who are in the trenches, trying to solve their own young
children’s sleep problems. I’m hoping to do more of that through this
blog.

I’d like this online space to serve several functions:

(1)
To provide a Q & A forum in which readers can send me their own
personal sleep training dilemmas and I can try to provide some tailored advice, based on
my developmental training (and some personal experience!).  Please,
feel free to email me any
question related to your child’s sleep issues, or developmental
challenges that may be relevant to their sleeping. If you’re worried
about something, there’s sure to be many, many other parents in the
same boat. I’ll post questions and answers several times per week. 

(2)
To highlight the latest research findings on the link between
children’s sleep and cognitive and emotional well-being (both the
child’s and the parent’s). I’ve got tons and tons of research that I’ve
compiled, summarized, and critiqued. Much of Bed Timing is based on
that research. I’d like to post relevant studies, articles, and new
research findings on a weekly basis and have you comment about the
usefulness and relevance of that material.

(3) To develop a
supportive community for parents and caregivers that can help parents
help each other through one of the most harrowing developmental
challenges. The extent to which this goal will be realized is all about
you.

So… clearly, this blog isn't going to get very far without your thoughts, criticisms, questions, and general feedback. I'd love to hear what you have to say…

Reviews

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Reviews of our book, Bed Timing: The “when-to” guide to helping your child to sleep

AskMoxie (the most awesome parenting advice blog) — She loved it!

See what our readers have to say!


About Child of Mind

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Family pic

About Us

Hi, my name is Isabela Granic. My husband (Marc Lewis) and I wrote Bed Timing: The “when-to” guide to helping your child to sleep. We both got our PhDs in developmental psychology — he’s a Professor at University of Toronto and I’m a research scientist at the Hosptial for Sick Children in Toronto. We’re also parents of 3-year old twin boys.  We wrote Bed Timing while trying to figure out the ins and outs of our own children’s sleep habits and how to ultimately change those crazy habits so that we could regain our sanity. This blog was first developed as a place to talk about the issues raised in Bed Timing, to highlight particular research findings that form the basis of the book and, most importantly, to provide readers a space to ask questions and trouble-shoot through their own sleep-training highs and lows. We’ve been on several call-in radio shows as part of the book promotion tour and my favorite part of this process has been connecting with real moms who are in the trenches, trying to solve their own young children’s sleep problems. I was hoping to do more of that through this blog.

After about 6 months of focusing on sleep issues in babies and toddlers, I decided to broaden the topics of the blog to any developmental questions and concerns that parents may have about their children. So… this “new and improved” blog is meant to cover almost any developmental topic: discipline, potty training, cognitive milestones, early friendships, literacy, aggression, early fears, school-readiness, separation distress and so on and so on.

Tracy's pic And I have a comrade in arms now to help me write and keep up with comments. Her name is Tracy Solomon. She too has a PhD in developmental psychology. Whereas my expertise are generally in social and emotional development, hers are in cognitive development. Read more about her here. Tracy has a 5-year-old son. He is a child of passionate interests and
some unusual abilities that really keep her on her toes. Tracy’s key
interests are in symbolic reasoning (for example, how children learn to understand different forms of media, from t.v., to videos and so on) and spatial reasoning (how children learn to navigate)
and also at the intersection of these; children’s comprehension of
maps, scale models, graphs, rulers etc. All of this is, of course,
related to more formal learning which is how she came to her current
research in early mathematics education. On top of all that, she’s basically incredibly knowledgeable about just about anything that’s related to how children think and how that thinking changes over time.

We’d like this online space to serve several functions:

(1) To provide a Q & A forum in which readers can send their parenting questions or questions about development that simply interest them. We’ll try to provide some advice, based on our developmental training (and some personal experience!).  Please, feel free to email us any questions you may have; we’ll try to get to as many as possible as quickly as possible. If you’re worried about something, there’s sure to be many, many other parents in the same boat. We’ll post questions and answers several times per week. 

(2) To highlight the latest research findings about children’s development on all sorts of topics — the latest neurscience studies, the latest work on school-readiness, and so on. Between the two of us, Tracy and I have tons and tons of research that we’ve compiled, summarized, and critiqued. We’d like to post relevant studies, articles, and new research findings on a weekly basis and have you comment about the usefulness and relevance of that material.

(3) To develop a supportive community for parents and caregivers that can help parents help each other through some of the most harrowing developmental challenges. The extent to which this goal will be realized is all about you.