I've been thinking about this week's challenge a lot, as I try to implement more constructive ways to express my anger to my children. And one of the things that keeps coming up for me is: How bad IS it really, to lose my cool, to lose my PhD and to just be, well, my Romanian mom to my own children? My mother was a yeller. When she was (or is) mad, she yelled in the most stereotypical "Latin" style. She was also one of the warmest, most affectionate and most supportive parents I know. I never for a moment doubted her love for me, her adoration, her over-the-top belief that I was the smartest, most beautiful, most perfect person in the world (she literally expressed these things daily). But if I messed up, she wailed at me. She freaked. She was known to go on some nutty tirade for hours before she finally calmed down. And she would never EVER use "I statements" or try to constructively problem-solve with me about whatever the problem happened to be (she would later, but not in these conflict moments). And she was even known to call me "lazy" or "insensitive" or "thoughtless" or other things that, indeed, attacked my personality or character. So how did I come out of that relationship with a reasonable sense of self-worth, confidence, and so on? How did I come to see her angry tirades as one of her personality flaws rather than something scary or damaging?
I realize this is starting to sound like I'm saying, "Hey, what's the big deal with all this anger?! My mom freaked out on me and I turned out alright. It must be fine to rage against your kids." But let me be clear that I'm NOT saying that. I think there are lots of good reasons to try to constructively communicate our anger without frightening and belittling our children. And believe me, I'm not into making a big huge argument on a case study of 1… particularly when that sample of 1 happens to be me. But I think I'm not the only one with this experience. So what I've been wondering is how our children are "protected from" or "resilient against" their parents' angry outbursts. I'm particularly interested in this because I think that a whole lot of us WILL lose it once in a while, despite our best intentions and our copious reading of parenting books and blogs. We'll lose it and then we'll wonder how much we are actually damaging our children.
I don't have a direct answer to this question, but here are some thoughts. First off, it may be that the more global family context (the general warmth, connection, and loving support that is just FELT or UNDERSTOOD among family members) is more important for long-term development than any single episode during which parents might screw up once in a while. There are a few studies that seem to suggest that this is true. Second, John Gottman's work with marital couples is interesting to think about in this context. He finds that the most successful marital interactions (i.e., the ones that don't end up in divorce) are the ones that maintain this "golden ratio" of 5:1 of positivity to negativity. In other words, he finds that couples who remain in their marriages for a long, long time (I can't remember the span, but I think his studies go out to 20 years at least) express five times the amount of positivity than they do negativity. The reason this is SO FREAKING interesting to me is that there are at least 3 types of relationships that can maintain this 5:1 balance and they are SO different: (1) the "validating" couple are the couples that talk a lot about their emotions, they share their fears and empathize a whole lot with each other and they have a relatively few negatives expressed daily, but not a lot, and still 5 times as many positives, (2) the "withdrawn" couple: they have almost NO negatives and relatively few positives, but again, the ratio of 5:1 holds, and (3) the "volatile" couple (count me in this group): these are couples that express a whole LOT of negativity, but a whole lot MORE positivity, again, 5:1 ratio.
So, what I'm thinking is that maybe that "golden ratio" holds with parent-child interactions too. Maybe if we screw up, lose our cool, rage in front of our kids or even TO our kids, maybe it's still relatively ok if we balance that with a boatload more positive stuff every day. I have no idea what the "golden ratio" would be for parenting… but I could see 5:1 being a good start. Of course, I want to believe this because I DO screw up and I will continue to do so, I suspect. But I also think about this because I really believe in the power of cutting ourselves some slack. I think that if we allow that we will sometimes lose our cool and that doesn't mean we're parenting failures, it will set up the conditions for us to more easily repair our interactions with our children. The alternative is often that we feel intensely guilty or frustrated or ashamed when we DO lose it. Equally likely is that we feel resentment towards our kids for "making us" rageful, mean, bad parents. And the intensity of these emotions can often make us feel stuck such that we can't flexibly move to a place where we can re-establish a connection with our kids. This all has to do with how important I think repair really is in our relationships with our kids. I'll address this more in the next parenting challenge.
Does this ring true for any of you?
My mom was not an out an out yeller but she did demand perfection. She also slapped (on occasion) and I remember one incident of eating some chilli pepper because I lied (i must have been 5 or 6) so I know she lost it at times. I can recall more than a few occasions of mean mommy times but i can remember many more happy times. She has also failed me in some big ways but at the end of the day I feel I emerged okay. I know I have needed help to get to this point but still for the most part I have always been a good kid and didn’t go beyond anything of the normal teenager “i hate my parents” phase.
With my kids I have yelled (much more than I ever thought i would). I have lost my cool way more than I ever wished. I have gone blind with rage also. (I swear my neighbors must think I am a loony) but while I work on that daily I know that i also give lots of love, and attention and respect to my kids. What I hate is when I yell and I see fear. I hate being that person.
I think losing it is going to happen. I think it’s what you do after what matters just as much. Do you cool off and go back and explain? Do you show how to take steps to prevent it form happening? Do you apologize? What do you do after to restore the balance – right now I am working on recognizing my triggers and trying to step back when that happens rather than plunge into what i call “crazy mode”.
Yes this makes a lot of sense to me, I think possibly in a cultural light.
I come from a southern European background where we do most things at high volume, with much handwaving and emotion – both the good and the bad. It’s rather frightened some quieter suitors.
Things tend to go to both extremes. As a teenager I really did hate my parents, but I also loved them so much that I had nightmares about them dying.
So yes, the idea of ratio certainly works for me.
Funny – my couple’s/parenting therapist just brought up Gottman’s 5 to 1 ratio last night. My partner and I separated last week after, among other things, a huge blow up in front of the kids that really made me question the effectiveness of the partnership and our co-parenting ability. I hate the yelling because it comes with such guilt. My mom was a sporadic, scary yeller – she was an alcoholic – I am not but I have a very hard time remembering I am not her and that she had so many other issues that I don’t have that I am not inflicting on my kids. So I don’t have that “healthy yelling” example to find comfort in. I’m really aiming for consistency. If I yell, I apologize, talk about the emotion and get right back to our normal loving, respectful way of being. But wow does it suck to have that anger modeled back to you by a two and a half year old!
5:1?? During rough periods with my 4-year old I aim for 1:1 AND feel like that is a high and lofty goal. He has gone through periods when he is trying out being “the Grump” (not very true to his character so he has to work hard at it) and everything has been met with I-don’t-want-tos and NOs and endless whining. Those days (weeks) I have been pepping myself into trying to make at least half the interactions positive – even if I sometimes have to cheat and tickle him. Having a cuddle and reading a book first thing in the morning doesn’t make the getting-dressed-tantrum, or choosing-what-to-have-for-breakfast-tantrum or getting-out-the-door-tantrum any smaller or easier, but you still have the cuddle in the morning and that IS nice. 5:1 you say… Well on good days maybe we can balance it out? Maybe it is more of a lifetime goal?
This rang very true for me, especially the part about feeling guilty after losing it and having a hard time re-establishing the connection. Before I was a parent I seriously thought I was a patient and calm person. At least, I was a patient and calm teacher. I’m learning a lot about myself, for good and bad. As we are now in the defiant toddler epoch in my house, I find that I have to approach each day with specific, measurable goals for myself with regard to what kind of mother I want to be and how I want to respond to her behaviors. It’s when she comes up with a new way to disobey and catches me off guard that I lose my cool.
My mom had epic yelling fits, and they also used spanking, so I’d say that I’m nothing like that. I have raised my voice in the midst of a bad day surrounded by whining. It obviously bothers E (and me), but I apologize and we all seem to move on.
Marriage wise, we rarely fight, which I’m thankful for, but wonder if it’s weird and in a really really strange way, E is missing out on seeing that side of mommy and daddy/relationships. I’d say we’re more like a 15:1 ratio. Can we be too happily married? Can that screw our kid up- amongst everything else we make up as we go along?
I don’t think I have ever yelled at Frances. I have sometimes said things I regret, but apologize immediately and claim full responsibility. And that has very, very rarely happened.
Then again, she is the world’s most easy-going child. What would I yell at her for? Being cute? She makes it very easy to get to that 5:1 ratio.
But I think you are spot-on. The fact is that both my parents were atrocious. (I have professional opinions backing me up on that one.) My father lost his temper all the time. Screaming, yelling, names, throwing things, threats of abandonment to foster homes, you name it, he did it. But he’d apologize and this all occured in the context of some kind of affection, so even though it had a huge impact, I have a relationship with my father today that is difficult but it exists. My mom? Much less yelling. But there was no affection, and no apologies or responsibility for, among other things, telling me she wished I’d never been born, blaming me for her marital problems, and so on. The first time she told me she loved me I was 22 and so shocked I didn’t know what to say. Unsurprisingly, today we do not have a relationship.
I wouldn’t have put it in the context of a 5:1 ratio before but I would have said that yelling is a lot less destructive to a parenting relationship than a lack of affection.
The idea that you’re OK as long as the good far outweighs the bad seems right to me on an intuitive level- surely the human species would have died out ages ago if we were so fragile that a few episodes of being yelled at by our parents would ruin us. Kids are frustrating. When frustrated, people yell…..
The 5:1 ratio idea is making me think about both my parenting relationships and my marriage. I think (hope?) I hit that ratio!
If I remember correctly, Gottman actully finds that it is the 5:1 ratio that works. Not 6:1, or 15:1, for example. There actually needs to be some negative for a realtionship to be healthy. I don’t know if we make the magice 5:1 ratio, but I can tell you that hubby and I are in the volatile category so lots of passion, both ways.
If I can classify my relationship with my parents, I would say my mum and I were a ‘withdrawn’ couple. Not a lot of affection, but not much fighting or arguing either. We have a fairly good relationship now, but live on the opposite side of the world from each other! With dad it was very ‘volatile’, so lots of affection making up for what was missing from my relationship with my mum. We do not get on much now. Too much arguing, classhing on too many points of view.
I think the ratio idea is interesting.
I do have to say that the amount of negative, and the context, are important. With my mom, there was a good ratio, probably something like 10:1. With my dad, it might have been 2:1 but it was not only the lack of positives that bothered me, it was the unpredictability and irrational nature of a lot of those incidents of temper.
I think I have plenty of positive interaction with my kiddo – I’m proud that despite being a quiet, serious introvert for the most part, I give her plenty of silliness and hugs and tickles and giggles. However, this make-believe extrovertedness wears me out, and my husband is the one who gets short shrift. Fortunately we do get kid-free weekends sometimes to reconnect!
Great discussion – I’m a big fan of Gottman’s research. Amen to what @Paola said about there needing to be some negative in order to be healthy. When we are our authentic selves, there are both negative and positive elements. I agree this definitely applies to parent-child relationships. After all, our choice of life partners as adults is very much linked to our past childhood relationships with our parents – and if we dig deep enough, they are usually a continuation of the same themes (Harville Hendrix has written a lot about this concept.)
To Isabel’s question of “why aren’t all of us who were raised by rageaholics/parents with rage issues royally effed up? (i’m obviously paraphrasing)” – perhaps it comes down to nurture vs. nature? Pop culture? I recall watching the character of Mrs. Walsh on ’90210′ and thinking wow – I wish my mom were more like her. The influence of peers beginning in adolescence? I like @Cloud’s take on it about the survival of the human species.
Oops, I meant Isabela! (The name Isabel above your picture confused me.)
I’m going to quote from that post you did about parenting flexibility, “Healthy family often got angry, it’s not that they never showed negative stuff at all, it’s just that they shifted in and out of these emotional states as their context changed.”
I had a big aha moment when I read that post, mainly because of the statement I quoted above. My dad could be volitile, but also he was quick to get over whatever bad mood he was in. Add to that his positiveness which outweighed his negativeness and his unconditional love, affection and support… and well, maybe you see why I have such a good relationship with him even though he went through times when he was a real @ss when I was young. Though not abusive, he had a very stressful job and didn’t always leave it at work. He would be tense and yell and even through things (though not at anyone). I’ve often wondered how I (and my siblings) turned out so well and all still have a very close and happy relationship with my parents. Now, I think I’m understanding it.
I just don’t really have a problem getting mad in front of my kids. In fact, just yesterday and again this morning, I made a point of letting my almost 3 year old know that I was very mad. I was very upset by her behavoir and because she was not listening to me. But just like my parents, I don’t stay mad. I have no problem letting go of the anger and not feeling guilty about it, because I WANT her to see that people get mad and then get over it and move on.
As with all things, I simply try to model the human behavoir that I think is acceptable. We all get angry, and we can let that anger out. But we shouldn’t hit or say mean things. And we shouldn’t stay mad and let it fester. That’s what I try to model. As well as having more positive than negative, because that’s so important too.
@mom2boys – I’m sorry to hear you have split with your partner! Feel free to email me if you want to talk about anything or need any support!
@caramama – Thank you!