OK, first off, we're on with the parenting challenge thingy! If you don't know what I'm talking about, read my last post
and join us! I think it would probably work best if I post a
description of a parenting approach/discipline method every Monday (and
you can forgive me if I mess up and sometimes post on Tuesday,
especially on long weekends and such). Then we'll all have that week to
try something new with our kids. Throughout the week, you all can come
back to that Monday post and leave comments about how things are going,
questions about the approach, or rants about how sucky it all went and
who the hell do I think I am ruining your family life. I'm going to do
my best to take a more gist-like approach: I'll describe a method and
then give you my take on how it might be adapted to different ages
and/or different scenarios. I'll also try to supplement the description
of the method with some empirical studies or reviews of research that
provide some support for these various methods, either in the same post
or subsequent ones during the week. And I just want to be very clear:
many of these "approaches" are going to be RIDICULOUSLY simple things
that may seem TOO simplistic. The idea isn't going to be that any ONE
of these approaches are going to help you with EVERY one of your
discipline or parenting challenges. They'll just be one more little
tool you can add to your parenting toolbox (ugh… can that metaphor
be any more overused? Sorry, but I'm too brain dead to come up with
something more witty).
Now, on to today's topic: Flexibility. A few of you asked to talk
more about this idea. Given it's one of my main areas of research,
goodness knows I can ramble on and on about this topic. It CONSUMES me.
I've studied a bunch of parent-child relationships, both "healthy" ones and those that were in some serious trouble. For the latter group, I've worked with agencies that provide interventions for families with children who have "clinically-elevated" levels of aggression and depression (with a large does of anxiety as well). As part of my work (a review is in this paper), I've tried to identify the differences between these more healthy parent-child relationships and the ones that are more distressed. One of the most ubiquitous findings that keeps coming up, over and over, is the importance of flexibility in parent-child relationships. My thinking started way back, on the more theoretical level, thinking about evolutionary advantage. In much of evolutionary theory and, in particular, evolutionary psychology, organisms are considered optimally healthy when they can readily adapt to changes in their environmental context. Similarly (and with a whole lot more academic arm-waving), we can think of interpersonal interactions as being optimally functioning when they are flexible or able to adjust to any new challenge that might arise. In contrast, when relationships or interaction patterns are "rigid" or repeated no matter what the context might throw at them, problems seem to come up.
So how on earth would you test such an assumption? I've run a few studies that have looked at flexibility (both in parent-child and peer relationships). There's a few ways we've looked at this, but one is to look at troubled parent-child relationships and look at the parent-child interaction patterns that have developed over time. We've observed (literally, videotaped) hundreds of parents and their healthy or more troubled children interacting with each other while they engaged in different types of activities (for example, they are asked to play some board games, try to problem-solve a conflict they identified, clean up a mess, share a snack and so on). 
In one study, we videotaped these interactions and found that children with elevated levels of aggression, depression and anxiety are indeed more rigid in their interaction patterns with their parents. I'll spare you the analytic models we ran and skip to the gist of the findings: Instead of expressing many kinds of emotions, and controlling those emotions when the situational demands changed, aggressive and depressed/anxious children and their parents remained stuck in one or very few emotional states. For example, it was common for families to become angry in the problem-solving interaction and then remain angry when asked to change activities (for instance, play a game). BUT! it was just as common for these families to show neutral or closed emotional states across all activities. Healthy family often got angry, it's not that they never showed negative stuff at all, it's just that they shifted in and out of these emotional states as their context changed. The inability to experience a range of emotional states as the context shifted was the strongest predictor of future problematic behaviour, more so than just how much negativity parents or children shared with each other (the predictions, in one study, went from 4.5 years old to about 6 years old).
Why would it be important for a child’s healthy development that family members display a variety of emotional states with one another? We might expect that a task such as conflict-resolution would produce anger and frustration in most families. Playing a game or sharing a snack are more likely to elicit positive emotions. Sometimes it's appropriate to be anxious and hesitant, other times to be excited and spontaneous. My growing thoughts about these data are that, without the opportunity to experience a range of emotional states in family interactions, children don't get to develop an adequate ability to regulate (i.e., adjust, control) their emotions. They become entrenched in particular emotional habits that feel inevitable, and they lack the skills for shifting from one state to another when it might be advantageous to do so.
I can go on and on (oh! I will, in another post, because I have some cool intervention data that shows that when families are benefiting from treatment, they're becoming MORE FLEXIBLE. Yes, yes, I am indeed a little tickled by those findings. But I'll shut up now). And I can include a trillion caveats to this research including that these findings may not hold for all cultures, all age groups, different socio-economic backgrounds, and so on. But to tell you the truth, I actually think flexibility in parent-child interactions / relationships IS crucial across all these domains… I just don't have the data.
So I'll leave it at that for now, since I've rattled on enough, and I'll ask you what you think… Do you think that flexibility, rather than the altogether lack of negativity (anger, sadness), is as important as I do? Are there cases in which you think it isn't so important? Does this ring true for you? How about the way you were parented… would you characterize your childhood relationship with your parents as "flexible?"
Oh my. This hits very close to home. I was just this weekend discussing with my husband that one of the things that happens when I get too sleep deprived is that I get very rigid and can’t think on my feet and adapt to the actual situation. I parent the situation I last got stuck in. Trying to be consistent, but ending up being (ta da!) inflexible. And the results are of course not good… Tantrum city! The solution for me is to take care of myself and, waiting for that to be a realistic option, coffee. The question is: can you fake flexibility? Can I convince my sleep deprived self that my consistent method is one of flexibility?
@Mia: Oh wow, there are some real quotable thoughts in your comment. “I parent the situation I last go stuck it”: freaking BANG ON. If I ever write another book, I’m going to have to ask you for permission to use that. It sums up exactly the situation. You’re dead right; one of the first things that suffers when we’re sleep-deprived is the ability to problem-solve flexibly (there’s lots of cognitive studies on that, btw). But the other little gem in your comment was your question about faking flexibility. And I think that’s exactly what we can do, until we can do it “really truly.” That’s part of what made me think of trying little parenting strategies out from various books, on a really small scale. Because if you have to take on a whole new parenting philosophy or read a whole damn book when you’re on 3 hours of sleep, that’s just CRAZY. But if you just have to read one paragraph and think of one little game or gimmick or trick to play with your kid, that MIGHT help, it may be a lot easier… or at least that’s the thought…
I think you’re right–never having any negative feelings is a fantasy, and it leaves kids completely unequipped for dealing with their own negative feelings (which they are going to have, after all), and kids aren’t stupid. They can tell when we’re upset even if we plaster a grin on our faces. So being able to be genuine about all our feelings (of course without leaning on our kids for emotional support or overwhelming them with problems they’re not capable of solving) seems key. Walking that line, though, is a trick.
I have seen this play out in real life many, many times, and in ways that are not blog-comment-appropriate. So I will nod vigorously and silently.
I like this post, especially the bit about kids (and parents)being able to express a range of emotions. I think it fits more with my parenting philosophy to allow my toddler to get mad or sad and have her come out on the other side of those emotions and be OK. Sometimes she needs help and sometimes she just comes around on her own. I recently did some reading that was emphasizing how important this is for young children. Also, the idea that temper tantrums can be a healthy way to experience dire sadness or anger as well as the recovery from these powerful emotions. In terms of our own behaviour, my spouse believes that kids should see their parents expressing real emotions and having human reactions and responses to life situations rather than avoiding negativity at all costs. Final comment, I once attended a professional workshop on “trauma and homelessness”. The speaker noted how individuals who have had very sheltered or protected childhoods and who have not experienced disappointment in their early life were at much higher risk of having an extreme/debilitating psychological response to any kind of trauma as adults. Does this fit with what you’re talking about or is it too much of a leap?
@Mia- I sure hope that it works to fake flexibility, because that is exactly what I have to do sometimes. The parenting book that has most helped me fake flexibility (and actually grow to be more flexible in actuality) is Playful Parenting. During my most sleep-deprived or stressed out time my single “flexible” response (as opposed to the “just do what I say, dammit” method that doesn’t usually work) is to try to turn whatever I want my daughter to do into a game. That automatically forces me to at least pretend not to be angry or frustrated any more.
I really like this post, too. For me, it resonates with my desire to model “healthy” emotional responses to my daughters. My hope is that if I can show them that it is OK to be angry/sad/whatever, and more importantly, how to deal with it and get over those emotions, then they will somehow pick up those skills, too.
We give our kids the whoooooooole range of emotions here in our house. My hubby is your typical passionate Italian who gets pissed off fast and then calms down wanting hugs and kisses a second later.
I was always wary of arguing with hubby in front of my children in case it would traumatise them for life till I read what Gottman had to say on the subject ( in ‘raising and emotionally intelligent child’). Basically if you show you have resolved your fight and are ‘friends’ again with some kind of sign of resoltuion , a kiss a hug, it is actully very positive for children to see. The times we have argued in front of the kids, I have seen them literally holding their breath wondering what was going on. The moment we kiss and make up, they release it and go back to doing what they were doing before.
In the end we are modeling healthy emotions (anger, frustration) and demonstrating how we get over them ( talk, perhaps heatedly, but get the issues off our chests rather than hide them away). Well, that’s what I tell myself anyway.
So I have been meditating on this during the night (whilst caring for two congested kids!) and I have been thinking that there is a balancing act between flexibility on one hand and on stamina and consistency on the other when it comes to caring for our young. We need to be able to (with flexibility) move between these polarities in responding to our children’s various needs and stages. A colicy baby needs stamina. Trying to change an unwanted behaviour by implementing a consequence needs us to stay with the plan and not just move on to the next thing and mood and so on. Why we need flexibility I don’t really need to explain after this post.
The thing I tend to drop first when under stress and sleep deprivation is flexibility. Maybe this is not such a bad thing? At least compared to dropping any of the other traits? (See, I am all for embracing my psychological defences when I can get away with it!) Stamina and consistency (patience) will get us all safely through stressful, rough spots until I can regain my flexibility and we can get on with actually learning something emotionally useful. Or something along those lines…
My husband and I try really hard not to insist that our children fake being happy. Both my parents and his (who were overall great parents) made (and even occaisionally to this day make) the mistake of suggesting that if we are unhappy that we are somehow not being our real selves. My husband as a child remembers feeling sad and his dad saying “Give me that Tommy-smile, son.” Years ago, when I was recovering from grieving a miscarriage, my mother said, “It’s so nice to have our Joanie back.” The implication seemed to be that when I was sad, I was not myself. I now know how hard it can be to see my children hurting, but hurting is part of life and covering up hurt rather than expressing it, has a cost. I want my children to be able to have a range of emotions, show these, and be able to recover. Then again my Mom has a serious illness and denial seems to work super well for my parents!
When I was a kid, my parents were flexible about some things, but I did feel a lot of pressure to suppress negative emotions: “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” “Calm down NOW or you’ll have to stand in the corner.”
I hope to teach my daughter that she can’t always have what she wants, but it’s okay to be angry/sad about it as long as she expresses those emotions without harming anyone including herself. So far, she’s pretty good about that, so I think it’s working out okay.
@Irene
My dad could not stand to see me crying when I was a kid and so I would have to suck up the tears or run to my bedroom to cry. I remember he once caught me crying in my room and told me off ( I was probably 10) and I could see he was holding back from actually laughing thinking it was fun or a joke. To this day I find crying embarassing, unless it’s becasue something is hysterically funny. I am married to a cryer who has helped me realised that if a man can show his emotions and not be embarassed about shedding tears, why should I.
I wonder sometimes if this dislike of crying might be a generational or cultural (Italian)thing as my MIL also hates it when my kids cry and has often told them they are ‘ugly’ when they cry. This pisses me off no end and I have to reprimand my MIL and tell my kids they can cry all they want, that it is not ugly or bad but natural.
Skipping ahead to comment on the temper tantrum stuff – I agree that sometimes it’s the most authentic way a child can communicate how he’s feeling. Sometimes I kind of just let him go until he runs out of steam. By trying to stop it, or fix it I think I’m interfering with his natural ability to calm himself down. Of course, I only exit a tantrum after I’ve talked to him (over his yelling of course) about options, choices, etc. and one of the choices is always “You can keep being mad until you don’t feel mad anymore”. He usually picks this one. So I go off to do things I need to do. He will slam his bedroom door and yell in there for a while and then will ultimately quiet down. Then I go in and we talk about it. He uses his words, I tell him how much easier it is to help him or understand his feelings when he uses his words, etc.
I sometimes feel guilty though because often it feels like I just walk away from him when he tantrums and I worry he will feel like I abandon him when he does this or when he has any kind of strong emotions. But I DO make an effort to talk first, then walk, and I ALWAYS come back with hugs and kisses. So I guess it’s not that bad.
Holy moley! A huge part of my world just fell into place while reading this post. Wow and thanks!
Also, I’m with the others who feel totally less flexible when tired and having a rough morning (like this morning when I yelled at my daughter-but then apologized!). Like @Cloud, I try to get myself into playful parent mode to get through those times (big fail on that this morning, though).
@paola – Great point about fighting with spouse in front of the kids. I also think how you fight and what you say (and don’t say) when you argue is important, as well as the making up and moving on.
Wow! This is interesting. Some other parents have told me that I’m inflexible. But, I think their definition of flexible and mine are different. I am crazy about sleep (and trying to get my 13 month old to sleep), so I stick to a pretty defined bedtime and routine. I also make sure he naps at the same time every day. Other parents have told me that I’m too rigid. I disagree and feel that consistency and routine are important for good sleep. Especially for a toddler that has never been a good sleeper. I think I’m pretty flexible / playful in other areas though. I’d be interested to understand your definition of flexibility since I think people differ so much on what it means to be flexible. Is it being able to transition to different emotional states or something more?
I’m interested in finding out how the studies defined healthy and troubled families?
@Yona: Yes, your thoughts are very resonant with how I think of the benefits of emotional flexibility. Our ability as parents to provide a safe context through which we and our children can express a whole range of emotions, and work through those emotions, to some level of resolution, is a key part of preparing them for stresses and challenges later on. That’s what I’ve been thinking…
@paola: i love the way gottman talks about those issues, and emotional socialization with children. What you mention with your husband is what I want to get much more into: the importance of repair. The importance of modeling, doing with our own children, encouraging our children to do it with us, with their siblings and with friends. And I think it’s a key part of how I think about flexibility in general. My husband and I are the “volatile” couples Gottman talks about — high emotion, on both ends of the scale, but we try our darndest to repair well and often.
@Mia: SUCH good points about the importance of finding a balance between CONSISTENCY on the one hand (which is what I think @Tina is talking about in her comment) and emotional flexibility. Both have their important places… And I think you’re right, that if you just CAN’T be flexible at some points (for lots of good reasons, including sleep deprivation, but also having your own disappointments in life that pull your emotional focus, etc.), then being consistent is KEY. And this is so important because children need us to be PREDICTABLE in some key ways, so that they’re not scared or anxiously trying to guess where our next freak out will come. I think if we get consistently angry, for example, every time our kid throws food on the floor, I don’t think we’re doing much damage. But if our anger comes out of nowhere, and comes unpredictably, in response to things that sometimes we’re cool with and sometimes we’re not, then I think it’s a lot more tough for kids to process our anger and to figure out boundaries and such. Ok, this is another post that should be written…
@Joan, @Irene, @paola: I totally hear you. My father STILL is surprised when I tell him i have depressive tendencies. He’s convinced I’m the most jovial being on the planet. Partly my fault for hiding it so long, to please him, partly his fault for accepting my “good” side much more than my “bad.” Actually, I don’t think about it as fault. It’s simply what he learned through his own upbringing.
@Julie: There’s a post a while back where I suggested that actually walking away from a tantruming child might HELP him because when you are right in his face still, his source of frustration remains RIGHT THERE. Giving kids a chance to calm down, while you’re still in earshot so they don’t feel you have completely abandoned them, is probably a good strategy. In short, no guilt necessary, I think.
@caramama: SO glad this resonated with you. And I CONSTANTLY have big fails with the flexibility — it’s directly related to how stressed I feel from being overworked, overtired, and GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY about everything. I figure as long as we get back up and try again, that’s what our kids will ultimately remember. And I’ve started to apologize, light-heartedly, when I’m just being grumpy from no fault of theirs. We all seem to breathe a sigh of relief when my grumpiness is openly acknowledged, instead of me trying to suppress it and the boys trying to figure out what the hell my problem is.
@Tina: see comment above to Mia. I was HUGELY “rigid” about the boys’ nap and bed times; partly to do with the necessity when I had TWO at the same time and partly to do with my own feeling of efficacy and calm when things were running smoothly. This consistency, in turn, is what I think helps us stay EMOTIONALLY flexible when it’s needed.
@Penny: In the studies that I ran, in some we assess parents and children’s level of distress through clinical interviews and questionnaires. Some of the samples I work with are from the “community” in that they are not seeking treatment for any serious issues. In the other studies I run, I work community mental health agencies and in that setting, there are families that are referred for intervention/treatment for problems with anger and aggression. So… it’s recognized by all concerned that they are “troubled” and would like help. “Healthy” is simply defined as families that DON’T score high on these clinical measures of distress (for example, depression, anxiety, aggression). That doesn’t mean that all families don’t have challenges, stresses, and feel “troubled” sometimes. But for these types of studies, it’s just a straight comparison with “clinically elevated” levels of distress and “nonclinical” levels. Of course, these things run on a continuum often.
I think flexibility and range in emotional response is really important. Just from a personal perspective, this is a huge one for us. It’s been challenging for the adults in this house to look at how we emotionally respond to things and why and whether this is how we want to continue to be.
@Paola, our son has certainly seen our arguments and their resolutions too. I’m hoping it teaches him something about the reality of relationships and how complex they are. And I’m so in awe of the fact that you can stand up to your MIL when she says that crying is ugly. I have trouble standing up to my mother on this. She is very much of the stiff-upper-lip school of thinking.
@Flo
It has taken me 7 years to learn how to deal with my MIL. She is clinically depressed and suffers from a cleaning related OCD and so you have to be careful not to send her into a tailspin. We also share a house with her ( one house divided into two apartments)so we have a lot to do with each other. When my MIL is out of line my gut reaction would be to tell her where to go or tell her she can’t see the kids, but this is just not feasible for the above reasons. So, I have learn that I have the right to tell her that certain behaviour is not appropriate but over the years have learnt to do it in a repectful way (something that beleive me has taken a loooooooooot of practice over the years).