I've been thinking about how we can all learn more from each other: How we can share what we've read and what we've tried with our kids that's worked. And I've also been very aware of how helpful reviewing all those discipline books (and many others I didn't include in that last post) has been to my OWN parenting challenges this week. Having to go back to some of those books and review my dog-eared pages was fabulous for getting me thinking about new ways to approach recurring discipline episodes with my boys (it's also made me realize that I didn't tell you the stuff I DIDN'T like about those listed books… I'm rather critical when it comes to parenting books, so you can imagine that providing you with those balanced reviews would have taken me another 5 pages). I've actually had one of the best weeks in months with my boys, largely because I've been more conscientiously applying various approaches that I've forgotten about or simply not tuned into.
I think one of the best things we can do as parents is to try to remain FLEXIBLE. I've written a couple of dry-as-sand academic articles about the social and emotional benefits to children of flexible parenting. By flexible, I mean the ability to use a whole lot of different solutions to the same discipline problem, the ability to express a range of emotions (both good and bad), without becoming stuck in one emotional state for too long, and the ability to repair interactions when things get ugly. I want to write a whole lot more about this issue of repair, and how important I think it is for parent-child relationships (and healthy development in general). I've been studying the benefits of "repair" in family interactions for almost a decade and I think it's so critical.
But back to the more general idea of flexible parenting: One way to try to become more flexible as parents is to simply add parenting tools (with some evidence of efficacy) to our toolbox. This flexibility will manifest differently for different parents, depending on what you already do, the extent to which you're happy with what's working and you're unhappy with what's not, the age of your child (of course!), and so on.
So here's my question/challenge: Would you all be interested in reading blog posts about, and TRYING, some different parenting techniques or discipline strategies (from the books I've already reviewed) and then reporting back on your results? The way this could work is that I could post a description of some little method or a more general approach or mindset that's advocated in one of the 10 books I listed in my last post. Then we can all try to implement the approach in the following few days and report back in the comments about how great or how completely hopeless that particular technique proved to be. This would almost be like our own little study (biased to high-hell, but still…), especially if you all were willing to give a little information about your child's age and explain the reasons for your success or lack thereof. Of course, certain approaches are going to work better than others for certain issues, different ages, different parents with various parenting philosophies, etc. But I think we could all learn something new and maybe even have some fun with this, if there's lots of participation. I would be FULLY into participating myself, of course.
Extra bonus: You won't feel like you have to go out and buy a bunch of books — I'll make sure to give you a smattering of approaches from a bunch of authors.
What do you think? Thoughts on how to make this work? Is this just a lame idea?
Yes! Absolutely. Sign me up.
I’ve already bought (two of) the books but this sounds like a great way to hear about and try out a couple of things.
I’m somewhat interested in that idea, but I figure that “your mileage may vary” is so standard that it’s good to get an overview of different strategies, not so useful to get too in-depth on any one discipline strategy.
What I’d love to hear more about is the research on various parenting styles and strategies – is there scientific evidence that some are better than others in various ways?
Also, I’d like to hear more about flexibility and repair.
What a great idea! I’m totally in.
absolutely! I’ve read John Gottman on repairing in spousal relationships and my husband and I have really put that word already into our vocab. What a wonderful way to see parent/child interactions as well. My husband and I recently went back to the John Gottman book in response to a battle in a childrearing issue and being able to talk about how we were locked in really made the difference that we were able to talk through.
Also wanted to add, what a great idea. My husband and I searched and searched for a middle ground to sleep training between cry it out and co-sleeping and we were astonished to find there are not a lot of experts in the middle, although I would say most parents are in the middle–take a little from this perspective, a little from this perspective. It is sometimes hard to muddle through the “experts” in order to come to some middle ground.
GEEZ, you women are some freaking well-read people!
@Andrea: Yeah! And you clearly have not been able to stop your booky-buying craziness. You and me both…
@Irene: I can SO give you that research. THere’s a boatload of data on parenting styles and what works generally best (with lots of caveats about culture and such). I won’t be doing the parenting challenge ONLY, I should clarify. I’ll still intersperse with different topics.
@Miranda: YEAH!
@Shelby: Um, you got the whole idea basically. My entire career has basically been about using Gottman as a cheat sheet: I take his ideas about marital relationships and tweek them so that I can apply them to parent-child relationships. The stuff about repair comes directly from him and from this cool Dutch primate researcher, Frans de Waal. And, yeah, I’m all about muddling my way through the middle.
LOL, I went to Emory University in Atlanta, where de Waal works. I didn’t get lucky enough to take a class from him (he works at Yerkes, which is kind of adjunct to Emory), but i was a psych major there.
I’ll be totally honest, I’m very excited about this idea! But I’m also a little skeptical. I’ve discovered that I’m not very good at taking what I read/learn/hear and applying it. Not sure if it’s my issue with fitting the “lesson” into the issues I’m having with my daughter? Or maybe I’m just scatter-brained and forget to try the lessons when I’m in the heat of the moment?
What I’m trying to say is, Yes yes yes I’m in! But hopefully I can actually be a helpful voice and able to actually participate in the trials…
Love your idea. Can’t wait to get started.
Count me in… ina maybe flakey “just went back to work fulltime” sort of way. Friday is the last day of the part-time period at the end of my maternity leave!
@Irene- one of my favorite books, “What’s Going on in There” has a very short section on the research on discipline methods, and if I remember correctly, the method that GENERALLY worked best was termed “authoritative”, which was something like setting limits but working with the child. I think the other options were “authoritarian” (parent sets limits and that’s it) and some nicer way of saying “anything goes”.
I’d love to read more about this, though (hint, hint).
sounds awesome! I’m in.
Count me in too.
I have been thinking a lot about the previous parenting challenges post and i think I have a challenge that isn’t so much covered in this challenge but seems like it’s related to the overall idea of flexible parenting and the influence of PARENT emotion and temperment. While my children (20 months, 3.5, and one due in August) have a variety of challenging behaviors, I think that my biggest parenting challenge is working around my own tempermental limitations. In specific, I get overstimulated somewhat easily and my children are both in high touch, high language and just generally needy stages. I am trying to learn how to balance my need for a few minutes of space and quiet with the reality of parenting a toddler and preschooler and also how to temper my responses when their natural exuberance is beginning to show it’s strain on me. While thing like authoritarian vs permissive parenting are very important, it seems like it’s equally important to know how some of your more general personality traits influence your parenting.
Count me in. I love this idea and hope to learn and contribute as much as possible. I find that seeing other parents in action / talking with other parents is the best way to get new ideas. I don’t have any time to read the books – although I’d love to.
@Erika: I kind of get where you’re coming from. I often have a hard time applying stuff if I’m reading a whole book on something. So, I’ve found that reading little chunks really works for me. I’m hoping that this exercise will be like that generally — just little bits of information that won’t overwhelm people and will feel like more of a fun exercise rather than a chore. And if some may not feel “fun” exactly, at least it will feel like something ELSE (my problem is I get stuck with one way of doing something and I repeat it over and over, even if it’s stopped working long ago).
@Cloud: Flaky’s fine! And this shouldn’t feel like an ADDED burden (ESPECIALLY if you’re JUST going back to work… eeh gad, good luck with that transition). I’m hoping it’ll actually make us feel LESS stressed, by lightening the reading load and having just little bites to chew on.
@Becky: GREAT point. Really. The parent-child match is so often talked about in developmental psych. in terms of the infant-mother match of temperaments. Much less is talked about in later years, but I think it’s SO important. There’s so much in your question because it’s not only about the personality matches, but also allowing ourselves some space for ourselves, guilt-free. Your kids are at really tough ages (although wonderful also, of course) and also being pregnant while juggling needy kids is so tough. I’ve been planning on having a week devoted to things we can do for OURSELVES and reviewing some research on the importance of taking care of ourselves, not only for the child’s own later health and wellbeing (which there’s good evidence for), but also for our OWN good (the adult: individual, the wife, husband, partner, friend, lover, etc…).
sounds great – let’s do it!
I’m in…but in a sleep-deprived and anxious sort of way.
I’ve complained before about how E has clearly outgrown my parenting skills and that I really need to acquire/reintroduce/refresh my current stash of tools. And to prove my point, today he started biting. Yeah. BITING!
I’m going downstairs to grab my stack of books, which is about 80% duplicative of Isabel’s. And I’m going to think and think and think about this, so that I don’t have to think about other things.
@nej- when we went through a biting phase, “playing it out” was the thing that helped the most. We’d play out the scenario with her stuffed animals. The book “Teeth are not for biting” also helped.
@Becky- one of my favorite parts of the Kucinka book on raising a spirited child is the bit where she talks about how to handle your own personality as a parent. After all, there is a genetic component to personality, so a spirited child probably has at least one spirited parent….
I’m in!