It might be the relatively low ebb I've been operating on the last two weeks, the fact that – after a relatively snow-free (yes, I am in Canada) winter – I came to work in slushy armageddon this morning, that the last few pounds have turned into the last several pounds, the planning now for activities in August when I can hardly even imagine what we'll look like by then…I don't know. But I need a break! Levity please, enter stage right.
I was truly heartened to hear readers owning up to a mix of parenting styles and, better yet, to how comfortable many of you sound with the parenting you are STRIVING for. That's key isn't it? Take the self-judgement and blame out of it. Do your best, adjust as needed and then just accept the kind of parent you are (are still becoming).
I am a working Mom. Do I do my best? I try to. My style – strong authoratative flavour with a pinch of permissiveness, garnished with authoritarianism. Hey, we have places to get to on a schedule. I cannot use every "putting on coat" opportunity as a teaching point. It just isn't going to happen.
I yell. Oh how I yell. Not often, but when I have to. I don't say anything demeaning or humiliating, I don't shame. It's not about my child's character. It's about his behaviour. Period. We get past it. I am sensitive enough to notice that I am not crossing his emotional boundaries – you know how you can sometimes see someone's face fall when they've just heard something hurtful? I think I've have managed to avoid that.
I'd say we generally get along really well. He's pretty reasonable, I try to accomodate with an eye toward safety, good health, progress in education and long-term social and emotional well-being. The rest is me – flawed, human. I sincerely hope he is learning something from that too. I certainly wouldn't trade being a parent for anything – anything.
What I am really trying to say with this ramble…is thanks for making me feel so much better today. Seriously. When readers write comments that shows "hey, I'm doing my best, I've taken some lessons from my own childhood, I make mistakes, but I am giving it my best effort and I'm okay with it" (all far better expressed than I've just summarized here), it actually makes me feel relieved. There is a connection in that I find very reassuring. It's the reason you should get out of the house when you have a new baby and go join that play group. The other moms may or may not become your friends, even best friends, but they are like you. It isn't all rosy all the time but you can make peace with that and still enjoy the whole thing.
Some may let the house (or their hair) go when things get overwhelming. Be of no doubt that those things happen to me to. But when I feel overwhelmed, I need levity. I need to see the lighter side of the whole parenting/homemaking process. Call it a salve for my winter-beleaguered soul. This somehow allows me to tolerate leaving the upside down house with what my mother would call "a rats nest" for hair (I've got a lot of wavy/curly stuff) in the knowledge that it will eventually not always be this way.
So with warning that it could just be my mood that's causing me to see the humour in this stuff, here's a bit of levity to get you through…
Scroll down and read "Patience of a Saint".
And this one…hope he isn't getting a stomach ache, oh and this!
Have a great weekend.
–Tracy
I think my generation is very comfortable with parenting styles; it’s our parents (mine just hit 65) and grandparents who judge us and say we’re too permissive because we’re not hitting with wooden spoons. I’m kind of joking, but not as well.
I have accepted long ago that older generations parented before research in child development occurred (my grandmother is 89 and had four children), so they just weren’t informed about the long-term effects of constant shaming, for example. It’s a cultural thing, too. Shame is a big thing for my culture.
I’m glad the comments on yesterday’s post made you feel better. It helps me to read posts from bona fide experts who also struggle to apply the research in real life! Thank you so much for this blog.
I detected a note of guilt about being a working mom. Are you familiar with Sara Hrdy’s book “Mothers and Others”? It is on my “to read when I get a chance to read again” list. She argues that humans are cooperative breeders- i.e., that human mothers have always turned to the wider community for help in rearing children. I wrote up a blog post about a review of it that I read, because it made me (an already pretty happy working mom) feel a lot better. I’ll post a link here in case you’re interested. Pardon the shameless self-promotion:
http://wandsci.blogspot.com/2009/07/this-should-make-you-feel-better-about.html
@Jennifer: Yup, shame is big in my culture of origin too. It’s a freaking miracle we came out even remotely functional…
@Cloud: You’re very welcome. And, yeah, you’ll repeatedly find that Tracy and I are often struggling through the same issues everyone else is. Just because you’ve read the books, doesn’t mean you’ll always use them in the trenches… Nevermind that the books and research are often contradictory and open to interpretation. Also? Self-promote away! You always have such great insights. And I’m on Amazon right now ordering the book. It’s going to cost a whole lot less than all the therapy I’ll need after carrying this load of guilt around. Thanks!
It seems that shame is a major source of control in many Asian cultures and that Asian children are more academically and professional in the US. Does the research on the negatives of shaming hold up for Asian kids? Is there another factor going on (I’ll hypothesize high levels of two parent families) that dominates the negatives of shaming?