So, at the tail-end of this week's Parenting Challenge, I've noticed two interesting trends in the emails/comments I've received: (1) Many of us don't know where to start when it comes to taking care of ourselves and (2) A lot of us don't so much want "me" time as we want quality "us" time with our partner (AWAY from the kids).
To address the first issue, I wondered if we could all contribute one or two ideas for those parents out there so sleep-deprived and stressed that they can't even begin to THINK about what might make them feel just a little bit happier. If you're one of those parents lucky enough to have figured out how to balance (well, ok, at least CONSIDER) your own needs, what do you do to feel good? We could all use a little inspiration. And let's take stuff like exercise and taking vitamins OFF this list for now. These things often trigger too much guilt for those of us <cough>LIKE ME<cough> who can't get our butts out to the gym or remember to get to the health food store. What makes you feel lighter, happier, taken care of, centered? Even for just a very short while?
I'll go first: (1) dropping my kids at preschool and then hightailing it to the local French cafe ALONE, with only my cappuccino and pain au chocolat to keep me company and (2) Going to a movie with a girlfriend after putting the kids to sleep (and leaving my husband to babysit).
Now, what about all of us who are craving a bit more quality time with our partners? First off, let me tell you that you are NOT alone. A relatively recent meta-analysis confirms what most of us suspected, kids are NOT good for romantic relationships. Are any of you in the mood to read a whole meta-analysis? I didn't think so. Here's the abstract at least, to give you the gist of the results:
From a less rigorously empirical perspective, I have to admit that it's been a real eye-opener for me to read emails about how many people find this so challenging. So many of us wish we could spend more time "like the old days" before kids, talking with our partners about something other than diapers and hours of sleep clocked. And then there's that whole sex thing… yeah, not so much. Just the other day, one of my favourite bloggers, Julia (of Here Be Hippogriffs... you guys DO read her, right?) posted about the ever-so-common libido dip (or in my case, more like PLUNGE) that mothers so often report. Not only did Julia fess up to her own concerns, but her readers provided reams and reams of comments, most commiserating with her, some suggesting strategies that have helped get things back on track (ahem). Go read them. If you're like me, you'll find the discussion very informative and perhaps even inspiring.
Aaaaand, finally, I leave you at the cusp of the weekend with another awesome source of inspiration: The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex. This fabulous little advice book is aimed specifically at parents who want to get their mojo back (suffice it to say that I had the book Express Mailed to my house;-)). It's full of fabulous tips that cover everything from the early post-partum pragmatics all the way up to fun toys and video reviews. It's written by Kristen Chase (of Motherhood Uncensored), another one of my all-time favourite bloggers and mom of THREE kids who still manages to nuzzle up to her husband more than once per season <gasp>. She's funny as all get-out and dares to write about all the stuff I wish I had the guts to ask my OB. What I like best about her book is that it's clear she has SO been there: the sleep-deprivation, the body image issues, the awkward silence when the toddler walks into the bedroom. And for those of you who are sick and tired of me talking about partners, she's got a chapter for the single mothers out there too.
That's all I've got… What about you?
I think one of the big challenges we face with sex postpartum is the expectation that our sexuality is broken unless it is exactly like it was pre-kids. So much changes psychologically, physiologically and practically when we have a family and all these factors reshape what sex is to us after this transition.
I really didn’t know what to expect PP when it came to sex, except for being tired etc. I was prepared for the low desire associated with sleep deprivation & breast feeding but once I actually started having sex again, truthfully, it sucked. I didn’t expect the nerve damage from tearing during labour, the seeming disappearance of my G spot (fortunately rediscovered about 8 month PP), the looser vagina (sorry if this is graphic, but it’s the truth) which made intercourse not-so-thrilling and paradoxically somewhat painful. It was like someone handed me a whole new body to work with. I wondered whether I would ever feel sexually satisfied again and it had a terrible effect on our relationship.
To get through this, I reconceptualized my sexuality as being in a rehab or rediscovery phase, and let go of my expectations that my sex life would ever be like it was when I met my partner in my mid 20s. Anyways, good news is that 2.5 yrs later, things are good again. We can’t muster up the energy to have sex more than once a week (sometimes a month) but when we do, it’s good.
It feels funny to share my ideas since I’m in a bit of a low spot right now, but here are my thoughts:
1. When I was suffering from severe sleep-deprivation when my first was an infant (she was up between 3 and 5 times per night until she was almost 11 months old, and then she was up once a night until she was 2), the things that made me feel better were:
(1) long, hot showers with pretty smelling shower gel. As I mentioned on an earlier post, I couldn’t hear the baby cry when I was in the shower!
(2) Naps. My husband would take my daughter for a long (2 hour) walk at least once per weekend, and I would nap. Since she was out of the house, I could fully relax. Sometimes, I couldn’t nap, so I would lie in bed and read, just like I used to do pre-baby.
2. My tricks for staying connected with my husband are both about finding time to talk. They are:
(1) Friday night beers. After the kids are in bed on Friday nights, we crack open beers and sit on the sofa and talk. Before the kids were born, we used to spend most Friday nights at our local pub, having a few beers and talking. This is our post-kid version of that. I only get one beer, but that’s all I can really handle these days….
(I’m actually a little down today because Petunia has been waking up at about 10 or so- right in the middle of when Friday night beers would be! She is getting over a cold, and I think she wants to nurse because her throat hurts. So I’m not sure how to do Friday night beers this week, and people- I NEED it this week! It has been a rough one.)
(2) Weekend walks. We’ve started doing this again now that we have a baby again. We load the kids into the stoller, and go for a longish walk and talk while we walk. Of course, now that Pumpkin is old enough to understand us, we have to limit our topics a bit, but it is still nice.
I haven’t got much on the sex drive problem- this is an area I struggle with. I will say that when I went off the mini-pill in order to get pregnant with Petunia, my sex drive reappeared. If you’re someone who has zero drive while pregnant, the mini-pill might mimic that. I tried an IUD this time around, and am not to thrilled with that, either. But it is too soon for me to know whether it is impacting my sex drive- I’m only 5 months post-partum, and am not getting enough sleep. I suspect those are the things killing my drive.
Honestly, the best luck I’ve had in this department since the kids came along has been on the weekend getaways my parents give us from time to time (they stay at our house, we Priceline a hotel about an hour away).
@Chaosgirl- I like your ideas.
My three children (3 and under) are seldom asleep at the same time, so I use my spare time to do things at home for people who are worse off. A friend with fibromyalgia is going through a kitchen remodel AND requires a special diet, so I made two dishes of spanokopita (one for her, one for us) and dropped one at her house.
Another acquaintance just went through her third liver transplant a year ago and is still largely on bedrest. When I went to prenatal appts (I had to drive an hour to the city she lives in to see a perinatologist), I took meals that I or other friends had made.
I am encouraged by looking at my three healthy kids (after a month in the hospital not knowing if that would be the case for the twins) and focusing on what I have, and using my energy to help those who have less.
My favorite way to spend “me-time” is getting lunch alone with a book. I usually do it on a weekend day and sometimes time it so C is sleeping and my husband can still have some free time himself. I just grab a soup & salad and a quiet booth and read for an hour or so. Another non-lunch alternative is to browse a bookstore. Both are activities I used to really enjoy pre-kids so it revives me a bit.
Sex drive — well I’m pregnant with #2 so obviously something was there post baby #1! But it has been a struggle. Even before being pregnant (which makes me, of course, exhausted all the time) I was always tired after longs days home with C. When I see a bed, I think sleep not sex. My husband and I have agreed that we both need to make a concerted effort despite often feeling blase about it. I’m not going to say it works fantastically but at least I know we’re both on the same page. I do appreciate the links/advice though Isabel. It is a good reminder that I’m not alone in my post-baby sexual indifference!
My thing is to actually appreciate the time I have got to myself and not just fret about other things (kids, kids, kids). Like reading on my subway commute, taking a walk during my lunch with my (smart and witty and lovely) co-workers, really enjoying my showers or baths and other alone, snippets of time I DO get to myself.
Regarding sex after baby – all I can say that in my experience the best baby shower gift you could ever give anyone (but I never had the guts to) is the best lubricant on the market. Because ouch… And also, from a co-sleeping family: get a guest bed or the baby a real twin bed, just to give you guys a more sporting chance of actually getting some in-bed action. I mean I am all for trying out different locations, but when on top of the dryer becomes the reoccurring place of choice it gets a bit tedious. And, if your babies are as crappy sleepers as mine are: just agree that after-play is the new for-play.
my favorite ‘me’ activity, which I wish I did more often, is to get a drink or a movie with a girlfriend after the boys are in bed, while my husband stays with them. I know they’re sleeping, so I’m not worrying about them, and I can just concentrate on the drink/friend/movie. Even better if it’s a friend who doesn’t have kids.
sigh, I’ve been struggling with sex lately. I should get the book Isabel recommended. I have a few like it my husband got for us. But the thing is I don’t even feel like getting my mojo back… but I know he wants/needs me to.
FYI, caramama had a post awhile back about how she gets in the mood for sex post-baby… more good tips. She’s got it and a couple other romance posts linked to on her main page under “Romance”:
http://caramamamia.blogspot.com/
Feeling connected with my spouse comes and goes. I often feel resentful about the amount of time I spend with the kids (3, 5). I don’t even mean the feeding, cleaning aspect. I’d actually love him to actually play with the kids without being prodded all the time. To be fair, he isn’t even home most of the time the kids are, and on weekedns he is pretty busy helping around the house (which I do appreciate), but if I were in his place, I would MAKE time to play with them.
So this is where my resentment comes from and I find it is often a battle to be loving when I’m pissed off with him a lot of the time.
Hubby, however, does work really hard on the couple. He always has. He is the one that suggests and organises weekends away ( we are going on a weekend to a European Capital in May) or nights out. These moments away from the kids put everything in perspective. It is so important to feel like a couple and not just parents.
This morning we actually went out on an hour run together ( my MIL had the baby monitor while the kids napped)and had a shower together which was a first in I don’t know how long. Great way to connect!
re: Sex. The libido-lowering potential of hormonal contraceptives is one of the side-effects that most women are unaware of until they stop taking them. Oh the irony.
@Mia – bring on the good lube & Kegel exercises. And a good vibrator.
One paradoxical thing about sex drive — some women find that once they start foreplay (and are feeling a bit aroused) THEN they start to feel interested in sex. It can be a catch 22 for women waiting to feel the drive to initiate sex again. I find this particularly true for me when I’m really tired. I think there’s no way I’ll be in to it then, after some fooling around, I get in to it. At first, sex was like going to the gym — I KNEW I’d feel great afterwards but couldn’t must the energy to get there so, instead of waiting to feel the motivation, we just jumped in.
Me time:
1) public radio podcasts & online scrabble.
2) podcasts & baking
I wish I had close girlfriends where I’m living now because another favourite me thing is to simply hang out with gfriends, drink tea/coffee/wine/martinis and catch up. Miss that a lot…
I agree with Chaosgirl about the effects of contraception…sigh. I remember I came off the pill and my libido went WAAAY UP – and then we got pregnant right away and it went WAAAAY down during the first trimester. 2nd trimester was fine, but sex was not so hot esp in late 3rd trimester with the huge bump. And then sex hurt for about 9 months after baby was born. Sigh.
My “me” times are: 1) putting kid to bed, leaving husband to babysit, and going out for cocktails with girlfriends (much easier now that we only BF morning and night, not so easy when the boo was littler). 2) naps. 3) staying in touch with other girlfriends who are also moms and being able to relate to each others’ concerns/pains/joys.
Hey Bella, that meta analysis sounds really interesting, can you post a link to the article? Also, even though the effect was significant the effect size was small, no? (r = .10 so only accounting for 1% of variance?) what were the other variables in the study?
duh, i didn’t see the link to the article, probably because i’m sleep deprived!!!
Me time favorites: Blogs. Long, hot showers. Going to thrift stores. Watching old ‘Star Trek’ episodes in bed.
So here’s my sex ass-vice for you. If you’ve just have a baby and aren’t having as much sex as you would like – the truth is, you’re in the majority! It felt affirming to hear that YES, we were normal. Seriously, how can we bang like bunnies if we’re not sleeping & showering regularly? You will get your groove back if you make it a priority & really work for it (as with all life goals, really). Things started to turn around for us again each time after 4 mos postpartum. For me, I need to read my “cliterature.” The Sookie Stackhouse novels by Charlaine Harris seemed to really do the trick. And – this may sound really lame – we put sex on the calendar.
I second that @caramama has some insightful relationship stuff on her blog, particularly about the intersection of parenting & sex. Check her out. Also, make sure your health issues aren’t inadvertently cock-blocking you. Hormonal birth control is just not my thing. @Cloud’s comment about the mini-pill sometimes mimicking a low-libido pregnancy is spot on for me. So for now we do a diaphragm & spermicide plus fertility awareness (until we’re sure we’re done having kids and DH gets a vasectomy). I also am prone to UTI’s post-sex, and have to take an antibiotic prophylactically at certain points in my cycle. That’s what it takes to get my sexual ducks in a row – well worth it IMHO.
this is some great information! even though i know i’m not the only one going through the lack of me time and the guilt associated with taking some and the whole lack of sex-drive stuff, it’s still comforting to hear others experiences.
during me time, i usually read blogs or surf the interent a little. i also consider the evenings with my husband “me time”, and we usually just relax and watch a little tv (has to be a really good show, though, or the time feels totally wasted…with what little time we do have to ourselves!). a glass of wine and a brownie (or two) is also favoured by me during this time.
oh, the sex life. a few months after giving birth, i was diagnosed with vestibulodynia (extreme pain around the vagina), which really complicated things…added to an already low (read: no) interest in sex. a year and a half later, things are getting better…but i have to work at it.
i love how Chaogirl compared the initiating sex thing to going to the gym. so true!! and i should keep that in mind…i know i’ll enjoy it and feel better afterwards…if i just wasn’t so bleeping tired.
I totally agree with @chaosgirl about the sex = gym thing. I have never had a big libido to begin with, but add the exhaustion of a baby (now toddler) to that and a stressful career, and it’s a sex-drive killer.
My DH and I resorted to putting sex on the calendar. Every Friday night. And I have found that once I get myself into that headspace and give myself over to it, lo and behold, it’s fun, I feel connected to my husband, our marriage feels better and more fun. I even think, “hey, we should do this more than once a week!” But then during the week that feeling totally recedes again!
Another person agreeing with Chaosgirl – your brain will follow if your body starts getting turned on.
I have a friend who told me recently that despite loving her husband deeply, she has no sex drive. Things are fine in that dept for me probably because I recently got remarried after a period of celibacy. Having to go without it makes you appreciate it lol!
But even if I’m not particularly randy beforehand, I do it anyway and it ends up being awesome. My advice to my friend was, “do it anyway”. You both need it!
Shoopee- we tried putting it on the calendar, or making special ‘date nights’ (at home) but for me that made it worse; now there was all this pressure to perform, and it just took away any remnant of excitement.
@zed- what works best for me is to have an in home date night that has nothing whatsoever to do with sex on Friday. And then, chances are, I’ll feel in the moodish Saturday or Sunday night.
This is yet another reason I cling to our Friday Night Beers routine.