All posts by Bella

I can take it

I don't want this blog to be a completely top-down process where I have the ultimate "truth" about sleep issues. Of course, I think I have something to offer that hasn't been available to most parents (except generations back when we had grandmothers and aunties and neighbors who were all in our new-parent faces about what child-rearing was all about). I wouldn't have written the book with Marc if I didn't think that we really did have a message that wasn't being heard by most parents. But I want to hear what you think. I want to be challenged. I want you to feel comfortable disagreeing with me; fighting me on the fine points as well as the large premises. I think that we'll all understand children's development better, and particularly how it relates to sleep, if we can openly challenge each other.

It takes a whole lot to offend me, so please feel free to tell me when you think I'm full of sh#@.

Yes, all children are different

This is probably going to be one of several caveats I'll include on this blog, and probably the earlier the better. First off, you'll notice that generally the way that I'll be discussing theory, research findings, recommendations and cautionary notes seems to treat children as if they were all the same. Yes, the premise of our book is that children go through normative stages at predictable ages. Obviously, we could not make these predictions if we were thinking about the individual child’s personality. But both as a developmentalist and as a parent (and especially as a parent of twins!) I am fully aware of how different children can be. Individual differences take many forms and result from many causes. They can result from the influence of parents and siblings, from environmental features of the home and the neighborhood, from health and dietary issues, traumatic events, and so on. But some individual differences are at least partially built into the child’s nervous system, generally through the action of genes that are responsible for constructing brains, glands, sense organs, and all the wiring that connects them. These variations, usually referred to as temperament by psychologists, are not always evident at birth. Sometimes a remarkably distinct temperamental feature won’t show itself until the middle or end of the first year, or even later. However, temperamental differences, by definition, are built in to the child’s biological make-up and so, as a rule, they do show up early in development.

I'll get into the way that developmental psychologists parse temperament in a later post. But right now I just wanted to put a placeholder on the point that, yes, kids are different and not all kids are going to conform to the general pattern of changes I'll outline, at the exact ages I'll specify. But GENERALLY, there's a large body of research (and when I figure out how to link to half of it, I will) that's documented that the majority of kids DO conform to the cognitive and emotional schedule I'll be discussing. That doesn't mean that this schedule will relate to SLEEP issues in the same way for all kids, but it does mean that most of you should recognize the cognitive and emotional changes that I'm talking about at around the same ages.  If you don't, TELL ME. These stages are meant as guidelines, not absolute deadlines. The more "data points" we have in terms of different children on different schedules, the better we will all be at understanding how development works.

Let’s start at the very beginning…

So… let's get started into the meat of things, shall we? I think I'll start posting on the different stages of cognitive and emotional development chronologically and then try to post questions (and some brainstorming solutions) as they relate to that stage. I've received several emails and, not surprisingly, they coincide with very particular problems that arise at very particular ages/stages in development. I can't really figure out how to prioritize them, so chronological order seems to be the most straightforward way to proceed.

So… what's going on from birth to about 3 months?

    The period of birth to 3 months is often considered the time when babies learn to regulate their basic bodily reactions, their states, and their physiology. These little beings have spent a long time in the womb, developing all the bodily mechanisms necessary to live on this planet, to eat, to breathe, to expend energy in motion, to coordinate muscles and senses so that motion accomplishes something, and to sleep when replenishment is needed. They have also developed the mechanisms for acquiring knowledge and skill—mechanisms that will allow them to pay attention to what is most important, especially the faces, voices, and actions of other humans.
    Most important, this is an age when the baby’s states—alert attention, quiet wakefulness, and sleep—become practiced and differentiated from each other, creating a predictable cycle of daily rhythms. And these rhythms gradually become synchronized with the day-and-night cycle of our planet, so that, starting around 6 weeks, babies sleep more at night and less in the day. And, as they develop, these rhythms will also become synchronized with your rhythms and the household routines that underlie them. During the end of this stage, you will also notice a rapid increase in face-to-face gazing, more smiling and other expressions of pleasure, and a general decrease in fussiness at the end of this stage. Babies learn, by about 2 to 3 months, that they are part of a complex but exciting world of cycles both inside and outside their bodies.
    From my perspective, sleep training prior to 3 months is not a good idea. There is too much going on. The synchronization of brain and bodily systems, the establishment of cycles for eating and sleeping, the coordination of these cycles with the outside world, all need time to develop and stabilize. The sheer number of biological and psychological systems getting wired up, and the rapid rate at which they are becoming connected with each other, staggers the imagination.  A lot of biological events, including cascades of changes in neural pathways and organ systems, unfold with uncanny precision, almost as if there were a master schedule posted somewhere and your baby is diligently following it. Scientists still do not know exactly how this cascade of changes progresses so effectively. But what we do know, as child psychologists, is that it’s better not to mess with it! To attempt sleep training before your baby does the majority of her sleeping at night would be to miss a massive biological leg-up. Why not let natural biological processes do their work, before you begin adjusting the fine points?
    Sleep training during this early period may simply be ineffective. It may be difficult or impossible to establish desirable sleep habits before sleeping at night becomes routine. But it could also confuse your baby’s evolving capacity to synchronize her interest, excitement levels, perception, and communication. Imagine that your baby is just learning to smile at you and to expect a smile in return. This reciprocal smiling sets off an episode of communication that is designed to increase arousal, because arousal is part of pleasure. And now imagine that this smiling takes place just as you are turning out the lights and leaving the room, a necessary step in most sleep-training methods. Now your aroused, excited baby, instead of receiving the ongoing communication she expects, is faced with the prospect of lying still and going to sleep. This might simply not work. Fine. But it’s quite possible that, after a few such scenarios, your baby will become confused as to what to expect when mutual smiling or gazing take place. Maybe the smiling means “game over”. Maybe I should disengage rather than engage when Mom and I make eye contact. This sort of social confusion could result from mixed signals, as the baby sees it. So, my take is better to wait until the interpersonal routines of smiling and gazing become solid habits. As they solidify, security and trust will solidify as well, making the ordeal of sleep training less of a challenge to your baby’s sense of himself, his sense of you, and his sense of your relationship.

So, if you're in the throes of this stage with your baby, you  might be saying:  But I'm DYING over here!  What can I do to maximize EVERYONE'S sleep?
    Our answer (which had to be edited out of the book for copyright infringement but now I'm free to go for the full chorus) is best summarized by John Lennon: “Whatever gets you through the night, is alright… Do it wrong or do it right, it’s alright.” Use a swing, a bouncy chair, tuck your baby in the crook of your neck, lay him across your chest, rock him in a chair, a glider or a hammock, bounce him in a sling or a baby carrier, throw him in a car seat on top of the dryer (my husband insists on my warning you to be careful that the seat can fall off the edge), in the back seat of a car, or in the stroller. Have you tried the quarter-time bounce (oh man… I need to videotape this "bounce" and share it with you all… It seriously worked with EVERY infant I've laid my hands on)? Anything you do, you can undo with proper sleep training at a later stage of development.  This is not the time to stress out about “creating bad habits.” What you’re creating is a tight bond with a rapidly developing little organism that needs your warmth, flexibility and consistency. During this early newborn stage, whatever gets you (and your baby) through the night is just fine.

Is the book coming out in the U.S. (or anywhere else)?

I've been getting several emails about whether the book will be available in the States. Short answer: I don't know. The book is published by HarperCollins CANADA. They (and we) have plans to try to sell the rights in the U.S. But it's not happening in the next month or two. I suspect we have to show that the book did really well in Canada first, and then the American publishers will be willing to consider also taking it on (and even that may be a long shot with the state of the economy down there).

I know the shipping cost is a real pain and I'm very sorry about that. Unfortunately, it's completely out of our hands (but hey!  The cost of the book is only about $12 which converts to something like 75 cents American, right ;-))

And YES, the book DOES ship to the States, no problem, it's just a pain when you see that the shipping is as much as the book. <sigh>

Here from Moxie? Welcome!

I am so thankful to Moxie for her thoughtful review and for sending you all over here. I'm really hoping to live up to her generous words of support.

Since I've just started up this blog, I'd love to get your input on what you think might be most helpful to you. What would you like to see featured here?  I've got tons of ideas in terms of posts and some other thoughts on different types of links or "support spaces" that we could create… what do you think?

  • I'd like to create a "space" where parents could come and vent and get support throughout the day, but especially during the horrendous wee hours of the night/morning. I remember logging into Moxie's site when I was pumping at 3 am and feeling just a little less alone when someone else was posting at the same time. You know that feeling of being THE ONLY ONE AWAKE in the world, at 3 am, 4 am, 5 am? Would it be helpful for you to have a place on this site to go and commiserate with other parents during that time?
  • Of course, I'm planning on featuring studies, reviews of research, and highlighting developmental principles that are most relevant to sleep issues.
  • Given that the topic is near and dear to my heart, I'd also like to feature topics that are relevant to parents of twins (or other multiples) and young siblings
  • I'm in Toronto and of course whenever I read Moxie, I wondered if there were Moxie readers in the city that I could hook up with and just be my sleep-deprived self with in my offline life. Would it be helpful for people in the trenches of sleep training or sleep deprivation (if you're waiting out one of those hellish transitional or regression stages) to find others to just stare out into space with? Could we figure out how to facilitate that through this site?

Any other suggestions that you think might help you out with either surviving the "bad" stages or fortifying you for your sleep-training efforts?

The “how” is up to you

If you listen to our radio interviews or read the published reviews (listed on the right sidebar), you'll get a sense of how frustrated some people get when they can't nail me down on the question: What do you REALLY believe is the best METHOD to sleep train a child?

Generally, I don't think any one method is objectively any better than another (with maybe one rather evil exception which I won't mention here because I don't want to give any fundamentalist charlatans the publicity). I think the METHOD you choose to sleep train your child should have everything to do with your own parenting philosophy, your cultural background, the way you were parented yourself, the temperament of your child, your family composition (single, married, grandparents within shouting distance, etc.), and so on. What may work beautifully and miraculously for one family may be disastrous for another. There are people in some cultures who would be horrified by the idea of leaving a small child alone in their own room to sleep while other cultures have disdain for co-sleeping families. Bottom line for me: Do what's right for your own family.

Also? There is no one method that's been empirically proven to be any better than another.  A review of 52 treatment studies conducted by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine (published in the journal Sleep) concluded that out of the top 5 types of sleep-training techniques (ranging from "cry-it-out" methods, to Ferberizing, to more "gentle" methods), all were equally effective.

So… no, I don't think cry-it-out methods are the work of the devil, nor do I think co-sleeping will lead to children becoming clingy, spoiled brats and who can blame the mother who relishes the hour-long rocking sessions that ease her baby gradually toward a good night's sleep? Whatever works for you and your child is just fine by me. But when it STOPS working for you, and you want to make a change, then pick the sleep-training method with which you feel most comfortable.  Our main point: try to apply that method at the right developmental window.

I hate the term “sleep training” too

When we first started writing the book, every time I'd write "sleep train," I'd cringe. Isn't training for pets or something? It just sounded… wrong. But it got to be too clunky to repeatedly write things like: "teaching your child to sleep…" or "helping your infant fall asleep…" and so on. Many people use the term "sleep train" to refer to what parents do to try to teach kids to sleep longer stretches during the night and to nap more consistently through the day. We went with it, but I've never been thrilled with the choice.

Let me also make the point here that when I talk about sleep training, I'm referring to a large class of strategies that are really about trying to induce TRANSITIONS in the way your baby or child sleeps. So sleep training can be applied to a huge variety of sleep issues:

  • helping you child sleep longer stretches at one time during the night or helping her sleep "through the night"
  • getting your child to sleep in a crib after co-sleeping with him for a period of time
  • helping your child wake up less (or put herself back to sleep) in a family bed
  • getting your child to sleep in a crib rather than <insert a variety of desperate yet effective methods including sleeping in a car seat, swing, sling, bouncy chair, buzzy chair, in the car>
  • helping your toddler transition from a crib to a "big boy/girl bed"
  • teaching your child to put herself (back) to sleep without 2 hours of parental rocking, bouncing, shushing, begging, etc.
  • and so on…

Success stories: When did it work for you?

For those parents still struggling with crazy-making sleep deprivation and the challenges of sleep-training, it would be great to have success stories that could provide some hope. 

If you've successfully sleep-trained your child already, how old was your child at the time?

Was it easy or hard to do?

I'll start: Our twin boys were exactly 6 months when we started sleep-training. I hit a serious wall between 4 and 6 months and COULD NOT COPE anymore with the hourly wake-up calls. I was a physical and emotional wreck, what with the 3 hours of sleep per night I had been getting most nights (these were not 3 hours IN A ROW, keep in mind). The whole process took about a week, but the worst was over by the first 3 days. I'd say we had it really easy — and I attribute some of that ease to luck (yup, very scientific of me) and the rest to the timing of our sleep-training efforts. At 6 months, the boys were secure, cheerful little guys (which was a lot more than I could say for myself), totally absorbed with sitting up and playing with anything that came into their field of vision. They were noticeably less needy than just a month before, so we went for it and our lives completely changed afterwards. It's amazing what 7 hours of solid sleep will do for a person's mood…

Oh…by the way: This was just the FIRST time we did it. Have I mentioned that for most families, sleep-training isn't a one-shot deal?  Stay tuned for the 3 year-old story…

Why a blog?

This is my first foray into blogging and I'm hoping it proves useful and productive for everyone involved. Let me try to lay out the rationale for starting this site:

I wanted a place to talk about the issues raised
in Bed Timing, to highlight particular research findings that form the
basis of the book and, most importantly, to provide readers a space to
ask questions and trouble-shoot through their own sleep-training highs
and lows. We’ve been on several call-in radio shows as part of the book
promotion tour and my favorite part of this process has been connecting
with real moms who are in the trenches, trying to solve their own young
children’s sleep problems. I’m hoping to do more of that through this
blog.

I’d like this online space to serve several functions:

(1)
To provide a Q & A forum in which readers can send me their own
personal sleep training dilemmas and I can try to provide some tailored advice, based on
my developmental training (and some personal experience!).  Please,
feel free to email me any
question related to your child’s sleep issues, or developmental
challenges that may be relevant to their sleeping. If you’re worried
about something, there’s sure to be many, many other parents in the
same boat. I’ll post questions and answers several times per week. 

(2)
To highlight the latest research findings on the link between
children’s sleep and cognitive and emotional well-being (both the
child’s and the parent’s). I’ve got tons and tons of research that I’ve
compiled, summarized, and critiqued. Much of Bed Timing is based on
that research. I’d like to post relevant studies, articles, and new
research findings on a weekly basis and have you comment about the
usefulness and relevance of that material.

(3) To develop a
supportive community for parents and caregivers that can help parents
help each other through one of the most harrowing developmental
challenges. The extent to which this goal will be realized is all about
you.

So… clearly, this blog isn't going to get very far without your thoughts, criticisms, questions, and general feedback. I'd love to hear what you have to say…

Reviews

Reviews of our book, Bed Timing: The “when-to” guide to helping your child to sleep

AskMoxie (the most awesome parenting advice blog) — She loved it!

See what our readers have to say!