So, if you're following along with the Parenting Challenge, you'll remember that I wanted to also share my own experiences of applying some of the techniques that I'm reviewing on the blog. I've been thinking a lot about why it's so hard for me sometimes to take the playful route to gaining compliance from my kids. Beyond the situational factors in the moment, which are VERY much at play (feeling stressed, grumpy, overtired, etc.), there are also larger, "historical" factors at play. In particular, I think that the way we ourselves were parented when we were children will make a big difference in how we think about discipline and parenting. This is kind of obvious on a general level but the way it plays out may not be as obvious. Many of us may have not had the experience of "playing" with our parents very much. But even those of us who did play a lot with our parents, we probably didn't do so during a discipline-related situation. Part of the reason I so often "forget" to take a playful approach to parenting my kids during a conflict is that I myself had parents that took the more "conventional" approach (terrible term for it, but I can't think of another one right now) to discipline. They would put their "foot down", yell, bribe, cajole, insist with threats of punishment and finally resort to punishing in the end. Nothing horrific, just your fairly run-of-the-mill strategies for dealing with power struggles. That's the model I am most influence by, even when I'm not explicitly aware of it.
As a result of how we were disciplined ourselves, we may be more likely to advocate spanking, harsh punishments, threats, and so on. These approaches worked on us, after all… and we turned out "fine." Why wouldn't they "work" for our own kids? And so when I try to implement some of these more gentle, playful and, ultimately (IMO), more effective strategies (at least for my kids), I kinda feel like a wimp sometimes. When I'm frustrated and getting increasingly angry, my reflex is to yell and insist on the kind of compliance my own parents insisted on. I think "Screw this playing around stuff, forget all the psychobabble I've read, I need you to listen to me NOW without all the hoopla of some elaborate game of pretend!"or, just more simply, "I AM THE BOSS OF YOU!!!"
What keeps me coming back to these more playful approaches, however, is watching how magnificently the more power-heavy approaches fail with my boys. We all end up in a heap of tears, or frustrated grumbling, and no one actually feels like they've "won." Here's a passage from Playful Parenting that really resonated with me. Does it ring any bells for you?
"I think parents avoid playfulness in difficult parenting situations because they are afraid of rewarding bad behavior. I have to remain stern and angry and cold so he'll know he did wrong. But being playful isn't about rewards or punishments, it is about restoring the missing ingredient — connection — that caused the problems in the first place. Take the risk of being playful. You will do a much better job of teaching your values and getting cooperation with your rules by being playful than by being stern."
Um, yeah. This is timely for me. Painfully so.
DH is out of town and I was anxiously awaiting a call back from the lab with E’s blood test results when I looked over to find E knee-deep in the dog’s water bowl, splashing the water all over the floor with his golf club. I tried so desperately to stay calm but the end result was me throwing away some of his toys because if he was going to insist on playing in the water bowl, clearly he didn’t need all these other toys.
Looking back I realized that what he was looking for was some attention from me. (Duh.) He’d been so fearless the day before when we were at the hospital and so brave for the blood draw and I think that this was just a delayed processing – like the stress of the previous day had caught up to him all at once and he really needed me to reconnect and let him know that everything was going to be alright…
I think that the hardest part of parenting playfully, or using any of the psychobabble techniques, is that it requires that you not only be highly self-aware, but also very tuned into your children, and in times of stress/sleep-deprivation/anger/etc, that becomes more difficult and more demanding. It’s during those times that we default to an easier to sustain setting, which unfortunately is harder on everyone in the long run. The phrase “let off some steam” comes to mind, because that’s exactly what I felt like – a pressure cooker that was about to erupt. And when you’re vision is fogged up like mine was, being playful is like asking me to shoot rainbows out of my butt.
I do, however, find this technique to work really well when we’re on a lower setting. In everyday situations like getting into the grocery cart or putting shoes on or changing diapers, I find that being playful isn’t nearly as hard, gets much better results, and reminds me that I’m dealing with a child and that what I think is an urgent matter can usually wait. Being playful reminds me to slow down and not bully forward with my agenda. Because when it comes down to it, life with children really is more about the relationship and less about getting the day-to-day banality done.
Soo, true. It is so hard to let go of the power struggle and yet I don’t know what the gain of hanging on to it for me is.
Another issue I have with the playful approach is that it sometimes feels manipulative. Especially if I don’t feel all that playful myself (try angry, frustrated or tired) and am merely going through the motions. Like I am tricking someone into doing something that he would rather not. He would, if asked normally, in fact, rather spend 45 minutes screaming and tantrumming about it. That is how much he does not want to do it. I guess it works so well it feels like cheating. Like I will just have to deal with it another day.
Hubby and I definitely need to sit down and come up with some good playful strategies for our morning routine. We’re running out time, and getting impatient, and just generally not doing so well right now.
I WANT to try a playful approach, but I just can’t come up with ideas in the moment right now. I need a need a script!
And yeah, there is a part of me that just thinks “You should get dressed right now BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!”
I think the playful approach comes naturally to me. My mother is a wonderful playful person who forms incredible connections with people especially children and she was my primary parent.
I have a hard time with my kids taking me seriously when I need them to stop doing something (is this because we do play so much at our house??)- the twins (just turned 2) will smear food in their hair or throw it on the floor and laugh hysterically when we say no. My five year old will try to rough house with me or other adults or children at inappropriate time. Sometimes I get that he is playing but other adults don’t and think he is hitting me and I’m saying “Not now, Sweetie!” in a peppy voice and they look at me like a wimpy, crazy person with a brute child.
Yes. I’m noticing though that the pretend strategy works best BEFORE a power struggle or tantrum begins. Easy enough with the old standbys of getting dressed, getting into bed, eating, etc. which are easy to predict ahead of time. But I have found and am noticing in some of the other comments that when the strategy fails most often is when we have already entered into the power struggle. Last night my son wanted to sit outside on the deck (at bedtime of COURSE!) and observe a snail on the side of the house. I was tired, am battling a cold and didn’t want to sit out there with him. And it was bedtime. His compromise was to bring the snail into the house to observe. I said No. (Why? Why did I say no? Because it was bedtime I guess, not snail time). He was angry that he could not observe the snail. I said “Let’s pretend we’re snails moving as slooooow as we can. I’ll be the mommy snail and you can be the baby snail.” He was not at all interested in playing. He kept repeating HIS wish, which was to either observe the snail outside together, which then became a fervent wish to have a snail of his own living in his house, which he clung to until lights out.
I’m hoping at some point the issue of perseverating on an issue (the snail in the house) is something that can be addressed here as well and successful ways of handling things like that and moving on. I suspect the pretending didn’t work because he saw right through my attempts to gloss over his request (NEED) to have a snail in the house and distract him with some pretend game. So how do we hear their words, validate them but still say no and have them MOVE ON already?
So, one of the situations where I haven’t figured out how to successfully do a playful approach is… da da da… BEDTIME! For an older kid, I could see some kind of sleep fairy, but the 22 month old isn’t going to get it I think. For obvious reasons, I don’t want bedtime to turn into playtime – although some days I think that getting her to play in her crib would be better than having to choose between rocking her to sleep in the chair (which takes forever) and letting her scream.
Anyone have ideas about playful sleep solutions that won’t result in physical play?
Sometimes I’m great at being a playful parent. But as Julie so perfectly points out, it’s usually before the power struggle/meltdown gets going. And as everyone has said, not so great when I’m tired, stressed, depressed, rushed, etc.
In general, I want kids who cooperate–with me, with each other, with others in the right circumstances. I don’t want kids who mindlessly comply. That’s a big thing for me: cooperate, not comply. When I have the ability to see a potential power struggle coming, I remind myself of that and try to get everyone on board playfully.
But sometimes? I just want the almost 3 year old to do what I said because I said so or because it just needs to be done! I have been extremely tired before and complained, “why do I have to make everything into a game? Can’t you just do it?”
That paragraph quoted in the post which talks about fear of rewarding bad behaviour – that was great.
That’s where I tend to stumble in the implementation of playful parenting. I worry that that I’ll reward bad behaviour by having fun. That paragraph is like someone turned the light on. I’m going to print it out and stick it near the toilet or somewhere I frequent regularly.
Also as so many have pointed out, when I’m tired I don’t want to have to show that I’m a grown-up and make rational decisions about how to deal with a situation [insert stamping of adult-sized feet here]. I want to be granted immediate obedience because it’s my right dammit (and other foolish fantasies).
Flo
I relate a lot to this post. I often feel that if I’m too playful, I’m being a ‘weak’ parent. I find it very comforting (in a misery loves company type of way) that others struggle with this as well.
I’m so not a morning person and so the last thing I want to be in the morning is playful. I tend to be a little too authoratarian (as opposed to authoratative) in the morning, which is someting I would like to change. Is there a middle ground?
Later on in the day I’m Playful Paola and I have been known to be playful even when I dish out discipline, but that’s with the 5 year old who is easy going and will actually STAY in his room for a timeout unlike his 3 year old sister. Will try it out on her if I’m not too peaved to remember to.
@nej: that was such a thoughtful comment. I resonated with so much of it. The problem with being self-aware sometimes is that you catch yourself not being the person you wished you could be. I’ve been in such similar circumstances as the example you gave — reacting in a punitive way only to realize later that the problem was mostly my lack of sensitivity to my child’s need to connect. It’s even suckier when my boy comes to me and asks if he could just have a hug, after I’ve been a total shit. . Self-reflection can be painful sometimes… In response to your later point, that you find it easier and even more effective to be playful in the less stressful situations (like many other commmenters pionted out), I agree, but I also think, for myself, the more stressful situations are exactly the times I need to click into trying to be playful. Precisely BECAUSE I don’t feel like playing (which can also be translated into I don’t feel like really “connecting” because I’m angry), I think I need to practice faking it first. Not only because it may be more effective in getting to my end goal, but more importantly, because it’ll re-establish the connection I’ve lots with my kid and that will help us both in all sorts of ways. But yea… easier said than done.
@Mia: I hear you about feeling manipulative, ESPECIALLY when it works so well, But I think about it differently: I feel like I’m teaching my children, from a really young age, that almost any hard, boring, mundane, or frustrating task can be reframed to be thought of as a game, something fun and lighthearted. We come up with these situations a million times in our days, and if I myself could look at washing dishes in a different light, I’d be a happier person. And I try: I put music on, I talk to my husband about interesting things, and the dishes are done in no time. I’m not trying to be some Polyanna talking about the joys of chores and such; on the other hand, Mary Poppins sure had a few things really right (I just need a little more magic and I’d be good to go).
@joan: It’s hard to ignore others’ judgments. But if you know your kids aren’t really being aggressive, and they feel connected to you, that’s probably the most important thing. Having said that, it’s probably also important to teach our kids that playing wrestling/rough housing or whatever with your parents can be ok, but doing so with other kids can be interpreted as scary and dangerous to them. There are still boundaries to when we can play whatever we want and when we have to go with the expectations of our environment. The trick is for kids to figure out the differences, and for us to help them do so.
@Julie: great questions. I have one kid who perseverates like nobody’s business. In part, I think it’s a stage thing — I find that kids at the 2.5 – 3 year old phase and the 3.5 to 4 year olds are amazing tenacious when they have a goal in mind. Lots of developmental reasons, but what to do about it is another story. I have a few suggestions that I can post soon (but I still think that growing out of it is probably what is most likely to change the behaviour).
@Irene: Here’s a playful bedtime pretend scenario that might work to calm a young child and at least help him/her think about getting to sleep (even if it won’t TEACH the child how to do so by himself if he never has before):
- Ask the child to be the mommy/daddy and put his stuffed animals to sleep. You can help with this. Tuck them under a blanket, kiss them goodnight, turn the lights down low, sing them a lullaby, etc. You can try leaving the room while the child is still singing…
I’m anxious to hear about the tenacity of the 2.5 – 3 year old and the 3.5 to 4 year old set: I learned this the hard way as my 3 yo insisted that he wanted to watch scary dinosaur videos at bedtime. He can sometimes be persuaded with reason to do something else, but last night way a totally different story.